A Question for the Ladies of eHA: Too Harsh or Just Right?


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Mr. Nice Guy is offline Mr. Nice Guy Post #1  September 28,2009, 2:35pm
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(A Question for the Ladies of eHA: Too Harsh or Just Right?)PROBLEM SOLVED, CLICK HERE PLEASE

In recent editing of my 'About Me' profile, in my answer to the last of the 13 questions, I wrote the following:



13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I have been a subscriber on eHarmony for the better part of nearly 2 years. My latest subscription expires on December 15, 2009. Chances are good that I will not be extending my subscription beyond that date. In the past, some matches have decided to waste my time by not communicating on a regular basis. I have no problem with moving slow in developing a relationship with a woman, but I will not tolerate procrastination when trying to communicate with a woman. This kind of behavior will only show your lack of interest in me, and will cause me to lose interest in you. EH says: "Communication is your key to success!" :-)

UPDATE, PLEASE CLICK HERE (A Question for the Ladies of eHA: Too Harsh or Just Right?)

2ND UPDATE (A Question for the Ladies of eHA: Too Harsh or Just Right?)



Do you think this statement comes across as too harsh and might scare off potentially great matches? Or do you think it is right on target? Ladies, would you feel intimidated or threatened, even just a little bit if you were matched with me, and you found this in my profile? Would this answer be enough to cause you to want to close me out?

I mean, seriously, it just seems to me that some women, especially strong Christian women (the type of person I want to be with), who feel more comfortable taking it slow when developing a relationship with a man, also seem to think that this means the same as communicating procrastinatingly slow with a man?

This is actually not true at all, in my honest opinion. They are not the same thing. In all honesty, if I attempt to communicate with a woman I am interested by say via e-mail, then I would expect a reply back in no more than 3-4 days at the most and sometimes even faster than that. I should not have to wait 2 weeks or longer between responses and I should also not have send multiple messages to her just to coax her into replying back. Any normal man who experiences this kind of thing with a woman would lose interest in her after a short time and it would be wise of him to just let her go. If he he doesn't let her go soon, then that means that there is something wrong with him!

I once closed a match recently that had gotten virtually nowhere after 2 months, even though we had since reached Open Communication. That, in and of itself, was a miracle of sorts, as this particular match took me through a long waiting game during our Guided Communication process, much much longer than I had ever experienced beforehand. When I tried to ask her nicely to try and speed up the pace somewhat, she shot back at me by taking offense to it. I didn't say anything else after that. I decided to close her 3 days later and that was the end of that.

So, what do you think, ladies? Too harsh of an answer or just right? Perhaps I need to say the same thing, but just reword it somewhat, or cut it out entirely. If I cut it out entirely, though, then I have a fear that history will repeat itself. I may only have until December 15th to find the love of my life on EH; that's less than 3 months out. It will take a certain set of circumstances all falling in just in the right place to convince me to extend my subscription even just a little bit longer. I guess it is a good thing that I just retook the 2-hour questionairre (29 dimensions) just a few days ago, which seems to have resulted in a resurgence of lots of quality matches for me! Right before that, I was going through a severe dry spell for a time.
Last edited by Mr. Nice Guy; September 30,2009 at 6:50am.
 
 
trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #2  September 28,2009, 2:54pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Don't think the basic underlying message is wrong but you sound angry. I wouldn't write to an angry sounding man.
 
 
tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #3  September 28,2009, 3:04pm
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Do not include that. I understand where you are coming from but if I read that in a profile I would close and I would think most women would. There is nothing wrong with including a note saying when your membership expires but 3 mos is plenty of time to get through communication.
 
 
Bootsky is offline Bootsky Post #4  September 28,2009, 3:32pm
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I would close you. It does sounds like you are angry about it. I do not think the way to get someone to communicate with you is to voice your frustration about women not communicating LOL. I would not put it like that.
 
