He asked me out, need advice please


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sdlp79 is offline sdlp79 Post #1  September 5,2009, 1:11am
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I got some good replies in another thread I started myself. (It appears I jumped the gun there on what I was seeking advice for, I should have been asking about this.) So thought I'd come back for some more good advice.

I sent questions to a new match on Sep 1. After only one day, me and the match got to OC. We've exchanged roughly 3 emails each now, I think (no more than 4 each). Recently, he asked me what I considered a good first date, after replying what I thought that would be, he asked me out.

No obvious red flags or warning bells have went off from the OC conversation. However, I'm new to the dating scene completely, so I don't know if this is moving too fast or not. If the quick replies is the red flag/warning bell. It's coming across as just we're interested in each other and both of us have time to reply sooner rather than later (I know I do, I'm unemployed)

I gave him my regular email address and asked for his phone number, saying I would prefer to talk on the phone before agreeing to a date, which he replied promptly with (and his email address). Then I sent him a regular email away from eHarmony asking when was a good time to call him. I'm now waiting to see what he says.

So, due to my lack of dating experience, what do I do once he replies? Do I just call him up once he replies and see how that goes, like my plan is right now? I don't know if we'll make plans for a date while chatting or not. Since he asked me out, I'm guessing that would be his plan though.

Any advice would be appreciated. Not knowing what to do is making me nervous (but not in a bad way). I just don't want to blow it due to my inexperience.
 
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rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #2  September 5,2009, 2:09am
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Perhaps the "red flags" should come from within yourself NOT being ready and not your partner.
While I do not want to come across as caloused, your statements and concerns about "going to fast" is frustration for the other partner because the entire reason for joining E-Harmony is to potentially meet your soul mate. That requires a date.

The question needs to be asked of you, then. If no red flags have occurred and your already in open communication/exchanged e-mails...what were you expecting? Sometimes things "click" between two people. Sometimes due to timing, your both available to get through the E-Harmony comminication process in "light" speed. Others..it takes a few days. Either way, the INTENT is to date or eventually meet the person you are in diologue with.
So based on your statements listed above, I would think perhaps your not really ready to date again.
People that join E-Harmony I would think are looking to meet someone in a healthy relationship. In order to do that, you need to be healthy!!
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #3  September 5,2009, 4:05am
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Hi sdlp79:

I can understand nervousness from lack of experience. I don't know whether you're too young to have done much dating, but I'm 49 and just haven't done it in a very long time, and if it ever happens, I'm sure I'll get nervous, too!

To answer your question, everyone has their own time frame regarding how soon to meet, but the fact that your match has responded so quickly with contact information when asked is probably a good sign. It may be that the quick move to OC and meet plans was simply because you're a good match and sent to each other at the right time, and many have had experiences with matches going "poof!" if they wait very long for contact and/or follow-up.

As long as he agrees to meet you in a very public place and he doesn't push to leave there and take you elsewhere in his car, and/or push too hard, too fast for a follow up date someplace less public, I wouldn't be concerned. Just remember, though you say there are no obvious red flags now, if there are any along the way or you just start to get that "gut feeling" at some point that something's not right, please listen to it.

Good luck!
 
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tenderheart105 is offline tenderheart105 Post #4  September 5,2009, 12:50pm
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The fact that you moved into open communication so quickly can be a good thing. Don’t assume that is a red flag. It could just mean that he is interested. Yes, when you get his number, give him a call. Try not to think too far ahead. It's just a phone call. Then, if you meet for "coffee" it's just coffee. Take it one step at a time. I understand why you are nervous. If you don't really have any dating experience it can be nerve wracking to go out with someone you've never met. You'll be fine. The more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be. Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't allow others to be hard on you either!
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  September 5,2009, 1:11pm
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There is nothing wrong with meeting ASAP. But please remember that when you give out your full name, personal email, address, phone number, etc. - you have given away your identity. I'm not saying you have to meet in a cape and a halloween mask... but you are meeting a total stranger, and a total stranger doesn't need to know any of these things. Don't share any personal info until you're sure it's safe. I usually wait until after at least 2 meetings. And this is coming from a guy.
 
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DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #6  September 5,2009, 1:41pm
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Hi sdlp,

I think you're getting some very good advice here.

