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ellie927 ellie927 is offline
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Okay, I haven't gotten a match yet that has attempted to connect with me.

I keep getting "closed" by men that are far less attractive than anyone I'd ever consider "connecting with," let alone dating.

I am not trying to sound shallow, I am just confused by how eharmony works? I am wondering if I suddenly became heinous looking overnight?

I changed my photos a few times, and have a variety of different ones up.

I don't get it and I am really bummed out.

Also, I haven't gotten a single match that I am attracted to yet. What gives?
- November 6th, 2009, 06:58 pm
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eH_Advice_Host_Renee eH_Advice_Host_Renee is offline
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Dear ellie927,

I'm sorry you are feeling discouraged because matches aren't responding to your communication requests, but I am glad you have come to eHarmony Advice for support.

As many already know, two things drive communication: your photos and your About Me page. I am glad to hear that you have posted a variety of photos; however, if your About Me page isn't also filled out completely or doesn't provide important details that really give your matches a sense of who you are, your matches may not be inspired to communicate with you.

Therefore, I encourage you to take another look at your About Me page and ask yourself if it's representing you as fully as possible. There is plenty of room to really share about yourself, but are your answers just a word or a sentence or two? If you are not taking advantage of most of the space available, matches may not feel you are as serious about your search as someone who took the time to create a detailed, thoughtful page.

To help you enhance your answers consider the following: If you are made a general statement, did you follow it up with an example? For example, if you say you enjoy spending time with family and friends, did you follow that up with examples of of specific activities you enjoy doing with them?

Can your answers be more detailed? For example, if your occupation is a teacher, what do you teach? what grade level? If you enjoy movies, what genre(s) are your favorite? Do you have a favorite director, actor, or all-time favorite movie? These little details are what reflect your unique personality!

Also, I recommend that you try to read your About Me page as a match would. Can they see themselves as part of your life? Perhaps you can have a friend or family member read your answers to get their feedback/suggestions.

Also, in case you aren't aware of it, our Using eHarmony forum provides on-going Profile Workshops to help members create the best About Me page possible. You can learn more about them here: Dating advice message board

Lastly, just a reminder that, anytime you need help with your eHarmony account or have questions about our service, you can also e-mail our Customer Care team for support by clicking on the Help link at the bottom of all our Singles site pages.

All the best,

-Renee
eHarmony Advice Host
Last edited by eH_Advice_Host_Renee; November 7th, 2009 at 03:13 pm.
- November 7th, 2009, 03:06 pm
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melman melman is offline
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ellie, most of your matches are inactive. Either they never paid up, or they are former members who no longer access the site. They will never view you and will never respond to any communication. There are several estimates floating around about how bad this problem is. Mine, based on over two years as an active and inactive member, is that about 75% of your matches are inactive.

The eH employees know this but apparently can't mention this, or even hint at it.
- November 7th, 2009, 03:20 pm
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DanielJr82 DanielJr82 is offline
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What's really bothersome is when they close you and select "Other" and nothing else. 7 times out of 10 this is the case with me. It's hard to improve your profile when your matches just outright close you and don't give you a reason. I chalk it up to attractiveness issues, i.e. I'm not up to their standards.

When I first started with eHarmony I was closing matches left and right (too far, too tall, etc.), but after 4 months with the website I have a new policy --don't close anybody, let them close me. I'm not shutting down any more opportunities, but if they want to shut me out, that's fine. I'll just move on.

But good luck, either way! Stay strong.
- November 8th, 2009, 02:05 am
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Gr8Guyn2008 Gr8Guyn2008 is online now
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I don't believe that anyone has addressed what your problems are yet so I will take a stab at it.

First the concept of eHarmony is that successful relationships are built on compatibility of personalities and values. Therefore you are matched based on the answers that you gave when filling out the Personality Profile Questionnaire. That is what the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility is all about and every match you get will match on those 29 Dimensions. You may have noticed that superficial things like looks were not on the Questionnaire. What you have written in your profile has very little to do with the matches you receive, however it is the first introduction to who you are that your matches see. So if you have things in your profile that turn off a match then you may want to fix that.

Renee made an assumption that you are sending First Questions to your matches and I suspect that you are not.

You say that you are not being shallow yet you also say that the matches that are closing you are less attractive than anyone that you would "ever consider "connecting with," let alone dating." Sorry but your ego and shallowness is such that it is a mountain. I would have to say that your matches have dodged a bullet by closing you.

