At what point do you settle?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
coffeeaddiction is offline coffeeaddiction Post #1  March 26,2010, 11:36am
coffeeaddicti…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 44

See profile

Sorry if this is in the wrong area.

Just thinking at what point do you settle and say "That's good enough". Onto date 3 with a girl from here and things are going well. She seems nice, and our personalities click and all.

BUT, and this is awful to say, she is a little more overweight than what I am used to. Not obese, but just a little plumper than what I usually am attracted to.

Now look, I am no looker myself, I am not hideous but I am not the kind which can date a girl who is 9 or 10 out of 10.

But do I just ignore the physical stuff and say, well, I'm 32 now, I cant screw around anymore, I want to get married, and this is good enough for me?

Is this as good as it gets?
 
  Reply With Quote
AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  March 26,2010, 11:58am
AndieIsMe's Avatar

A letter in the mail is more precious than a 1000 IMs

Volunteer Community Leader

Joined: Nov 2009

Emerald Triangle

Posts: 8,149

See profile

coffeeaddiction wrote :
Now look, I am no looker myself, I am not hideous but I am not the kind which can date a girl who is 9 or 10 out of 10.
I'm a bit confused. You can't date a girl you would rate a 10 out of 10?



Onto the question. You have doubts about her, only because of her weight. I can call you shallow and whatnot, but really, it's your choice and preference for a slimmer girl.

If you really think this is the best girl YOU can get, then yes, settle. If you think this is the best SHE is going to get (meaning you) then dump her. She would deserve better than someone who "settled" and made up her mind for her.

Your choice if you continue to date her, but I think she will figure out with time that you have a preference for slimmer girls.
 
  Reply With Quote
Iconography is offline Iconography Post #3  March 26,2010, 12:28pm
Iconography's Avatar

got her own goat!

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 1,182

See profile

I've been thinking about this sort of thing lately, though my concerns have not been about appearance.

I am never going to find anyone who is perfect for me. It just will not happen. There will always be something about somebody that will not sit completely right with me. That might be the books he reads (or doesn't), the food he likes, his political opinions, his hair, his weight, his something. The list is potentially endless. When I started actively looking (at age 44... yeah, call me a late bloomer), I didn't know which of these any given potential boyfriend would present. With a few exceptions of a handful of automatic dealbreakers (e.g., being religious; being obese; having children or the desire for children), I decided that I would make up my mind which were dealbreakers when I saw what the "rest of the package" was. I figured that if the rest of him was "right," I would not mind, or could at the very least successfully deal with, the other things.

And that's what's happened. And not just on my end. There are things about me that, ordinarily, would have been "dealbreakers" for my long-distance guy. But there were enough things about me that has made him stick with me. (And I found out after the fact that he did date another woman meanwhile, one who could offer what I can't right now: sex.)

Though we still have questions regarding our ultimate compatibility (sex remains an important outstanding issue), we are very happy that we took and are still taking the chance with each other.

So, OP, though it's a bit early in your acquaintanceship, how is the rest of her "package"? Does she offer significant things that you're looking for in a partner? If she were only a bit thinner, could you see yourself marrying her? Is weight really, truly a dealbreaker if she has (almost) "everything" else? Or are there other potential "dealbreakers" lurking?

Those are the questions you have to ask yourself.

(In addition to following whatever good advice other members of the community have to offer.)
 
  Reply With Quote
coffeeaddiction is offline coffeeaddiction Post #4  March 26,2010, 12:29pm
coffeeaddicti…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 44

See profile

AndieIsMe wrote :
I'm a bit confused. You can't date a girl you would rate a 10 out of 10?



Onto the question. You have doubts about her, only because of her weight. I can call you shallow and whatnot, but really, it's your choice and preference for a slimmer girl.

If you really think this is the best girl YOU can get, then yes, settle. If you think this is the best SHE is going to get (meaning you) then dump her. She would deserve better than someone who "settled" and made up her mind for her.

Your choice if you continue to date her, but I think she will figure out with time that you have a preference for slimmer girls.
I mean that I don't think I could date a girl who is 9 or 10 out of 10 in looks. Call it low self esteem or whatnot, but I do believe you need to at least have compatibility in physical attractiveness and I am definitely not a 9 or 10 out of 10 (is any guy?).

But I agree with you, I am afraid if we get more intimate, I am going to lose interest, and her physical aspects will in the end turn me off. And that's even more mean and hurtful, and not the kind of thing I want to do to others as a 32 year old man.

But is this as good as it gets? Can I force myself to be physically attracted to her?
 
  Reply With Quote
coffeeaddiction is offline coffeeaddiction Post #5  March 26,2010, 12:46pm
coffeeaddicti…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 44

See profile

Iconography wrote :

So, OP, though it's a bit early in your acquaintanceship, how is the rest of her "package"? Does she offer significant things that you're looking for in a partner? If she were only a bit thinner, could you see yourself marrying her? Is weight really, truly a dealbreaker if she has (almost) "everything" else? Or are there other potential "dealbreakers" lurking?

