Ladies, do you decide in the first 30 seconds if you're interetsed? And, what are you looking for in a first impression?


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BigP is offline BigP Post #1  February 9,2010, 12:05pm
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Many psychologists agree that people take less than 30 seconds to decide on their impression of someone and decide if they're interested or not. If that's true, then ladies, once you've read questions a guy has sent to you in eHarmony, and we don't hear back from you for 24-48 hours, why shouldn't we close you? Lack of reply within 1-2 days communicates lack of interest. If you're interested in a match, aren't you going to reply when you open the e-mail or at least within 24 hours?

What are you looking for when a guy makes a first impression - his primary photo, his job description, his answers to questions...?
 
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StuckOnYou is offline StuckOnYou Post #2  February 9,2010, 12:22pm
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My guess is that the 30 seconds is after meeting in real life, not online. If so, I believe it. It takes me less that 5 minutes to do the same. Not quite 30 seconds, but then I'm a guy and I've always been a little slow...

It would not be possible for me in any way, shape or form to make such a call based on photos, questionnaires, email exchanges, even by phone. I've got to see someone in the flesh (not necessarily naked, but it never hurts :^) ) and I'll know pretty quickly.
 
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goosielucy is offline goosielucy Post #3  February 9,2010, 12:35pm
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Actually, I do believe a guy or girl can project some undesirable aspect or mood or whatever of themselves in that very short time, yes. It can happen I may be put off in the first 30 if I did sense something undesirable, but give it much more time after that based on continued vibes and talk/intellect and learning about the person to decide.

Sometimes a weird aspect of ourselves might show up for whatever reason, doesn't mean that is the whole person and who they are all the time.

Just wanted to add, I am speaking of actual face-to-face meetings. Same thing doesn't really apply with the online profiles and communications and such.
Last edited by goosielucy; February 9,2010 at 12:58pm. Reason: grammar
 
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speak2jelamat is offline speak2jelamat Post #4  February 9,2010, 12:51pm
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Personally, I'm pretty pragmatic. While I can tell upon meeting someone if I'm "attracted" initially, I know that initial chemistry does not a relationship make. =) It HELPS, but its not a dealbreaker if its not instantly there. Its a dealbreaker if it never shows up though


I can tell within the first 1/2 hour or so if I'm interested in a second date.

I can tell within 2 dates if I'm interested in the guy as a potential LTR.

I can tell within 3-5 dates if he's truly interested in a LTR.

While I can't speak for other women (wouldn't really be fair since we're all so different), I've found that, at my age (35) I know what is attractive, appealing and acceptable to me personally.

I can also fairly easily perceive when a guy is interested in pursuing a real relationship with me versus pursing a challenging sport versus not really pursuing anything but the absence of lonliness.

So, I give lots of opportunities, but I think sometimes guys get a little surprised by me when I give them all this lee-way, then attempt to close the door smiling and waving 'goodbye'. I do try to be respectful of their dignity, but some don't take it well...
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #5  February 9,2010, 1:00pm

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[quote=BigP;880984]Many psychologists agree that people take less than 30 seconds to decide on their impression of someone and decide if they're interested or not.[quote]

I'd say for some people that's plenty. They're trying to take it slow!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  February 9,2010, 1:00pm
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lol....the psychologists are referring to a real life face to face meeting. Some research says that it's even shorter than 30 seconds and more like the blink of an eye.

I do think there is some truth to that in terms of a very very basic animal instinct level of yes I can see this person touching me or not. However, all the other things and considerations that go into determining if you could ever date that person take time to get to know and it's a whole lot longer than 30 seconds.

As for e-mails - don't forget that your matches have a life and jobs and other obligations and are not necessarily eagerly awaiting your e-mail. You have to realize that you are a total stranger and none of us want to invest a whole lot in that until it's warranted. That's why it's also much better to get off the whole e-mail and internet thing quickly and meet in real life to see if there is in fact anything real that can develop between you and your match. What you will find, as does everyone, is that with most your matches the chemistry in real life will not be there no matter how great the photos and e-mails or even phone conversations. You are still going on what amounts to a blind date and until you see each other face to face, you have no clue whether you'll truly like each other or not.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #7  February 9,2010, 1:32pm
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Also, remember that some people may not be able to access eHarmony (or similar sites) at work. And if you add in a full and busy life (working out, taking care of kids, spending time with friends, etc.), 24 hours is the minimum you should allow someone to provide a thoughtful reply to your communication.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  February 9,2010, 2:16pm
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BigP wrote :
once you've read questions a guy has sent to you in eHarmony, and we don't hear back from you for 24-48 hours, why shouldn't we close you? Lack of reply within 1-2 days communicates lack of interest. If you're interested in a match, aren't you going to reply when you open the e-mail or at least within 24 hours?
Some bad assumptions here- that they've read your questions (until they answer, how would you know?) and that they aren't interested because they didn't reply fast enough. They may not have even been online in 24-48 hours.

