LoveSong is offline LoveSong Post #1  September 1,2009, 8:17pm
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Okay, I am relatively new to eHarmony. I have been here for a couple months. I got matched with a guy on Eharmony who lives long distance. He gave me his phone number after about a week in OC. I have been really nervous about calling him, since the whole online dating thing is still awkward for me. Everytime I go to pick up the phone to call, I get nervous and chicken out. Finally, I called and it was sooo awkward and not enjoyable at all. There were tons of long silences/pauses. It was an uptight conversation and I wish I never even got involved with the whole thing. I felt like I had to force questions just to make conversation. It felt more like an interview than anything else. Has anyone else had a similiar experience? This was my first phone call from an online match. I know some will just say "who cares", but it was a bad experience and I just have to vent. Any advice, please share.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Renee is offline eH_Advice_Host_Renee Post #2  September 2,2009, 5:22pm

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Dear LoveSong,

I'm sorry to hear that your call didn't go well, and I am glad that you have reached out for support and advice.

Though your match felt comfortable giving you his phone number after a week of communicating in Open Communication (OC), the most important thing is that you didn't feel comfortable at the point calling him. While most members when calling a match for the 1st time will feel "nervous," there's "exited nervous" and then there's "uncomfortable nervous."

One of the Tips we provide members right before going into OC is to take things at their own pace. I hope that the two of you will have a chance for a 2nd conversation, if that is something you want, and that it goes more smoothly.

But whatever happens with this match, I ecourage you to listen to your inner voice in the future and, if you need to get to know a match better through OC before you are comfortable talking on the phone, let him know. Based on his response, you'll know if he still has potential to be the Right One for you. If he's understanding, he does; if he isn't...

The most important thing is that you do what's right for you; so you'll be "excited" about the next "1st call" with a match!

All the best,

-Renee
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melman is offline melman Post #3  September 2,2009, 6:06pm
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I have no trouble talking in person or on the phone with someone I know. I'm also pretty good in a first-date or introduction situation with someone I "sort of know" - through church or around town or a friend of a friend, that is.

But an eH match is a total stranger. No amount of OC messages and emails will change that basic fact. I simply do not "open up" to strangers. Phone calls are disasters and "dates" are only slightly better. As you note, they turn into interviews.

Does this sound like you? I think it's not uncommon.

What I chose to do about this problem, is to use the eH process with the goal of getting to an in-person meeting ASAP. And to regard the matches as simply new people to meet, and the in-person meetings as simply introductions. No prolonged OC or email. No "dates" - I try to meet my matches for a run or some activity that we have in common. If we enjoyed the activity enough to do a little interviewing later, then we start from the point of "sort of knowing" each other. The ice is broken.

This means that I don't allow long distance matches. I know myself well enough to know that wouldn't work for me anyway.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  September 2,2009, 6:28pm
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EH is better and worse than advertised!

We all see the ads and a lot of know people that married their first match, so we expect "MAGIC". Then the real world gets in the way!

As you went through Guided Communications and Open Communications, were there things that you really liked about this guy? What set him off from your other matches? (Could be "he answered my questions!")

I can say personally that the first conversation I have with a match that I am apprehensive at best and scared at worst. I accept this and try to see the conversation flow as best as possible. I know that there is likely to be nervousness on both sides.

Recently talked to a match... The first conversation was obviously a little nervous on both sides. I sent her a note in a day or two saying that I enjoyed it and excited to talk again. She replied similarly. The second conversation went really, really well! It was clear that at this point we were much more comfortable talking to each other.

End of rambling... If there's something that attracted you to this guy, why don't you try talking to him again?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  September 2,2009, 7:35pm
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melman wrote :
I have no trouble talking in person or on the phone with someone I know. I'm also pretty good in a first-date or introduction situation with someone I "sort of know" - through church or around town or a friend of a friend, that is.

But an eH match is a total stranger. No amount of OC messages and emails will change that basic fact. I simply do not "open up" to strangers. Phone calls are disasters and "dates" are only slightly better. As you note, they turn into interviews.

Does this sound like you? I think it's not uncommon.

What I chose to do about this problem, is to use the eH process with the goal of getting to an in-person meeting ASAP. And to regard the matches as simply new people to meet, and the in-person meetings as simply introductions. No prolonged OC or email. No "dates" - I try to meet my matches for a run or some activity that we have in common. If we enjoyed the activity enough to do a little interviewing later, then we start from the point of "sort of knowing" each other. The ice is broken.

This means that I don't allow long distance matches. I know myself well enough to know that wouldn't work for me anyway.
Weird.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  September 2,2009, 7:38pm
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DDjr wrote :
EH is better and worse than advertised!