I will even go a step farther and recommend that you might want to try Match instead of eHarmony because Match is all about looks; height, weight, hair color and such and has no criteria for values.
- November 8th, 2009, 08:47 am
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Gr8Guyn2008 Gr8Guyn2008 is online now
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DanielJr82 wrote :
What's really bothersome is when they close you and select "Other" and nothing else. 7 times out of 10 this is the case with me. It's hard to improve your profile when your matches just outright close you and don't give you a reason. I chalk it up to attractiveness issues, i.e. I'm not up to their standards.

When I first started with eHarmony I was closing matches left and right (too far, too tall, etc.), but after 4 months with the website I have a new policy --don't close anybody, let them close me. I'm not shutting down any more opportunities, but if they want to shut me out, that's fine. I'll just move on.

But good luck, either way! Stay strong.
Good procedure and attitude.
- November 8th, 2009, 08:47 am
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Wonderwoman402 Wonderwoman402 is offline
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ellie927 wrote :
Okay, I haven't gotten a match yet that has attempted to connect with me.

I keep getting "closed" by men that are far less attractive than anyone I'd ever consider "connecting with," let alone dating.

I am not trying to sound shallow, I am just confused by how eharmony works? I am wondering if I suddenly became heinous looking overnight?

I changed my photos a few times, and have a variety of different ones up.

I don't get it and I am really bummed out.

Also, I haven't gotten a single match that I am attracted to yet. What gives?
Why be upset if guys that you aren't attracted to and have no desire to date close you? They just saved you the bother of doing so yourself.

You say you haven't gotten a single match that you're attracted to yet. How long have you been on eHarmony? Are we talking no one out of 20, or 200, matches? Everyone is attracted to different qualities, and everyone has imperfections. You may want to reconsider what is important in finding someone attractive. Is it his smile and the twinkle in his eye? Or are you looking at the more superficial things such as whether he has hair, or a mustache, etc.?

Personally, I find people become more... or less... attractive the better I know them. I work with a guy who would be considered handsome by most people's standards, but I would never in a million years go out with him because of his personality and attitudes. I also work with some less-than-average looking guys who are wonderful and I would date in a minute (if I were to consider dating coworkers, that is)!

If you've been given lots of matches and don't find ANY of them attractive, then you might want to reflect on whether you're looking for eye candy or someone you can really relate to. I'm not minimizing the importance of finding someone physically attractive to you, but there is usually a range of what's attractive and you might want to consider whether you really are being too shallow in your judgment of their photos.
- November 8th, 2009, 09:09 am
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ScottK ScottK is offline
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
You say that you are not being shallow yet you also say that the matches that are closing you are less attractive than anyone that you would "ever consider "connecting with," let alone dating." Sorry but your ego and shallowness is such that it is a mountain. I would have to say that your matches have dodged a bullet by closing you.
I was thinking the same thing.

Perhaps her "Better than you" attitude is showing in her Profile, and the guys are detecting it and Closing her right away.

Hopefully a few of those guys are reading this thread, and going:
"WHEW! I did read that one right! I dodged a BIG bullet!"
- November 8th, 2009, 11:21 am
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skoolmarm skoolmarm is offline
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I'm so glad someone else is frustrated by the lack of responses from matches, and after reading some of the responses I feel a bit better. Several of you gave her sound, rational advice. As a female "old enough to know better" I thought games/issues/fears, etc. went the way of high school and disco, but I guess that inner child still hangs on to baggage even in middle age. I've only been a member for 3 months, but I guess all those commercials led me to believe "it" happens overnight using this program...not. Time I'm willing to invest. I've updated/edited my profile a few times, had friends vote pro/con on my photo...I just don't get why NO ONE out of approx. 50 decent matches has communicated. I'm open to suggestions, and best wishes to you all...
- November 8th, 2009, 10:55 pm
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houteacher houteacher is offline
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Have you tried contacting any of your matches first? I'm new to this, so I'm not an expert, but I have contacted a couple of people that I'm now communicating with.

Don't be too concerned about looks...you simply cannot tell what anyone is truly like by just their looks! Relax that standard...and try contacting an interesting match first!

Good luck and don't give up!
- November 9th, 2009, 09:36 am
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