Down_To_Earth_Runner is offline Down_To_Earth_Runner Post #1  August 11,2009, 4:13pm
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Just wondering if this is a normal thing to encounter on EH. I am finding all too often that there will be matches who are "seeking someone to spend time with, enjoy life and try new things with, travel, hang out with, ....." but once you get to OC, phone calls, or even dating they have crazy life/work schedules and are too busy to send a simple message on OC, much less for dating or a relationship. I just keep asking myself "Why are these people on a dating sight looking for a relationship if they don't even have enough time in a week for themselves?"fficeffice" />

I have had a fair share of women who may work 2 jobs, or have these crazy schedules, and can't take a a few minutes out of their schedules to respond to a message or e-mail, fit a date in, etc. Some of them will initiate the GC and fly through the questions, say how happy they are to be communicating, and then I won't hear from them in 3 weeks. I'll close them figuring that they lost interest or found someone else, and then they send me a final message asking to reconsider. If I do, we may have a couple of messages then they disappear again. Is this common?

I was dating one woman who worked 2 jobs and had something scheduled every night of the week when she wasn't working. I literally had to schedule an appointment with her 2 weeks in advance just to get a date, as if I was scheduling a doctor's appointment! Closed!! Another match that started GC with me and actually stated in one part of her profile that she is seeking someone to spend her free time with but then in another part that "her job is very demanding and requires her to travel 100% of the time, so she is often away!" And you're looking for a relationship why? Still another women told me she worked 90 hours a week and that she really couldn't meet for a couple of weeks. One day I get a text on a whim stating that if I meet her in a half hour from that time that we could meet. I couldn't, so she sent me a text saying that this wouldn't work out because she values what little time she has and obviously I didn't!!! LOL! I couldn't close her fast enough.

Hey, I work 2 jobs and know what it's like, but I also find a way to make the time work for me. I will stay up later and do some work if need be. If I have a crazy week I will at least send a short message or phone my match telling them that I may not be around that week. And I certainly will make time for a date. That's the whole reason why I joined!

Now they aren't ALL like this, as I have had matches that have gone the distance but may not have not worked out due to chemistry issues. But I am just amazed at the high level of busybodies who are looking for a relationship but don't even have the time in their daily routines for themselves. Only fooling themselves f you ask me. Has anyone else experienced this on a steady basis?
 
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melman is offline melman Post #2  August 11,2009, 4:57pm
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I've seen plenty of this.

I think some people are "in love" with the idea of being in a relationship. And eH can be a sort of "virtual world" in that respect. (Just like message boards can sort of replace real conversation, I guess.) But they sometimes draw the line when it comes time to step out from behind the computer.

1. Some people don't really have any intention of actually meeting anyone. eH is like a video game.

2. Some are petrified at the thought of getting into an actual relationship. I met some matches who really seemed terrified of the possibility. Some had baggage that explained their fear, but some didn't.

3. Some really are truly busy... truly unable to reorganize their life for dating. Again they may be using eH as a partial outlet, a way to claim to themselves that at least they are doing "something".
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  August 11,2009, 5:08pm
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I guess most of us have to work for a living. Juggling between work and social life can certainly get a little crazy at times, but not finding the right balance between the two can lead to more serious kind of "crazy" in the long term. Most people know that, even though sometimes we conveniently forget this important piece of knowledge .

I'm generally a busy person, more so during certain times of the year than others. But I always make at least some time for the important people in my life and for a guy I like, even during the busiest times, if at all possible. Then I concentrate on them more during the not-so-busy times at work.

The fact that the women you mentioned are paying to be on a dating site, and are communicating with you, tells me that it is possible for them to make at least some time for a guy they like. So, those that "close" you or consistently give you lack of time as their reason for not meeting or breaking arrangements, are simply "not that into you" (sorry to use this cliche), I'm afraid. I've done that plenty of times myself when I wasn't all that interested in a guy, so I know something about this.

Concentrate on the ones that ARE into you and just let the other ones go find whoever and whatever it is that they are looking for in life. Good Luck!
 
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Down_To_Earth_Runner is offline Down_To_Earth_Runner Post #4  August 11,2009, 6:47pm
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
I guess most of us have to work for a living. Juggling between work and social life can certainly get a little crazy at times, but not finding the right balance between the two can lead to more serious kind of "crazy" in the long term. Most people know that, even though sometimes we conveniently forget this important piece of knowledge .

I'm generally a busy person, more so during certain times of the year than others. But I always make at least some time for the important people in my life and for a guy I like, even during the busiest times, if at all possible. Then I concentrate on them more during the not-so-busy times at work.

The fact that the women you mentioned are paying to be on a dating site, and are communicating with you, tells me that it is possible for them to make at least some time for a guy they like. So, those that "close" you or consistently give you lack of time as their reason for not meeting or breaking arrangements, are simply "not that into you" (sorry to use this cliche), I'm afraid. I've done that plenty of times myself when I wasn't all that interested in a guy, so I know something about this.

Concentrate on the ones that ARE into you and just let the other ones go find whoever and whatever it is that they are looking for in life. Good Luck!
Thanks for your input.