We all see the ads and a lot of know people that married their first match, so we expect "MAGIC". Then the real world gets in the way!

As you went through Guided Communications and Open Communications, were there things that you really liked about this guy? What set him off from your other matches? (Could be "he answered my questions!")

I can say personally that the first conversation I have with a match that I am apprehensive at best and scared at worst. I accept this and try to see the conversation flow as best as possible. I know that there is likely to be nervousness on both sides.

Recently talked to a match... The first conversation was obviously a little nervous on both sides. I sent her a note in a day or two saying that I enjoyed it and excited to talk again. She replied similarly. The second conversation went really, really well! It was clear that at this point we were much more comfortable talking to each other.

End of rambling... If there's something that attracted you to this guy, why don't you try talking to him again?
I you view the whole situation as starting in the basement and that it will only go down from there then you won't have any reason for being nervous or scared.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  September 2,2009, 7:41pm
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First conversations with a total stranger are often strained and difficult, so here is some practical advice to make things easier. For me at least, rather than jumping into the get to know you questions, I figure that there is plenty of time to slowly get to know the person so I don't have to ask them all that much right off the bat.

Instead, I try to talk about other things. If they have a hobby I know about from e-mails, I'll ask about that. If something crazy happened during my day or recently, I'll start off by essentially telling him the story. Maybe it's something I saw or read in the news that was interesting - I'll tell him about that. What does that do? It creates a less pressured and more flowing conversation and as you drift off to other topics, you are getting to know a lot about each other, but it's not so much a question and answer interview. In fact it's pretty easy to think about some interesting things or topics or events ahead of time before you call so you actually have something to share.
 
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DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #8  September 2,2009, 8:20pm
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Well first of all I don't think it's very polite to call Melman or his way of doing things "weird." We all know his method is to get a face to face meeting ASAP. Now that's not how I personally want to do things, but there's no need to be judgmental, is there? :-)

I also don't think a defeatist attitude is helpful. It's okay to keep expectations realistic- a lot of matches won't work out-- but to just assume a phone call is going to be terrible can only be a self-fulfulling prophecy!

Being Irish, I have the gift of gab, and can pretty much talk to anyone anytime about anything.

Having said that, I think DancingFool and DDjr make good points. A good friend of mine got married to a guy she met on eH and my own daughter married a man she met on match. So as DDjr points out, we may have this expectation that this could "the one" and that makes us scared/nervous.

But I think DancingFool has a rather elegant solution. Instead of sounding like a drill sargeant: "Where do you work? What's your favorite restaurant? Whom did you vote for in the last election?"... that's no fun!-- instead, try something like "I read in your profile that you collect coins. What coin in your collection is your favorite? What coin is out there that you'd really like to get your hands on?" Or... "I saw the funniest thing on the news about a guy who robbed the fast food restaurant he worked for... he remembered to wear a nylon stocking over his face but he forgot he was still wearing his uniform and name tag!" See how easy that is?

If it's really hard for you, I'd suggest even writing down some of these topics so you don't completely blank out. Not writing every word and then reading it! That would be awful. I mean just jotting down... coin collection, stupid criminal story, his dog Ralph.... whatever.

Another thing that might be helpful is forcing yourself to strike up conversations with strangers. I got into a conversation with the gentleman behind me in the Safeway the other day about what kind of toothpaste we use! By the time I checked out, about 5 or 6 people in the line were in on the conversation!

And last, maybe consider taking a public speaking course at your local community college. That skill can translate into a greater ease in talking with strangers/people you don't know well.

Good luck! I hope this helped!! :-)
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #9  September 2,2009, 8:23pm
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I've kind of had a similiar problem. I'm a talker, born into a family of talkers where you practically have to jump up and down on the dining room table to be heard above the other voices. Being a talker, you have to have massive conversational skills, so, try to keep well informed on many topics so I can hold my own in any setting.

So, when I bump into men who can't hold up their end of the conversation, it's a dealbreaker. If a man is naturally shy, I try to pull him out of his shell some by initiating the conversations while trying not to make him feel like he's being put on the spot. Most times it works. But then the other times....the guy just sit there with no input It's frustrating, so I completely get where you're coming from.

It seems that the two of you just didn't click. Had there been some sort of spark, the conversation IMHO would have come naturally
 
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melman is offline melman Post #10  September 2,2009, 9:58pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Weird.
Care to elaborate, o gr8 one?

Especially since this is far from the first time I've made this comment.
Last edited by melman; September 2,2009 at 10:03pm.
 
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