My match is still married?


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JBob is offline JBob Post #1  August 11,2009, 5:07pm
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I've been dating a match I met on EH for a little over 2 years. She admitted right away that she was still "legally" married but separated. 2 years later the divorce process still hasn't started. Says she can't afford it. Was there a lie told when she signed up for EH in the first place? I thought members had to be legally divorced. Am I crazy for continuing this "thing"? I really don't feel like progressing any further and I think this situation is why. Comments?
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beentherehavetee is offline beentherehavetee Post #2  August 11,2009, 5:35pm
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I don't blame you for not wanting to progress any further. She's still a married woman.
 
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organizedmayhem is offline organizedmayhem Post #3  August 11,2009, 5:45pm
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Unless children or considerable assets are involved it shouldn't take 2 yrs to get a divorce. Regardless, she shouldn't even be on this site as a married person and no matter what the circumstances of her so-called separation, it is never a good idea to jump from one relationship directly into another one. They rarely ever work.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  August 11,2009, 5:47pm

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Hi JBob,

Sorry to hear that you find yourself in this confusing situation. I would have to agree with Beentherehavetee and Organizedmayhem. Actually, even those who are in some way estranged from their spouses, yet still legally married, are not allowed to use eHarmony. This is a violation of our Terms and Conditions of Service. You can find this in Section 1, paragraph 2: http://www.eharmony.com/about/terms#1

We would actually encourage you to report this match to our Match Concerns department by writing to matchconcerns@eharmony.com.

Wishing you the best,

~Kate
eHarmony Advice Host
 
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Understated is offline Understated Post #5  August 11,2009, 7:20pm
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is at home.

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I myself am still married. My wife of ten years has come out as a lesbian and we will be seperating then getting divorced later. The reasons for this are financial on her part and trying to help her get started on her new life by keeping her covered by insurance. I filled out the EH entry questionare to help me discover more about myself in preperation to begin dating again after we are no longer maried. When I saw at the end of this that only legaly divorced people can use the service for matches, that was ok by me. I have never cheated on my wife and still consider myself married. Till this is no longer true I will avoid "Dating" others. This is for personal reasons and because it would not be fair to start a relationship with someone when you are not available to further that relationship.
I am, however, learning a lot and hopefully helping others by participating in the message boards here.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #6  August 11,2009, 7:46pm
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I've known marriages to drag out for years and years, especially if there's a lot of martial property and the divorce is being contested. In fact, I know a marriage right now that is being fought out right now. He's working overseas living with another woman that he wants to marry, and his wife is refusing to sign the papers, because she wants a larger divorce settlement. They have been battling for over a year now, and there's no end in sight. I know another couple who it took four years to complete the process. In that case, there was a child involved. (A child in the since that he was their product but not a child in age.) However, they were legal guardians because their child was in an institution, because he has a severe mental disablility. The biggest issue they fought over was custody and visitation and who supports him since he was in an institution. That was a royal mess.
 
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JBob is offline JBob Post #7  August 12,2009, 6:00pm
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Divorce hasn't even been filed yet, no children or assets to speak of. My initial reaction was that a marriage is over when one or both parties wants to end the union, not when some judge signs some papers, but this is really starting to bug me. I'm ashamed to be dating a "married" woman, but the shame should not be on me. Thanks for your replies.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #8  August 12,2009, 6:25pm
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JBob wrote :
Divorce hasn't even been filed yet, no children or assets to speak of. My initial reaction was that a marriage is over when one or both parties wants to end the union, not when some judge signs some papers, but this is really starting to bug me. I'm ashamed to be dating a "married" woman, but the shame should not be on me. Thanks for your replies.
Legally speaking, it is of course when the papers are signed, no matter what is the emotional involvement or lack thereof of the couple. If she and her husband both want a divorce (and it's uncontested), it should not be prohibitively expensive or difficult to get one. However, one of them has to take the first step and apparently that has not happened.

You shouldn't feel ashamed (I don't think), but this is a tough lesson to learn.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #9  August 13,2009, 12:40am
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In most cases, I would agree that separated is not ideal. But you do have to look at it case by case, specifically why there is a delay in divorce proceedings and where the relationship stands now.

I know a couple who have been legally separated for 5 years, have not been sleeping in the same bed for over 6 years now. The man now lives with his new girlfriend of 3 years, the woman has been dating another man for just over one year. They lead completely separate lives and do not share a household, but there are a lot of complications in their divorce proceeding - mainly contested assets, etc, this has been going on for years and there is still no end in sight as it costs a lot of money to hire decent legal representation, and sometimes money runs out, so there is one delay after another.

I don't think it would be fair to expect neither of them to be in relationships for another 5 years this legal case could possibly drag out. They are both over 60. As long as their new partners are aware of the facts from the start - it is up to the two people involved to decide.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #10  August 13,2009, 4:33am
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
In most cases, I would agree that separated is not ideal. But you do have to look at it case by case, specifically why there is a delay in divorce proceedings and where the relationship stands now.

I know a couple who have been legally separated for 5 years, have not been sleeping in the same bed for over 6 years now. The man now lives with his new girlfriend of 3 years, the woman has been dating another man for just over one year. They lead completely separate lives and do not share a household, but there are a lot of complications in their divorce proceeding - mainly contested assets, etc, this has been going on for years and there is still no end in sight as it costs a lot of money to hire decent legal representation, and sometimes money runs out, so there is one delay after another.

I don't think it would be fair to expect neither of them to be in relationships for another 5 years this legal case could possibly drag out. They are both over 60. As long as their new partners are aware of the facts from the start - it is up to the two people involved to decide.
You know, so much of me just wants to agree with you. As I said previously, I, too have known divorces to get dragged out for a long time. But, if I was the outside partner, I would simply tell them to as they have have a BM or get off the pot. It's a form of holding on, whether, a way to hurt the other. There comes a point that you have to say, "enough" and move on. You might not get everything that you want, but you get complete freedom.
 
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