Not everyone is sitting by their computer waiting for your messages.
 
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Crcbonjour is offline Crcbonjour Post #9  February 9,2010, 7:56pm
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BigP,

Your question asked about first impressions in the online world, as in when we open up your profile, what grabs us first, or what portion of the page gives us our first impression?

I think the answer would be different for every lady.......as every lady is different. Honestly, when you open a profile the first thing you DO see is the picture because of how it opens! So we see that first. Then I look over to the right and see what their passionate about and what they are looking for. Then beneath is the remainder of the profile. I DO read them all. So I can't say I close someone just because I may not be too keen on the picture. I read the whole profile and see if there are any deep connections to what is inside of me. Then I go back and look at the pictures again. (Really, this is what I do) and then I read again. Then I pause and think. Does he mesh with what I am looking for or are we to unalike? It doesn't take me too long to decide. I then either close the match or send an icebreaker. For each match the amount of time I take going over this will vary because sometimes I know RIGHT AWAY we are not meant for each other.

For example today, I saw someone whose profile indicated that he drank several times a week. No brainer. Close Match. I didn't need to read anything else. Like smoking that is a deal breaker for me. But for another woman, it might be completely fine!! He looked OK without his glasses on........but that much drinking - I can't go for that.

I also saw today, and I sent him an icebreaker but I don't expect to hear back from him, I think he wants someone along the lines of a personal trainer for a girlfriend (and I am thin) but he's a muscle man. Maybe too much. Maybe not for me anyway. Might go and close it if he hasn't closed me. His profile was nice, but I don't know if we are meant for each other. I took a chance on that. I have not been taking chances and I figured, barring any deal closers, I have to start taking some chances.

Someone I really liked, and sent an icebreaker too, and took my time thinking it over, never replied after a week. It has since been revealed to me on these boards that he might not be a real member but a free member and show up alive again on this next FCW. But I closed him out because I got tired of waiting. The eHarmony customer support told me about how long to keep a match open and I listened to them. Other people have other opinions. Anyway, back to your topic, we really had a lot in common in our profiles, and, I had to keep looking at his picture to decide if I wanted to send him an icebreaker and I finally decided - this took me some time, it really did, to send him an icebreaker. Two actually. But eHarmony also told me he had not been active either. And according to his job, it wasn't something he'd be away for. So he could have been a free member. I don't know.

So with each match, it really is a different process..........the pic and profile combo is the "package" here and you have to go through it all and see what grabs you. If I sent an icebreaker would I close somebody out in 24-48 hours? No, of course not. I will wait a while.
But I won't lie and say appearance isn't important. However, if there is no substance behind it, I won't reply at all. This past weekend I got a match with someone who was very good looking but had completed about 30% max of his profile. Did I send him anything? Nope. I closed him out. Cute, yeah - substance, No. Close Match.

Another thing? I don't even consider matches with no photos or that "request my photo" because I feel like that is a forced trap into contact that I may or may not want to have just to get to see their pic!! If you want to be considered, show yourself. Most everyone else is. I am. So if I am showing my pic and you are seeing it as my fellow match, then you see me but I don't see you? Close Match. Not an even playing field. Do men walk into bars with bags on their heads? Do women? No. So why would one do it on a dating site? SHOW YOURSELVES PEOPLE. Then we can look at you AND your profile and make a nice, combined decision.

And it is a combined decision. Just like meeting someone in person. Someone can look really good or sound really good but can be really boring. This is just what gets us off the starting line. There's still a long way to go from here..............chemistry, luck, and a whole lot more!!
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #10  February 9,2010, 10:42pm
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I think it takes some time to decide if I personally am attracted to a guy. So I take that time in the initial meeting to find out more about him and to see if we have somewhat of a connection.
As to looking at someone's profile, that is a little hard since sometimes you really don't know until you meet. I look at the pictures, what he says, his grammar/spelling, and what his interests are. I also look at what he writes about in his profile and what he's looking for in a woman. If I feel like there might be some commonalities then I respond to communication.

If a woman doesn't reply right away it doesn't mean she's not interested. I have gone on some trips and do not communicate to my eH matches during that time.
 
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