question about kids, need advice especially from men in my age range, late 40s-60


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late40smom is offline late40smom Post #1  April 6,2010, 12:20pm

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I have been on eharmony for about 3 weeks. Lots of matches and communication, maybe that happens when you first join.
Basically the men who have communicated with me are in two groups: (1) men with kids, often much younger than mine; (2) men in late 50s with older kids no longer at home, who have various ways of letting me know that my kids are a barrier.

Here's the thing, I am sure they don't want to be a dad to my kids, and whats more I DON'T WANT THEM TO. Here is what i need advice about... whether to be completely up front in my profile about this. I already say that I have two kids, 12 and 8, and I mention in a humorous way that they do spend time with their dad. I could say something like: I have absolutely no expectation about a man I date having a relationship with my kids, I do not expect this or even want it. Is that too much to say in my profile?

The reason I would do this is, I've been closed by late 50s men without communication, even when I communicate with them, and I have a feeling it may have to do with this issue.... because they have no kids at home... and the issue has come up with others like them... and I do realize that they probably agreed to get matches with kids under 18 at home, but I think its another thing confronting the reality. One even said to me, over 14 would be ok. I guess if you are contemplating wanting a long term partner, the kids leaving soon would be ideal...

would love advice, especially from men. Or any thoughts from single moms with kids at home who have been on here for awhile and dealt with this issue coming up.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #2  April 6,2010, 12:43pm
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Just curious- are you looking to eventually get married? If so, would you want your husband not involved with the kids at all, if they are still underage at the time? Do you want him to stay in a motel when the kids are with you, or what?

I don't have kids but am open to dating women who have them. If we got married I'd be the kids' stepfather, which sounds like a parental thing to me.

Also, do all the men you get matched with have kids? That seems odd, unless you specified that you only wanted men with kids.
 
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late40smom is offline late40smom Post #3  April 6,2010, 2:54pm

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I am new to this and not walking into it thinking about marriage. Maybe way down the road.....

Yes, everyone I have communicated with has kids.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #4  April 6,2010, 3:30pm
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In that case I'd mention in your profile that you don't want to get married again, because many people on there are looking for that.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #5  April 6,2010, 3:59pm
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I'm a fan of keeping one's profile succinct with very few limiting statements and checklist type of things. You have no reason for knowing why men in their 50s close you unless they tell you. You could have the wrong hair color for all you know. It's really subjective.

The statement that you want to add sounds limiting to me. Yes, I get that you don't want insta-dad but on the other hand it makes it seem like you will shroud your kids ala MJ in their presence. I think most guys expect to interact with the kids and you might raise more eyebrows than you might want with that kind of statement.

If you are committed to tweeking the profile what about: I have ample free time away from childcare responsibilities and I enjoy doing ..... blah blah. This alerts them that you are not totally child focused and it provides more information about you and your hobbies so they can better imagine how you spend your free time.

Good luck. Some guys instaclose moms but others, especially in your age range, expect children.

Can I ask you to clarify. Are you meeting guys in your age range with kids younger than yours? That's amazing. I am a widowed 39 yr old with a 4 year old and I have found that most guys in my range (up to 50) have the kids already in college sometimes. My idealized type would be a guy in my range with kids who are smaller.
 
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FredFarkel is offline FredFarkel Post #6  April 6,2010, 4:11pm

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Here is a rambling version of a few of my dates (with kids) over the last 30 days:

As you can see from my profile - I am a 53 year old male and having decent matches now on eharmony after my first 3 months of NOTHING.

OK first example

1) Single mom, age 39. Son age 7. She is 1,500 miles from my place and INSISTS that I stay at her home but we WILL NOT go into her bedroom. Nuff said. I bring the kid gifts, wii (??) stuff, cook him his favorite foods, but when I even touch his mom, he gets very clingy and frankly... he gets very weird. One morning, I woke up and was feeling randy so at 6 am (workday for her), I burst into her room (pitch black) and jumped all over her with raspberries, tickling, general messing around to wake her up and THE FRIGGIN KID WAS IN BED WITH HER.

By that time I had had enough and after 4 days I excused myself and stayed with an old buddy 20 miles away. She was all bent out of shape and wanted me to come back again for a farewell whatever but I passed. The 7 year old left us NO TIME for us and neither of us was motivated enough to figure out an alternative.

Would I visit her again???

No.

Will I take her on a vacation without the kid?

Yes.

2) Single mom, 2 girls - aged 8 and 2. The mom is drop dead gorgeous and 20 years younger than me. First time I met her, I could not sleep that night because she was so beautiful. Her 2 year old and MY 2 year old GRANDAUGHTER love each other. I mean literally LOVE each other. They lay on the floor... intertwine legs... gaze at each others eyes... giggle... hug each other tightly and roll back and forth and back and forth on the living room floor while gazing and giggling.

My heart melts when I see them together. :-)

So what's the problem you say??

The other day, girlfriend #2 was goofing around in the kitchen with her 2 year old... lifts her up and brings her over to me and asks me to smack her little behind for kicks.