As Racing said or implied, make sure you are ready to be in the dating scene. I'm 49 like work-in-progress, and I'm sure I'll be nervous too if I ever get a date!! LOL But thee's a difference between being nervous and not being ready to date.

Your communication did progress swiftly, but I think that's a good sign. I haven't even gotten a response to the first 5 questions yet, so I applaud you! (Annoyingly enough, my 26 year old son is doing the free weekend this weekend and is already in OC with a woman!! LOL)

But I would caution you as have work-progress and Melman. Personally I would not have given him my real email. I have a yahoo email set up for that purpose. My "real" email uses my real first and last name, so I wouldn't give that out until I was sure he was not weird, because I don't want to have to change an email address I've had for years.

I also would have used the "secure call" thingy on eHarmony. Have any of you guys used it, and is it easy?? Well, that is what I'm planning on using, for the same reason as the email address.

Of course, you probably already know this, but here comes my "mothering instinct." LOL Meet him in a well-lit public place. Drive yourself. If you decide to go somewhere afterwards, drive there separately. Dont' give out your home address. Don't go to his home. (I'm talking about the first few dates, not forever! LOL)

And as Melman said, these rules should apply equally to men and women, because there are equally weird psychos and stalkers of both genders.

OK that we've scared you sh*tless, call him up and have fun!!! LOL Good luck!
 
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sdlp79 is offline sdlp79 Post #7  September 5,2009, 8:14pm
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Okay, I talked on the phone with him and felt comfortable enough to meet him at a local restaurant for dinner. He wanted to meet at a nearby mall first since it was our first face-to-face. When we met, he suggested he drive us to a nearby restaurant. I said I preferred to drive myself, he was fine with that but he suggested a different restaurant that was closer to the mall instead.

Dinner itself: I have to say that was the most awkward experience I ever went through. Hear that's normal for a first date though. After dinner ended early (he had an emergency come up), he even called to make sure I got home safely. However, I don't know if there will be a second date due to the dinner conversation. It showed that we may have some differences in some important areas. I've contacted him about that and voiced my concerns, now I'm waiting to hear back from him on how he wants to proceed. But, if there is no second date, at least now I'm not so nervous about meeting a guy for a date.

About the real email issue, I gave him my yahoo email. That just happens to be the one I use the most. He does not have my home address or my home phone. I do not know his home address.

Any red flags go off for anyone reading this other than my concerns I've already brought to his attention? I must admit the restaurant thing seems strange to me.
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #8  September 5,2009, 8:24pm
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sdlp79 wrote :
Any advice would be appreciated.
Say 'Yes' or 'No'.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  September 6,2009, 7:53pm
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sdlp79 wrote :
After dinner ended early (he had an emergency come up), he even called to make sure I got home safely. However, I don't know if there will be a second date due to the dinner conversation. It showed that we may have some differences in some important areas. I've contacted him about that and voiced my concerns, now I'm waiting to hear back from him on how he wants to proceed. But, if there is no second date, at least now I'm not so nervous about meeting a guy for a date.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you probably won't hear from this guy again ...his "emergency" is a little red wavy flag to me.

You did everything right, though ...thought about your safety and security, not giving out any important information for a first meet, using an anonymous email account, etc. Good for you. Most guys will be understanding of these measures (and it seemed like he was very open to accommodating you), but the two of you just didn't click.

Keep doing what you are doing, it will stop being so nerve-wracking after a while.
 
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sdlp79 is offline sdlp79 Post #10  September 6,2009, 8:59pm
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BikerBeagle wrote :
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you probably won't hear from this guy again ...his "emergency" is a little red wavy flag to me.

You did everything right, though ...thought about your safety and security, not giving out any important information for a first meet, using an anonymous email account, etc. Good for you. Most guys will be understanding of these measures (and it seemed like he was very open to accommodating you), but the two of you just didn't click.

Keep doing what you are doing, it will stop being so nerve-wracking after a while.
If I never hear from him again, not a problem. I didn't notice any chemistry. If we met up again, I'd definitely be hoping to build a good friendship with him and nothing past that. If his emergency was a lie, he had a good one. I'll have to remember that trick for future dates I don't click with.

Still seems strange that he wanted to change restaurants just because I said I preferred to drive myself though.

Thank you everyone for all the advice.
 
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