Closing Your Matches - What Does "Other" Mean?


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Divadoc2 is offline Divadoc2 Post #21  December 26,2007, 5:49am
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I understand the other option and agree with the site administrators that it may be less hurtful than other free form options. Typically there are a host of reasons not covered by other options, which only become apparent after the first communications or after reading the intro. We have to remember this communication stuff is filled with nuances that are a result of our cultures or education or social goals. A potential suitor may list physical fitness as important to them, you may expect the cover for Shape or Fitness magazine, but it might just be someone who has recommitted to including physical fitness as part of the daily routine....Similarly someone claiming to be "very attentive and romantic to their partner" may translate into "smothering and stalker-like" for the recipient depending on customs or education etc. Also as honest as we want to be their will always be little things that we don't necessarily write or acknowledge that will color our reception/interpreation of the nex person. So other takes care of that...vague, all encompassing but effective
 
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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #22  December 26,2007, 1:13pm
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I never use "other" but neither do I take people who use it seriously nor do I imbue it with any special meaning other than the person is not interested. These are not people with whom I have a relationship. They are just people with whom I have exchanged a few questions here and there. I think any feedback to be gained from the reasons that the would close you out are not tremendously valid since they really do not know you and visa versa. This is a dating service and not a therapy office. I prefer to get my feedback from friends, family etc.
 
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Wilhelm is offline Wilhelm Post #23  December 26,2007, 7:38pm
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I have never cared for the "Other" Option, and also have wished there was a "fill in the blank" option. I have only used the "other" option once, with much regret, Yet, the others didn't fit, the potential match was only interested in those who had never been married, and as I am divorced, I certaintly don't fit in. I really wish that there was a "based on statements in your your profile, I don't feel I'm the person your looking for" option. Unless I'm majorly mistaken that phrase is non blaming and non judgemental to the person your closing the match with. And, it's no worse than the "based on your must haves, can't stands..." option. yet this could be used before you got to that stage. Believe it or not, I truly to read the person's profile, and especially what they are looking for in the other person. Oh, and as for the person who I closed with "other", she helped me, as right after I closed, I added the statement saying that I'm divorced. I may be closing myself off to potential matches, but the way I see it, if they don't want someone who is divorced, waiting to tell them is only putting off the inevitable. Overall, Honesty with others and to yourself is something that can't be stressed enough.
 
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Fide_Et_Marte is offline Fide_Et_Marte Post #24  December 26,2007, 10:43pm
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I strongly disagree with eHarmony's rationale for disallowing free-form close messages in favor of "other". First, while it doesn't matter why any singular person decides to close you out, it *does* matter in aggregate. For example, consider the situation that CP30 mentioned: perhaps matches tend to react to one of your favorite short-answer questions as being "too personal". If one person reacts that way, that's insignificant. But if a string of people react negatively, then that *is* significant, and that's information that you probably would want to know. (Really, think about it: if some behavior of yours was a significant turn-off to a non-trivial number of the opposite sex, wouldn't you want to know what that behavior is?)

Second, empirical evidence doesn't back up eHarmony's position that allowing free-form text would invite insults. I am a longtime subscriber to another service (I won't say which one, but it rhymes with "catch") that does not use a structured communication system; all messages are free-form. In the entire time I have been using the service, plenty of my initial emails have been ignored, but I've never once received a rude reply. I find it difficult to believe that eHarmony's user base would be that much more immature.

Third, and lastly, there's a very simple technological way to address this situation: create a preference to allow each subscriber to choose whether matches have a free-form text option during the closeout process. Make the default "no". If the subscriber attempts to change it to "yes", then show them the explanation of why eHarmony recommends leaving it at "no", and force them to click a "I understand that if I allow my matches to compose a free-form explanation during the closeout process, I may receive explanations that are hurtful and/or rude" checkbox to change it to "yes". That way, if you are closing a match out, and see a free-form text option, and none of the canned reasons adequately explains why you decided to close the match, you'll know that the person would prefer that you write your own explanation instead of selecting "other".
 