Those are the questions you have to ask yourself.

(In addition to following whatever good advice other members of the community have to offer.)
Thanks that helps. You are right, I guess I need to look at the overall package. But that is also an issue as nothing is jumping out at me to compensate for the weight issue I have with her. She is just...nice and good company and I enjoy spending time with her. And if that is the case maybe we are better off as friends.

I mean is this what a good marriage is built on? Just enjoying spending time with each other? I am 32, I want to get married, maybe it's time to stop looking for the perfect one, and just settle for the "okay". Otherwise I will never find anyone.
 
  Reply With Quote
MicMan is online now MicMan Post #6  March 26,2010, 12:57pm
MicMan's Avatar

is living life to 83% of its normal capacity.

Board Leader - Sports

Joined: Feb 2009

Posts: 2,964

See profile

coffeeaddiction wrote :
Thanks that helps. You are right, I guess I need to look at the overall package. But that is also an issue as nothing is jumping out at me to compensate for the weight issue I have with her. She is just...nice and good company and I enjoy spending time with her. And if that is the case maybe we are better off as friends.

I mean is this what a good marriage is built on? Just enjoying spending time with each other? I am 32, I want to get married, maybe it's time to stop looking for the perfect one, and just settle for the "okay". Otherwise I will never find anyone.
There is no such thing as the perfect one. Everybody has some flaws.
 
  Reply With Quote
TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #7  March 26,2010, 12:59pm
TrekRyder10's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2010

In a van down by the river

Posts: 4,802

See profile

The girl I marry will be a 10 in my book and that's all that matters. I could care less what society labeled her.

Wait for it.. wait for it... Cliche' Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #8  March 26,2010, 1:00pm

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

coffeeaddiction wrote :
maybe it's time to stop looking for the perfect one, and just settle for the "okay". Otherwise I will never find anyone.
Just some correction (and this applies for a lot of people):

1. Not maybe.
2. Don't use the word 'settle' for something that is okay. Finding somebody that is ok is much better than finding somebody who is not okay or god forbid, not finding anybody at all.

If you think she's 50 lbs overweight...that's different story..but if she's heavier than the women you normally date because of some 10 lbs vanity pounds, then yeah gotta lose it (the standard..not the pounds).


Edited: Wait....if you've been thinking about this 'weight' thing with her....why are you doing going out on three dates with her so far? Was it like a casual thing?
Last edited by PY_2; March 26,2010 at 1:04pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
eH_Advice_Host_Renee is offline eH_Advice_Host_Renee Post #9  March 26,2010, 1:19pm

Writer

Joined: Sep 2008

Santa Monica, CA

Posts: 1,177

See profile

Hi coffeeaddiction,

I really appreciate that you don't want to hurt this woman, but since you are only going on your 3rd date, maybe you should give yourself a little more time before deciding that her weigh issue is a deal breaker.

If you hold off being more physically intimate with her just yet but continue getting to know her, the compatibility you have on a personality level may continue to deepen.

Of course, you can't force physical attraction, but it can develop over time.

The best news is that, if you to take it slow and just enjoy spending time with her and discover that her inner qualities make her beautiful to you in every way, you'll also know that your relationship is founded upon those qualites that good marriages are built on!

All the Best,

-Renee
eHarmony Advice Host
 
  Reply With Quote
coffeeaddiction is offline coffeeaddiction Post #10  March 26,2010, 2:45pm
coffeeaddicti…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 44

See profile

eH_Advice_Host_Renee wrote :
Hi coffeeaddiction,

I really appreciate that you don't want to hurt this woman, but since you are only going on your 3rd date, maybe you should give yourself a little more time before deciding that her weigh issue is a deal breaker.

If you hold off being more physically intimate with her just yet but continue getting to know her, the compatibility you have on a personality level may continue to deepen.

Of course, you can't force physical attraction, but it can develop over time.

The best news is that, if you to take it slow and just enjoy spending time with her and discover that her inner qualities make her beautiful to you in every way, you'll also know that your relationship is founded upon those qualites that good marriages are built on!

All the Best,

-Renee
eHarmony Advice Host
Thanks Renee I guess thats good advice. Just try and not let my male desires get carried away with me and take it slow. I know if I get too intimate she will get attached, and thats not right if I am not ready for the same thing.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Re-opening account = closed matches still there. | Using eHarmony | On Vacation »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Is there a point that you settle? Psycue Dating 74 September 16,2009 8:21pm
Are women that don't settle, settling for nothing? singleman4803 Dating 68 September 14,2009 8:29pm
Settle or just accept lonliness? jaydub114 Relationships 30 August 31,2009 9:58pm
What does it mean to settle? waltercl Dating 26 August 13,2009 2:16pm
Is there a point when you know that you are really ready?? allowishiss Relationships 13 June 21,2009 8:21am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:57pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0