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JDavid JDavid is offline
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neardc wrote :
That is, of course, fine for you. It's not necessary, though, to belittle those who feel differently.
Where, exactly, do you read "belittle" into my post?

neardc wrote :
One thing that I have learned from reading these boards is that it is quite common for people to take the reasons cited for closure quite personally, especially when they are new subscribers.
Perhaps it would be wise for people to learn to NOT take personally someone's lack of response or lack of interest.
- October 29th, 2009, 06:03 pm
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Ephemera Ephemera is offline
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While it is indeed possible to put one's profile here for critiquing, it is no less critical, blunt, or painful than anything one's closing match would likely say. And while people here are ever so intellegent and helpful - they are not my matches and I want to hear what my matches have to say. Again - an option (like the one for anonymous view or open view) to select to read statements or even to allow matches to make statements regarding why they are closing could be offered. And certainly we read all the time how people are frustrated and mystified as to why they are being closed all the time. Well, let matches tell us why.
- October 29th, 2009, 07:02 pm
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olneyjeeps olneyjeeps is offline
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OK, first I was not able to read all of the posts.... reason: other
JK... extreme back pain keeps from sitting too long
Anyway, it is my opinion that even if there were 318,291 answers to choose from, if the person is rude, they will be rude period. If the person wants to close and send reason for closing, there are plenty of methods to write a "dear J" letter:
When I closed my EH account,
OC: that was easy, just wrote letter explaining had met someone
GC answering questions: used "open end" answers to write
GC sending questions: if possible wrote in question, if not, sent "fastrack" request letter, but used as method to send "you seem wonderful, but as fate would have it I have become involved with someone to a point that I don't feel comfortable keeping other matches open" letter.
Just my .02

For what it's worth, (after initial questions) I never just closed anyone.
Prior to questions, yes I closed dozens, using options listed (only a couple "other"s).
Last edited by olneyjeeps; October 29th, 2009 at 07:07 pm.
- October 29th, 2009, 07:04 pm
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olneyjeeps olneyjeeps is offline
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How's: You boasted "intelligent", then said "Your going to have to ask"

For those scratching their head, improper use of "your" , should have been "You're" (contraction for you are).
- October 29th, 2009, 07:16 pm
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Ephemera Ephemera is offline
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And oh my god, I would so love to tell a match that I'm closing them because I don't find it sexy at all that they don't like to read books.

Or that the picture of them with twenty seven grandchildren crawling all over them and the mention five times in the profile of how much time they spend with the grandkids. Oh so not sexy.

And please, please, please let me tell him that posing with his big ol' boat, sporty car, etc.... just screams small you know what to me.

So many things all bottled up that I'm just dying to say. I can't just scream into my computer screen forever.
- October 29th, 2009, 07:34 pm
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JDavid JDavid is offline
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Ephemera wrote :
Well, let matches tell us why.
Do people reliably tell the truth about what they dislike or find objectionable in others (in real life or in the anonymity of Internet dating sites)?

Should we conclude that matches can be depended upon to tell the REAL reason they close anyone?

How could anyone decide whether that declining person was telling their real reason and not their "good reason" (a reason offered with the intent to be "kind" or to be socially correct -- even if not actual or true)?

Would you expect a large percentage of people to admit that they actually close a match "because you are not physically appealing" or "because you are obese" or "because your comments are immature"?

Can "other" be a deliberate CHOICE made to NOT tell the real reason (such as unattractive, corpulent, childish)?

Ephemera, didn't you address all of this with your next post -- #65? Have you ever told anyone anything like what you suggest in that post (in real life or in Internet setting)? If we make a practice of NOT saying what is really on our mind (or identifying our real reasons), is it reasonable for us to expect others to be more forthright?
- October 29th, 2009, 07:53 pm
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Wonderwoman402 Wonderwoman402 is offline
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Ephemera wrote :
And oh my god, I would so love to tell a match that I'm closing them because I don't find it sexy at all that they don't like to read books.

Or that the picture of them with twenty seven grandchildren crawling all over them and the mention five times in the profile of how much time they spend with the grandkids. Oh so not sexy.

And please, please, please let me tell him that posing with his big ol' boat, sporty car, etc.... just screams small you know what to me.

So many things all bottled up that I'm just dying to say. I can't just scream into my computer screen forever.
All those matches are what they are. If they don't seem compatible to you, just close (doesn't matter what reason) and move on. I just don't see what there is to get so worked up about (shrug).

Would you like it if those matches could close you and say :
She seems like a book snob.
She doesn't like kids.
She doesn't even have enough sense of adventure to want to share a ride in my boat.
Her judgmental attitude really turns me off.

Everything you listed as things you're dying to say to matches could be turned around on you just like that. Would you REALLY feel better getting a mailbox full of those comments? I'll bet you'd really be screaming at your computer then.
- October 29th, 2009, 08:41 pm
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Ephemera Ephemera is offline
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Yes, I know, you're probably right. I'd just say - I need someone who reads, I need someone with time away from grandkids, I need someone with a decent sized you know what. I need I need I need.... And still be screaming into space.
- October 29th, 2009, 08:47 pm
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Ephemera wrote :
I'd like to know why - really why. And since there is nothing stopping them from being honest it might provide some great feedback on how they are perceiving your profile. And what you might want to change. Sure there would be negativity involved but after dating for a few years we're all more than able to deal with that. It might be helpful to know that the little witicism you find so endearing in your profile just makes you sound insane. And maybe the twelve mentions of your cat (or dog, or horse, or 'snake') is just way too much. You need to hear it - a lot in some cases. And wouldn't it be nice if that picture you think you look so hot in just says 'easy' to guys? That way you'd know why you are getting all the players, right? I think most of us would really like to know WHY?
I agree
- October 29th, 2009, 09:19 pm
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Oregon_Coast_Guy Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline
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I'm confused by the "Because I was put on hold" option. Isn't that basically the same thing as "Match refused to communicate" option?

I don't think there should be any reasons given for closing a match. Why do I owe someone who I never even went to stage 1 with anything?

And, let's be honest here, you close someone in this early of a stage in communication because of the lack of physical attraction anyway. I think most people are smart enough to know that. It's why I close matches without even sending the first questions.
- October 30th, 2009, 12:58 am
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