Is writing important when deciding whether to continue?


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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #11  March 16,2010, 1:25pm
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meri75 wrote :
I have found that people who miss questions tend to be poor communicators. Unless, of course, the questions are considered by the recipient to be invasive. But 'too tiring'? What on earth is the point of continuing with the service if you can't be motivated to answer questions? Wow, I'm not surprised you're checking into this ... fancy sending I'm a 'too tired' vibe to a potential date! (I would associate that attitude to be 'too tired' with life in general and would not want to proceed with the person. Are you getting that sense from them, or just in the questions?)

I see a lot of correlation at work. People who express themselves clearly in writing, whether their style is succinct or verbose, are generally very good communicators.
I get the sense that some who don't try, probably consider themselves very attractive and probably look mostly at my pics and not the profile details. Not sure about others. Probably I'm not their top priority. Or parents paid for her subscription. Regardless of the reasons, I'm trying to figure out if such match deserves a date.

You're right! What can one expect at work or in a relationships from a poor communicator?
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #12  March 16,2010, 1:29pm
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cal_dude wrote :
So if your match avoids all or most of your questions, do you try to ask again at least 1 or 2 important ones, give up or proceed with caution?
If they avoid all of my questions I tell them they had better go back and read the last e-mail and consider answering them. Not in such blunt wording, but something that says they are pushing my limits.

If they return with just one or two being unanswered, I usually let it slide unless they are important. If they are important I will wait one more e-mail and then ask again, maybe. Or, because e-mails can only go on for so long, I will ask them on the phone and tell them I had asked it in an e-mail. I usually joke about them being evasive.

My annoyance only grows if they ask me questions, I ask the same ones and then they avoid answering them. If you can't (won't) answer a question, don't ask me the same one.

I've even had guys ask me something (like how long I've lived in my place) and then refuse to give me the same information they just asked for. It's not just an "I'll answer that later" response, it's a "That is something you don't need to know now" thing. Instant close.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #13  March 16,2010, 1:31pm

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cal_dude wrote :
I've discovered that matches who write back very briefly and miss most of my OC questions/answers are "not that into me" (or not that into the whole "tiring process" as one has put it) rather than shy or without writing skills. Did you have a similar observation?

I've had several matches with short profiles, who nevertheless communicated with me. They did mention not enjoying writing much. Fine. But when I met one this Sat night, she was just as silent in person. I was a happy dude when it was over.
Now I'm curious if missed questions, one-line responses to my longer emails, and such are red flags (not shorter profiles, but shorter responses). I start communicating or reply to questions from most matches, but screen more now for more pleasant dates.
I'd let you know, but I've had such a small amount of response that I can't form any sort of real connection between any of them.

I will say that with the number of women that have closed me instantly, or at any of the numbered steps it's pretty hard to take any of the questions seriously.

I'm pretty sure most people have already made their mind up about someone before any questions are even answered.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #14  March 16,2010, 1:51pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
If they avoid all of my questions I tell them they had better go back and read the last e-mail and consider answering them. Not in such blunt wording, but something that says they are pushing my limits.
I've been trying to come up with a "nice" wording for that, but to no avail.
I try to joke around or to volunteer my own answer and my acceptance of anything they'd say, but I feel I can learn from better communicators in this instance myself
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #15  March 16,2010, 1:54pm
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hankscorpio wrote :
I'd let you know, but I've had such a small amount of response that I can't form any sort of real connection between any of them.

I'm pretty sure most people have already made their mind up about someone before any questions are even answered.
I was getting initially completely wrong matches, so I re-took the questionnaire as soon as they let me.

Yes, I've noticed a lot of "blink"-type deciders out there.
Last edited by cal_dude; March 16,2010 at 1:57pm. Reason: typo
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #16  March 16,2010, 1:57pm
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cal_dude wrote :
So if your match avoids all or most of your questions, do you try to ask again at least 1 or 2 important ones, give up or proceed with caution?

If I asked 1 or 2 questions and they didnt answer any of them then that is a red flag.

I will give them the benefit of the doubt if they failed to answer a question I asked but was making an effort telling me about something in their email to me.

I admit I might have forgotten to adress a question. If there were 3 or 5 I might have missed 1.


If that happened to me I might ask it again later...depends on the topic and its importants and how easy it would be to bring up later (like if it was part of a topic we were talking about.
 
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cal_dude is offline cal_dude Post #17  March 16,2010, 3:50pm
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Thanks everybody. Now, if I can also figure out what to do with those matches who suddenly want to skip directly to email, especially after being silent for a week or two (not a new match who's really excited or one with an expiring subscription).
They seem to be motivated by a similar desire to write less. I think
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #18  March 16,2010, 3:59pm

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Hi Cal-dude and everyone,

I think it’s understandable that you would want to figure out a pattern with this kind of thing, and I think it’s also nice to get responses to the questions you ask! (Especially if, as you mentioned in another thread, you’ve had lots of communication).

I agree with Ami1uwant that it’s also nice to give those folks the benefit of the doubt till you know for sure that their IRL (In Real Life) demeanor matches what you encountered online and didn’t care for. I know of countless stories where the switch from online to e-mail to phone calls to in-person all drastically changed (for worse and for better).

Personally, I think going forward until you hit the bedrock of a true-blue deal-breaker is allowing yourself to explore something that might have potential. It might be an unlikely communication, but later you might be happy you didn’t preempt it. We just recently got contacted by someone who found her match through eHarmony after being on the service for 2 years. She said she was about to close the match because he was too young, and in her 2 years, younger matches had never worked out. Needless to say, she was very glad she didn’t.

Then again, you have to pay attention to how many other matches with great potential you have in communication and how realistic it may be to continue with people who have less possibility. It’s up to you where you’d like to spend your time and energy.

All the best,

~Kate
eHarmony Advice Host

PS - I wrote this before seeing your last post, but I think it still applies. Good luck.
 
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