I WAS HORRIFIED at my own reaction.

It became crystal clear at that moment that I would NEVER get involved any further with this babe because I am TOO OLD to deal with some stupid ex-husband who would call the cops because I smacked his little girl on the behind.

NO WAY, NO HOW.

3) Single mom with 2 girls ages 12 and 15. I won't even go to the house to pick her up.

4) Single mom with 2 boys ages 15 and 17. I won't go to her house either.

5) Married (non eh) mom with 2 kids ages 2 and 4. Hubby likes me so we all hang out. Hubby is busy exec and wifey needs companionship. No judgments please... it happens. Get over it.

The wife loves my 2 year old grandchild. SHE LOVES HER TOO. The kids all play and we go lots of places together. Occasionally we all get together and act like complete fools. This is my best arrangement so far because NO ONE is sneaking around and the kids are either part of the days activities or shipped off to grandma's house.

Any future here??

Maybe. Only because all cards are on the table and there are NO ex husbands, wives, girlfriends blah blah.

So there you go.

I am now selling my "big" house and moving to a one room "ski chalet" where the bed is across from the kitchen and the kitchen is next to the jacuzzi and the jacuzzi is near the big screen and the pool table is in the center. The toilet and bidet are hidden behind the bed.

The builder says to me... "Dude?? No woman will ever move into this house."

Me???

LOL!!

I just smiled and nodded in agreement!! :-O

NO WOMAN WILL EVER MOVE INTO MY HOUSE!!!
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #7  April 6,2010, 4:25pm
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I actually just had a great statement from someone about this. I am 48. He is 49. He said that a lot of women are scared off because he has young children. He said that "they have a mother and I am looking or someone for myself. I want someone to be my friend. I love my children and they are my number one priority, but I am missing something in my life."

hmmmmmmm........
 
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late40smom is offline late40smom Post #8  April 6,2010, 4:59pm

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Can't tell you how helpful all of the responses were.

newbie40something: so interesting, he didn't want a woman to have a relationship with his kids.. you didn't say much but maybe we had the same reaction to his reason...

FredFarkel: all that detail was so helpful. reinforced my feeling about no exposure to my kids for a looooong time...

2clueless: the advice about limiting statements is extremely helpful. Why do you think most men expect to interact with the kids... expect to or really want to? Also, yes, I am getting matches with young kids, 3-6 years old. Maybe 5 or 6 matches, at least one of them on the upper end of my age range with young kids.

thanks all, please anyone else, post more advice.....
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #9  April 6,2010, 5:39pm
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I dated a guy for quite the long time. Either I went to his place or he came over when my dd (dear daughter) was at grandmas. He met her a few times and we did a few things together when his kids were in town but other than that, that's it. That's how I like it. Unless we are headed to the alter, I really don't want a huge attachment to form with my little girl. She will need a daddy one day. Hers died. Anyone who wants to take that responsibility and joyful experience on, will be the right person for me. But first, I need to assess that they work for ME. So, my dd is not part of the equation for quite the long time.

I don't say any of this in the profile though. They will find this out over time. I have found that men don't like the idea that there are hard and fixed barriers between them and your kid. i.e A dramatic ex, a messy and scarring divorce, a child unhappy that mom is dating, an over protective mother, etc. Think: WALL between them and child.

I think that they are fine with some barriers (like what you describe and what I describe above, which are more lifestyle choices) but at the same time I think that they like the idea that they can surmount those barriers when they are ready and when it feels natural. Think: Curtain between them and child.

The statement about "not expecting or wanting" them to have a relationship with your kid sounds so final and almost like a pink flag for baggage of some sorts. It sounds like a wall. I have found that many men expect some kind of curtain but balk at a wall.

Again, this is just my experience. Wow, I envy you those matches with young kids. I 've never swam in those pools.
Last edited by 2clueless; April 6,2010 at 5:42pm.
 
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FredFarkel is offline FredFarkel Post #10  April 6,2010, 5:43pm

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late40smom wrote :
Can't tell you how helpful all of the responses were.

newbie40something: so interesting, he didn't want a woman to have a relationship with his kids.. you didn't say much but maybe we had the same reaction to his reason...

FredFarkel: all that detail was so helpful. reinforced my feeling about no exposure to my kids for a looooong time...

2clueless: the advice about limiting statements is extremely helpful. Why do you think most men expect to interact with the kids... expect to or really want to? Also, yes, I am getting matches with young kids, 3-6 years old. Maybe 5 or 6 matches, at least one of them on the upper end of my age range with young kids.

thanks all, please anyone else, post more advice.....

I have 2 daughter ages 24 and 26.

They run (on average) about 3 boyfriends per year through their bedrooms.

My beautiful grandaughter is 2 years old.

I love her more than life itself.


At this rate... my beautiful baby grandaughter will see 100 men go in and out of her mom's and autie's bedrooms by the time she is in her mid-teens.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS and my daughter (mom of the baby) has just awakened to this little factoid.

I don't know what else to say besides BE CAREFUL.
 
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