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Tim78 Tim78 is offline
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I am new to eharmony, just became a paying member about a week ago. Using eharmony certainly does take some time to get used to, it is the only dating site I have ever seen where you can get rejected (closed) without even trying to communicate with someone.

Honestly, after the first 4 days I had never felt so rejected in my life and was about to quit it altogether, then oddly I started getting communication requests. I am a guy but one that is afraid of rejection. In real life the only girls that ever ask out are the ones that I know are interested in me. I guess I have always been terrified of rejection, and at least eharmony is finally getting me to face that fear. eharmony is definitely tough if you don't like rejection, there are no signals to read nothing.

That being said I still working on getting more comfortable with rejection and don't initiate that many communications yet. But now I find my number of matches getting to a number that is getting a bit difficult to manage. Being afraid of rejection myself I don't want to reject other people, since I generally treat people the way I myself want to be treated. But some of these matches are just sitting there and many of them may very well be inactive accounts. The only way to know would be to try to initiate a communication. I also find that most of my matches are pretty good and actually what I am looking for, not weirdos or the type of people you would typically see at pubs or on some other sites, so I would actually be willing to communicate with most of my matches. But then trying to communicate with all of them will result in a lot of rejection.
- September 6th, 2009, 10:16 pm
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Big_Bopper Big_Bopper is offline
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I was in your position about a month ago. The number of matches initially seems overwhelming!
However when you realise just how many of them simply never reply, it becomes more manageable.
Send them all your 5 questions, you’ve got nothing to lose. Don’t take it as rejection when most don’t reply. There is obviously a large number of members who nolonger check their accounts regularly.
In regards to those “unexplained” closeds. It happens. My theory is that many people who have been here for a while have become a little jaded and cynical, and hence they pull the “close” trigger at the first hint of incompatibility.
- September 9th, 2009, 11:42 am
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lmichelle1980 lmichelle1980 is offline
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REJECTION!!! Oh, it is awful. You never knew getting e-rejected could sting so bad but it does! lol...

When I first started back in March, I did the same thing. I didn't want to close a match because I didn't want to make anyone feel bad or reject them at all. I sent out one or two communication requests and then waited...and waited...and waited. Now, I hate to say it but I play the odds game. I send out communication requests to almost anyone because I figure we were matched up for some reason and there are only a handful of reasons why I would close a match before trying. Then I give it a week or so...sometimes longer. When I still haven't heard anything, I figure the people I sent one to didn't like me for some reason but, since we are similar, didn't want to make me feel bad. So I close up shop and move on.

Still waiting for someone special but I've meet a number of people and made some friends along the way. Rejection is scary...but the other side of it, acceptance, is sweet when it happens.
- September 9th, 2009, 12:06 pm
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YYsmiley YYsmiley is offline
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I'm a girl and new to EH too

I got like 7 new matches almost every day when I was not very prepared and no photos. Now, I got like 52 closed cases around 8 communication (only 1-2 are active) and around 5 new cases sitting as "NEW".

People close you or you have to close people so as to tidy up the account. I like to organize things.

Also, please don't apply the REAL LIFE thing here. Don't wait and think..."um...is this girl/ guy really suits me?....maybe I wait some time before I communicate..." The rejection here could mean nothing, it is just a tidy-up thing. Hope that we all don't take it very personal.
- September 9th, 2009, 12:16 pm
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RebornInFire RebornInFire is offline
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When you first start out, you will get a higher then average amount of actually "active" participants. Then it will dwindle to nothing. Out of 30 requests I sent out the last month, I only got 2 responses. Most never even closed me, meaning the vast majority of those I sent out went to inactive people.

If you are closed, just realize that online dating makes it real easy to be picky, and some people have a very strict wish list. For instance, if a woman prefers a man with hair, she will probably close out a bald or receding hairline man. If she prefers a man with a prestigious job, she will close out engineers, IT people, etc. They may even close you out because they have a kid of their own, and prefer to date men already involved with upbringing. The possible reasons can be infinite, don't assume you are close out just because they find you unattractive, boring, or a loser. I've closed out a lot of attractive women just because I can tell we would not mesh from their profile. For instance if they put down they like to go dancing, I don't. Just remember they don't know you, and if they close you out it is not a reflection on who you are as a person.
- September 9th, 2009, 12:23 pm
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CapnCrunch23 CapnCrunch23 is offline
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RebornInFire wrote :
. Just remember they don't know you, and if they close you out it is not a reflection on who you are as a person.
Exactly well said Reborn.. It's not rejection it's selection. Hey.. that rhymed I should be a rapper!
- September 9th, 2009, 12:42 pm
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Tim78 Tim78 is offline
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I've learned to take it a little less seriously now. I mean if you don't it will just get you depressed.

The fact that a couple of my matches have made it through to open communication and still communicating has also helped lessen the blow.

And yes, I have noticed a lot less activity on my new matches, no closing, nothing I hope this isn't a trend. I have also changed my profile to match me more with a specific type of person, honestly some of the matches that closed probably weren't good matches.
Last edited by Tim78; September 9th, 2009 at 07:23 pm.
- September 9th, 2009, 07:14 pm
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Bluemay2 Bluemay2 is offline
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I felt the same way early on but after 6 weeks, I've developed thicker skin. Now, I initiate communication on most matches. Some close me out within 1-2 days which shows they are active paying members (yay!... there are some). Others never respond because they are non-paying or inactive. I usually wait 2-3 weeks on no-replies and then close them out for no response. If they ever become paying members, then they can request to re-open the match. I find that taking control of my eH dating (um... ok, lack thereof) activity feels a whole lot better than waiting for someone else to make a move so to speak. Initiate away!!!
Last edited by Bluemay2; September 9th, 2009 at 07:45 pm.
- September 9th, 2009, 07:41 pm
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melman melman is offline
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Bluemay2 wrote :
I find that taking control of my eH dating (um... ok, lack thereof) activity feels a whole lot better than waiting for someone else to make a move so to speak.
Yes, that's one of the secrets to staying sane on eH, isn't it?

Another is to take control of your communications. At first I believed that every question a match asked me, had to be answered completely. Even the nosy questions. But if there are questions I wouldn't answer in person, why would I answer them to a stranger on eH? (See the thread "Answers to Wrong Questions".)

I know I felt much better when I stopped taking eH so seriously.
- September 9th, 2009, 09:00 pm
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Alistair Alistair is offline
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Look at it this way, the person closing you out is the loser, as they are missing out on a good thing.
It may also be one small thing in the profile. I try to be open minded, with few limitations, but there are a few red flags, which indicate likely problems.
As for responses, I tried an experiment recently where I left my account alone for a few weeks. On returning I had roughly 100 new matches, and of these 90% had done nothing, with rest having responded yes or no, which seems to be about the general experience. So I assume the 90% are not current subscribers or have given up completely, but how they become new matches is a bit of a mystery. One thing I like about Match is that you can see how active a person is.
- September 9th, 2009, 10:48 pm
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