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Fide_Et_Marte is offline Fide_Et_Marte Post #25  December 26,2007, 10:53pm
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And as long as I'm at it, here's some more feedback: why the heck can't we put paragraph breaks in the replies we post? I realize eHarmony probably doesn't want to encourage people to write mini-novels in reply to articles, but even for a very short reply, being able to use paragraph breaks appropriately would improve readability immensely...
 
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Max32 is offline Max32 Post #26  December 27,2007, 10:04am
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Let's face it, this is a sorting process. Don't take it personally. Get over it. Some will, some won't, so what, NEXT!!! What you are looking for is out there looking for you...keep sorting.
 
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Max32 is offline Max32 Post #27  December 27,2007, 10:12am
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Let's face it, this is a sorting process. Never take anything personally. It is not about you. Some will, some won't, so what, NEXT!!! Get over it and move on! With 15,000 people signing on a day do you think it's possible you have a match out there? Keep sorting. Spread your net wider if you are not catching the matches you seek.
Don't you remember the first time you really, really fell in love as an adult. There isn't anything that could have kept you for being with that person. The feeling was probably the most intense wonderful feeling you have ever had in your life. Wouldn't you do just about anything to find that again. If "YES,"never give up! What you are looking for is out there looking for you!!!
 
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jennif01 is offline jennif01 Post #28  December 27,2007, 2:26pm
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I don't have a problem with the 'Other' option, but on the same token I think Fide Et Marte is onto something, and any eHarmony moderators should seriously consider their suggestions.
The thing that concerns me about some of the responses I read here is that some people tend to think that your matches (not even dates in a lot of cases) owe you something. They don't! They aren't 'playing games' by closing you out. The ultimate message of a Closed match is this: I don't care to know you anymore/know anything more about you. While it may be nice to know the exact reason, the ultimate point has been made. There is nothing dishonest about it.
For example, they don't have an option for 'I don't find you attractive'. Why? Because if someone doesn't find you attractive, it doesn't really matter; what can you do about it? Hopefully you are putting your best foot forward in your photos, have on nice clothes, groomed hair, etc. so anything short of plastic surgery isn't going to make you attractive to the person that doesn't want you. So how can someone use that information to improve? Some people will want to hear that reason, but not everyone. And it's perfectly fine, even on eHarmony, to close someone out because you aren't attracted to them. You don't have much basis for a romance without some level of attraction. Now if you are in open communication and/or you've been out with a person, I think you should say more than Other. I certainly would. But the fact that eHarmony doesn't mandate it is not a big deal to me.
 
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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #29  December 27,2007, 3:16pm
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Amen to Max32. This is essentially a volume enterprise. The more people you interact with, the higher the probability of finding
a meaningful relationship. "Next" should be the dating mantra.
 
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gakmsc is offline gakmsc Post #30  December 27,2007, 5:39pm
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I think that the "other" reason is a cop out too, but I've used it a couple of times when there was no "other" reason to select. It isn't a bad option, depending on how honest you are, and when you use it.
The honest part..nothing else on the list fit, so other would be the only choice. You could be more sensitive, and use any one of the other choices if you don't want to hurt the person's feelings. Then it comes down to when you use it.
Now, I don't lose sleep over any of the rejections I've gotten, but I have been very annoyed at the timing. I use to not post my picture, and waited until after the person either asked or after 1st communication. What was annoying, and hurtful was the person ending the match after the picture was posted. Other was at least honest in this case. But what is worse is suddenly deciding that we live too far apart, the difference in our age, or based on statements in my profile..., or dead silence . They've been able to see where I live, and how old I am since the very beginning. And why did they wait to read my profile til after I posted a photo? (I know I'm not going to be every guy's cup of tea. I'm not naive.) The one I personally liked was the guy who chose that our Must Haves/Can't Stands didn't fit. We hadn't gotten that far. I have decided that I will just post my photo for all to see at the beginning. Then I don't have to know why exactly they are closing the match.
But regardless, this is a person you don't know, probably will never associate with, etc, so just get over it. (Exception, the girl on here that replied the jerk ended it after meeting. You're probably better off anyway)
One last comment. I have to agree with the woman that said spelling and grammar are important. It says a lot about the person's education level, and how much effort they are willing to apply. Heck, how hard is it to use the spell checker option included with eHarmony? Click!
 
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