 
Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #5  September 28,2009, 3:55pm
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The whole thing screams Loser to me. And pompous loser at that. So I'd close you instantly. And while I agree that the sentiment behind what you say can be frustrating, that is the nature of some people and you can close them with a twitch of your finger if you do not like it. If you are not getting any faster response times and you have to cajole the ones you do have into reponding faster than they are then I'd say maybe you are coming on in a way that is not exciting them or they would be communicating as fast as possible so as to not lose you. Be careful of seeming pompous - it is extremely unattractive. And of course you are not really pompous now are you? Cause if you are then that would be a big issue to work on. And we've all got our fair share of issues.
 
 
cardguy is offline cardguy Post #6  September 28,2009, 4:26pm
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I'd agree with the other posters: the way you phrased it right now pretty clearly announces that you're smarting from a previous bad relationship, and sends the message that you're more fearful of ending up in another bad relationship than hopeful about the possibilities of a new relationship.

In general, placing demands on your matches when making your first impression is a great way to get closed on: very few people are interested in having to "prove they're worthy" to pursue a relationship with a complete stranger.

That's not to say, however, that your profile can't communicate expectations you have for a relationship. The key is state the positive side of your expectations rather than what you're not looking for.

For example, I'm really only interested in matches that have an active personal Christian faith. I suppose I could say something like "if you're idea of faith is sitting in a pew for a couple of hours on Easter and Christmas, don't bother replying". That, however, comes across very negatively and doesn't even really capture what I'm trying to say. Instead my profile says something to the effect of "my faith is very important to me, and I'm looking for partner with whom to grow together and encourage one another in our faith".

For your case you might say something like "I see a relationship as a journey...while it may take some detours or unexpected turns, it needs direction and a commitment to good, prompt communication to succeed".
Last edited by cardguy; September 28,2009 at 4:30pm.
 
 
Bluemay2 is offline Bluemay2 Post #7  September 28,2009, 4:44pm
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Your wording sounds angry and full of frustration. Not a good way to appeal to a match. I think Cardguy's suggested wording and stating your subscription end date will have the desired effect. Good luck with the new quality matches.
 
 
Mr. Nice Guy is offline Mr. Nice Guy Post #8  September 28,2009, 4:48pm
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Okay, I cut off part of the answer to my question and did some some slight editing so that my answer now reads like this:

I have been a subscriber on eHarmony for the better part of nearly 2 years. My latest subscription expires on December 15, 2009. The chances are quite good that I will not be paying to extend my subscription beyond that date.

Is there anything that I could add to it? Any ideas?
 
 
cardguy is offline cardguy Post #9  September 28,2009, 5:01pm
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I don't see any reason to include the portion you just mentioned. How long you've been on eHarmony isn't particularly useful information to your match. I don't think mentioning your account expiration date is helpful either....it should be irrelevant until 2 weeks before your subscription is up anyway and makes it seem like you've more or less given up on the idea of finding a match online. If you really feel the need to list the expiration date on your account, I'd suggest something like "My account is set to expire on Dec 15th, but there's no time like the present to start chatting anyway ". I also would leave out the part on being committed not to renew...again it comes across as bitter rather than hopeful about the process.

In short what you have sounds rather pessimistic, and I think that outlook is a turn-off to a lot of people: especially as a first impression.
Last edited by cardguy; September 28,2009 at 5:07pm.
 
 
Mr. Nice Guy is offline Mr. Nice Guy Post #10  September 28,2009, 5:09pm
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cardguy wrote :
I don't see any reason to include the portion you just mentioned. How long you've been on eHarmony isn't particularly useful information to your match. I don't think mentioning your account expiration date is helpful either....it should be irrelevant until 2 weeks before your subscription is up anyway and makes it seem like you've more or less given up on the idea of finding a match online.

In short what you have sounds rather pessimistic, and I think that outlook is a turn-off to a lot of people: especially as a first impression.
Nope, I totally disagree with you there, else I may not get the desired effect that I really need right now. It is better to do something to solve a problem, then to do nothing at all, I always say. 'Nothing' really has become a "dirty word" for me in this situation. Just go back and read BlueMay2's post, as I feel like she hit the nail on the head. Really, she did!
 
 
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