Dan25 is offline Dan25 Post #1  November 20,2009, 5:26am
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I had been in Open Communication with a girl on here for about two weeks. We had some mutual interests, and the messages we sent back and forth were pretty lengthy. After answering her most recent questions and asking a few of my own, I added at the end that I'd like to meet in person; I suggested meeting somewhere and going for a walk so we could talk and get to know one another. It's been almost 2 weeks since then and I haven't received a reply.

I'm still kind of new to using this webpage, she was the first one I've had really good communication with on here. What is the general etiquette on here for asking to meet in person?
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  November 20,2009, 5:44am
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Two weeks is too long to spend e-mailing back and forth. A few exchanges in OC, one or two phone calls, then meet.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  November 20,2009, 6:10am
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There are no black and white answers to your question simply because each person is different. Those who have been doing the internet thing for awhile, want to talk and meet quickly because they've learned all about the pitfalls of being pen pals for too long. Those who are just starting out will want to e-mail forever.

However, the most important thing that you'll learn is that people will consistently disappear on you and that has nothing to do with you. While you are chatting away with any given person, you really don't know what's going on in their life - they may be having work problems or personal problems, or they started seeing someone else more seriously or agreed to be exclusive or decided to take a break from dating, or their subscription expired and they can't talk to you anymore, or insert any reason here. The thing is that since you are a total stranger, most people do not feel that they owe you any explanation whatsoever - they will just move on and stop talking to you. You really have to have thick skin with this and realize that it really is not you.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #4  November 20,2009, 7:32am
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Too soon? No. Way too late actually.

If your e-communication was quite regular, and she poofed at the first sign of a suggestion to meet, she's gone. And was probably never really interested. Or is so skittish that she isn't really able to meet anybody, and probably should not be on eH.

I hope you have learned not to waste time writing lengthy questions and answers to someone you have never seen in person, who may or may not be interested in meeting. You burn up all your good in-person conversation material when you do this.

In the future, make your 2nd Answers short and start OC by expressing a desire to meet. If you can't get agreement on this by the 3rd OC message at the latest, the match is not really interested. I'm not saying to go high-pressure either... after all, you want your match to want to meet you, just as much as you want to meet her. It's tricky if you're coming from a pen-pal mindset, but you must adapt.

Prolonged e-communication does not increase the desire to meet. It either decreases it (studies show this), or it leads to the creation of "fantasy images" of what the other person is, that can't possibly be satisfied.

Sure, someone could stop communicating for a real reason. But 1) I think it's very rare, and 2) it shows how they might behave in real life.

Move on.
Last edited by melman; November 20,2009 at 7:37am.
 
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Gtaylor72 is offline Gtaylor72 Post #5  November 20,2009, 9:02am
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If the studies show prolonged communication is bad then I must just not be that great of a catch, and I have been on dating sites for over 10 years. I used to meet my matches within the first couple weeks, and every time ended badly. I had one match I met after a about a week of communication. I felt the date had went well. Well she sent me an email the next day saying she had not felt that instant click. Another I met after that first week said, during the date, she was joining the peace corps and wanted her partner to join also.

The second instance could have been handled better by prolonged communication before meeting. As the peace corps thing could have been mentioned in email and really should have before meeting. The first instance I feel could have been handled better again by prolonged communication. I think she would have gotten a better sense of who I was by prolonged discussion and could have come to a conclusion of whether or not she wanted to proceed without meeting.

I have more such stories but I won't bore everybody with them.

Anymore I generally wait before meeting. I have never had success meeting someone within the first couple weeks.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  November 20,2009, 9:10am
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Is it possible in OC to send a nudge?

There's no way to know why she hasn't responded, could be anything. Your asking to meet was entirely appropriate.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #7  November 20,2009, 4:23pm
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Gtaylor72 wrote :
If the studies show prolonged communication is bad
Take this for what it's worth. And there may well be research asserting exactly the opposite...

"Less Is More: The Lure of Ambiguity, or Why Familiarity Breeds Contempt". American Psychological Assn. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 92, No 1, 2007.

wrote :
Abstract: The present research shows that although people believe that learning more about others leads to greater liking, more information about others leads, on average, to less liking. Thus, ambiguity—lacking information about another—leads to liking, whereas familiarity—acquiring more information— can breed contempt. This “less is more” effect is due to the cascading nature of dissimilarity: Once evidence of dissimilarity is encountered, subsequent information is more likely to be interpreted as further evidence of dissimilarity, leading to decreased liking. The authors document the negative relationship between knowledge and liking in laboratory studies and with pre-and postdate data from online daters, while showing the mediating role of dissimilarity.
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #8  November 20,2009, 6:52pm
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Gtaylor72 wrote :
If the studies show prolonged communication is bad then I must just not be that great of a catch, and I have been on dating sites for over 10 years. I used to meet my matches within the first couple weeks, and every time ended badly. I had one match I met after a about a week of communication. I felt the date had went well. Well she sent me an email the next day saying she had not felt that instant click. Another I met after that first week said, during the date, she was joining the peace corps and wanted her partner to join also.

The second instance could have been handled better by prolonged communication before meeting. As the peace corps thing could have been mentioned in email and really should have before meeting. The first instance I feel could have been handled better again by prolonged communication. I think she would have gotten a better sense of who I was by prolonged discussion and could have come to a conclusion of whether or not she wanted to proceed without meeting.

I have more such stories but I won't bore everybody with them.

Anymore I generally wait before meeting. I have never had success meeting someone within the first couple weeks.
Here Here!

When to schedule that first meeting is just a plain horrible dilemmia...

Push for it too fast, and the Match might:
1) Get skittish, and Poof on you before you get to the first date.
2) Go into the meeting without any sort of real "connection" so they might completely judge you on appearance and looks, rather than know a little bit more about you and what makes you tick.

Push for it too slow, and the Match might:
1) Lose interest, and will simply stop emailing, and eventually Poof before you get to the first date.
2) Be a dud/unattractive. Ultimately there has to be at least some sort of attraction. This one is real bad, because if you have traded MANY emails, and spent MANY hours writing and thinking about said Match, then going to the date and finding out there is no attraction, you then realize you "wasted" those hours on a dream, and not reality. This one bites.

I have been on EH for a long time, (much too long unfortunately), and I have been victim of all the above, and I honestly can't say whether meeting fast or meeting slow is better.

I think if you are a guy, and are tall/good looking, meeting faster is probably better, as the first date "initial attraction" is probably going to be there for you, and you can build the deeper connections during and after that first meeting.
Same thing for the good looking and/or petite gals.

For the rest of us, ie, the average people of the world...
I just don't know...
(If I knew, I wouldn't be here as "Single" anymore) =)
 
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