Jeff54 is offline Jeff54 Post #1  April 13,2010, 6:36pm
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I have just a general question.

I'm fairly new to eHarmony and so far everything has been great! The matches that the site has selected for me have been true to the kind of person I'm looking for.

Here's the question. eHarmony suggests that when a match has been made that one should try and contact as many of those as possible.

I know there's an options to "close" the match, but there are so many, that it's very difficult to try and keep in contact with all of them and I feel that I also may be leading them on if the contact is continued. I'm not here to hurt anyone's feelings and feel that that's certainly a
possibility.

Any suggestions?
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  April 13,2010, 6:53pm

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Hi Jeff54,

Welcome to eHarmony and eHarmony Advice!

I’m happy to hear that so far you’re happy with the service. It’s also wonderful to hear that you’re concerned about how to treat your matches, and what they might be experiencing on the other side.

There is definitely nothing rude about closing a match. That’s a given in the eHarmony context. In fact, if you know that the match isn’t going to work, it’s a kindness to close the match so both of you can move forward.

However, that’s only part of the problem you mentioned. It’s a “good problem” to have so many matches, but I can imagine that you might be overwhelmed! Generally, when you request communication, you will only get a percentage of responses, and then, from there, you may both discover deal-breakers throughout the stages of communication which could cause either party to wish to end communication and close the match. So you may not always be swimming in communications (or you may – another “good problem” to have).

Although it’s true that we encourage being open-minded and communicating with as many as you can, the ultimate goal is to find one outstanding match. So you may want to consider how to spend your energy.

Just keep in mind that sometimes the matches who don’t look great “on paper” can be great in person. On the other hand, if you see a glaring deal-breaker, you probably want to close the match without going further.

One way to help you make these kinds of decisions is to go through the “Values” section in your Profile creating page and choose 10 Must Haves and 10 Can’t Stands. They could help you navigate what’s most important to you as you get to know matches.
I’m sure you’re going to get lots of other helpful responses.

Good to have you here, and we’ll look forward to seeing you in more discussions!

~Kate
eHarmony Advice Host
 
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fanofsteel is offline fanofsteel Post #3  April 13,2010, 6:59pm
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It's natural to feel bad about closing people; I remember feeling that way when I first joined eH about 6 years ago. But think of it this way: If you went to a speed dating event and met 20 women that night, you wouldn't be expected to ask all 20 of them on a date, right? You'd pick a handful of them who seemed like good matches and go from there. eH is more like that.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  April 13,2010, 7:06pm
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Considering many of your matches will be non paying members and some will "poof" (disappear) on you during communication, I would keep with eH's suggestion.

You will find there will be more matches that don't communicate with you (for a variety of reasons) than will be communicating with you.

Be sure you do close the ones you definitely don't want to communicate with.
 
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Lookingandlooking is offline Lookingandlooking Post #5  April 13,2010, 7:46pm
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Jeff,

Send questions to anyone that you are interested in! If you get more than one to respond, don't worry. Everyone takes a different amount of time to respond. You are not leading anyone on, you are trying to get to know them better and see if you want to meet.

Even if you meet, there's no guarantee you will like each other or want to see each other again. So why start at the beginning all over again with someone else?

If by some miracle, you do meet "THE ONE", then you will have tell your other matches that you are sorry, but you've met someone and you want to see where it goes.

I think at this stage- where you are just meeting people - it's OK to meet more than one person at a time.

After that you will have to decide if you want to date more than one person at a time or not.

It's sort of all up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

You will get different answers from everyone about this - and you will have to figure this out for yourself.

good luck!
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #6  April 14,2010, 4:47am
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You should contact as many matches as you can because online dating is a numbers game. Matches will drop off at any point during the process and you'll never hear back from many of your matches because they are not paying customers and cannot respond to your request to communicate.

If you come across a match that you have no interest in, close them. Once you get going in online dating, you'll see this happens often. I've had thousands of matches close me during my time on eHarmony and I really don't care when a match closes me.
 
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