Closing Your Matches - What Does "Other" Mean?


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  December 24,2007, 12:36pm

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You've just been closed by a match, and their reason is "other". What does that mean, and why is it anoption? Wouldn't it be better to give matches the opportunity to write whatever they want?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  December 24,2007, 1:30pm

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The choices for closing are really bad....but here are a few reasons I have for either not responding to guys who ask to communicate, or I close them and choose something that is less hurtful, and sometimes "other"

1. One of his questions asks about my relationship with my family, or how much I excercise, or my financial habits
- while these are important things, I find them obtrusive at first, and like I am being judged too soon -- I find the family/relationship with parents thing especially wrong. If a man is going to judge me by my parents I know we have fundamentally different views on life.
2. He has no pictures, or worse -- he has failed to fill out his profile completley, or he has chosen mostly one-word answers -- I need to know a bit more than that off the bat and know that he is really serious and there is something interesting about this person.
3. Obvious misspellings and grammar mistakes (I'm talking big mistakes as I'm pretty lenient here)

These are all reasons I would close in the very first stage...

I have closed a few times after reading the must haves/can't stands and I get turned off if the guy seems overly focused on organization/personal habits and less on things I consider very important like fidelity, strong character, etc.

I also pretty much automatically close people that give their phone or e mail right away, or they want to fast track but have no photo etc.

hope this helps!

ps. yes if I could fill in the blank on the closing, I probably would!! but I think eharmony may be doing a service to people by not offering that.....we are all strangers and should not be allowed to randomly damage the self-esteem of others because of our personal standards!
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #3  December 24,2007, 1:48pm

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ps....oh yeah one more. I do close guys who I think are just really, really reaching and not right for me. I know it sounds shallow, but I am a pretty attractive, educated woman. I'm flattered that a lot of men want to communicate with me, but if he looks like he just doesn't take care of himself I have to think....does he really think we would be a well-matched pair? I have a lot of men wish to communicate with me who are not only really unattractive, but who also dont have much to say about themselves, and on top of that they have a job that sounds like they just dont care about life...or see it the way I do. I fell like I have worked hard to be the person I am...and I dont want someone who is a super over-acheiver and model good looking (That would be a bit too much for me) I want someone I can relate to, who is similiar to me in ambition and the way I take care of myself.
 
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special2 is offline special2 Post #4  December 24,2007, 2:03pm
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I agree with cp30 that eharmony probably does a service by not offering a fill-in-the-blank closing option. Do I really want to tell or hear that the picture was not someone I see myself with or vice versa, or that he sounds arrogant, or that I didn't like that his shirt in his about me photo says "Player" on it? So far, everyone I've closed or who has closed me has used 1 of 3 reasons: pursuing another relationship, physical distance is too great, or other. All of these are unoffensive, and really, the process is uncomfortable enough without having to add abrasiveness. I think eharmony's choices are fine.
 
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LifeIsGreat@40 is offline LifeIsGreat@40 Post #5  December 24,2007, 3:56pm
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I was closed by the "other" option by a guy whom I was in Open Communication. We had been seeing each other for three weeks, I told him I hoped he was not trying to impress me by sharing with me all the "things" he had given women in his previous relationships. He apparently got angry, but did not address the matter, instead he did not answer my calls for three days. When I realized we had not spoken for three days the thought came to me that perhaps he was upset from our last conversation. I left him another message asking if he was okay, first, then I asked if he was upset from our conversation, then I told him if I did not hear from him by the next day I would not call him again. Well, that night he went onto eHarmony and closed out comm. -- "other", we were no longer using the tool to communicate. I was shocked, I felt he was a coward, he lacked communication skills, and I had probably hit the nail on the head about him trying to impress me with material things -- good riddance.
 
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BILLGOLF is offline BILLGOLF Post #6  December 24,2007, 5:56pm
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I, like many others, wish there was a place for written comments to close. HOWEVER, after reading this article and prior comments to it I agree this is pretty good as is. I keep getting matches that are over 100 miles away, so it is easy to close with distance reason. I have had a few close me for "NO CHEMISTRY", gee, I recognize I sure don't have universal sex appeal so it doesn't bother me. I will not use that one, there are less hurtful, honest ones to use.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #7  December 24,2007, 6:16pm
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Why not just have "I don't feel a connection" then, instead of the very impersonal "other"? It covers a multitude of issues that might be valid, without sounding so dismissive.
 
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Mighty Aphrodite is offline Mighty Aphrodite Post #8  December 24,2007, 7:39pm
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I think my previous post disappeared into the great beyond, so here goes. Almost all of my "other" reasons could be summed up as poor communication skills. Single word responses, spelling errors in even the first name (!!) or city, odd verb usage, dropped pronouns, text-speak (u no who u r) all add up to a bad first impression when a guy really should want to sound his best. I used to give the benefit of the doubt, but no longer. The ones who write like ESL (English as a Second Language) students have invariably gone straight for the sugar-honey talk and give few particulars about themselves. They want my info though--real phone number, email, you name it. Several of these that I dropped in open communication have later "been removed from the eHarmony.com service." Now I drop the bad grammar guys right away. So... if you are a real guy and not looking for a green card or $2500 because you suddenly got stuck overseas without your VISA card, take heed. Check your spelling, use complete sentences where appropriate, and avoid text-speak. You don't have to write a book about yourself, but remember that we gals honestly want to know about you, and the profile is our first impression.
 
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NurseHypno is offline NurseHypno Post #9  December 25,2007, 12:33am
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When I have closed matches, one of my pet peeves with eharmony is that they do not list the education level of a person, and even tho I have listed education as "very important" in my match criteria, they do continue to send me matches who cannot spell, who cannot write and are obviously, even by their job, not above a high school education (if even that!!). Then they do not give the choice of being able to close for lack of education. Then again, I request non-smokers as I am very allergic to smoke. However, in at least one match they sent me, the guy had put "never" for smoking, yet in his picture he was smoking a cigar (even worse than cigarettes!!) and yet they do not offer a choice for closure that you are closing because they are a smoker or that they lied in their profile. If they will lie about something as important to others as smoking, they would lie about anything. Thus, I have used "other" to reflect what I cannot reflect in reality. I wish we did have more, and even more specific, choices in closings and in replies to closures tho I do agree with most of the rest who posted that being able to have an open reply that was filled in would not be good.
 
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NurseEllen is offline NurseEllen Post #10  December 25,2007, 6:55am
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I was hoping to fill in the blank when I hit on "other" just the other day... But no luck. I can see after reading these posts that it is just as well that this not an option. Knowing me, I'd be cranky one day and say too much anyway! I am new to the eHarmony family, but I can see that the grammer/Punctuation/Spelling bit is unlikely to get better and will start dropping those sooner. I am glad this post was here- thanks, everyone, for the input!
 
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