I understand and know when someone who is not interested in me and may not want to hurt my feelings, will use the "Too busy/too much happening right now" excuse. They are fairly easy to spot as that "chemistry" will begin to fade or was non-existent to begin with. These are easily closed, and I have no hard feelings if they take the initiative and closed me. No loss.

I am talking about those where we have a great rapport, will continuously tell me that I am interesting (Great listener,easy to talk to, love my eyes, etc.) then will either stop communicating and/or state that they are too busy. Then if I close them or tell them that I don't see things working out due to our schedules, they ask me to reconsider. Why would someone who is "simply not that into me" and is making up excuses to avoid me, ask me to reconsider or to be re-opened?

My point was simply just that it is amazing how there can be so many people who think that joining EH (or any dating site) will automatically hook them up with a perfect match without any effort on there part. That their work load will automatically disappear or that they will find a robot that will turn on when they have the time and turn off when they don't. They expect their matches to just hang around while they do there thing without any contact during that time. Fall off the face of the earth, never communicate or repond for an extended period of time, then come back as if nothing happened. Then they are shocked that you would move on.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #5  August 11,2009, 7:27pm
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I guess people don't always know exactly what they want. Sometimes, when we are taken by surprise, especially if we've never encountered something or someone similar before, we recoil out of fear of the unknown. When you "close" them, they probably realize that they didn't really want to give up on you or your connection - maybe they just needed some extra time to think and adjust. Some people can adapt quickly, others take more time. It largely depends on personality and experience dealing with different people.

Personally, I deal with people all the time - all different personalities, some in real life, some online, mostly both. So I adapt to new people and new communication environments rather quickly. Other people need more time. I usually allow them some time to adjust before I close the book on them, even more so when I feel a really good rapport - it does not happen very often in my life, regardless of the number of people I encounter through work and social committments.

I would not allow indefinite periods of time go by though, not while on a dating site, where you pay to meet people with a prospect of forming a relationship in the future. But I would not be too quick to jump to "close" conclusions either. Sometimes removing extra pressures associated with the online dating environment of having to form "instant relationships", and taking some extra time instead, can actually work out much better in real life. Each person and each connection is different, so there is no "panacea" kind of advice that would fit one and all. And personally, I like breaking all kinds of ridiculous rules that are imposed on me by others, just adds another element of spice to it all .

So, next time you feel something out of the realm of "common" or "ordinary", I would suggest you trust your gut instinct, don't over-analyze, just go with the flow and see how it unfolds. Good Luck!
 
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Tank is online now Tank Post #6  August 11,2009, 8:31pm
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Online Dating Services caters to the workaholic. Even in the Eharmony commecial the woman says she owns her own business and did not have time to date men so she let Eharmony do the work for her. So yes getting match with workaholics who claim they will make time in their life for a relationship but don't happens very often.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #7  August 11,2009, 9:31pm
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Tank wrote :
Online Dating Services caters to the workaholic. Even in the Eharmony commecial the woman says she owns her own business and did not have time to date men so she let Eharmony do the work for her. So yes getting match with workaholics who claim they will make time in their life for a relationship but don't happens very often.
Well, someone here once told me that we don't really need it to happen very often - we only really need 1 good, decent and highly compatible person to recognize the potential, don't we?
 
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Teacherman25 is offline Teacherman25 Post #8  August 11,2009, 9:52pm
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I personally believe that we all need to stop making excuses for people. I know everyone is different, and has different schedules. But, if you are serious about dating, you make time...how hard is it to get online at least every other day and check your eharmony page and write a little message to let the person know you are still alive and SINGLE..... It's not hard at all!

I work as a full time teacher....get off at 3 teach two piano lessons until 4 and then do marching band from 4 until 6. I also own a video business and spend at least 4 nights a week editing and will often have at least two weddings a month (taking up Saturdays) I also play in a band (gig on friday and saturdays..some Sundays) and practice EVERY wednesday from 6:30 until 11:30 at night.

Okay...I love my jobs...I love my schedule and am very happy. My point is this....The above schedule aint exactly opened up for a bunch of free time. But, if I like someone, I MAKE time for them. I have NEVER had a match wait longer than a day or two for a response from me. And when we plan our first dates, there is never longer than a week to choose from....meaning given any 7 day span, I always make time for SOMETHING.

Back to the OP. if you read what I wrote above, you will see what I mean. People are never too BUSY to find love...maybe just too SCARED or just plain not interested in you. I have realized that. If they don't keep a desire to talk to me throughout GC and OC, then I close them. Why would I want to meet someone who isn't excited about seeing me too???

Imagine this for a sec.... Doesn't it feel good to get a message from someone on Eharmony...of course it does...so we check our box often to see who has sent us something. If these women aren't doing the same thing....do you really want to take it any farther.....maybe they are just "play dating" online...at the expense of your feelings..

sorry for rambling so much!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #9  August 11,2009, 10:19pm
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Teacherman25 wrote :
maybe they are just "play dating" online...at the expense of your feelings..
Maybe. Or maybe not.
But if you "close" them all and throw away the key, the how will you ever find out which ones were simply not interested and which ones were a little scared? Give it a decent chance.

I'm not saying continue fighting a losing battle. But if you look close enough, there are usually signs along the way. It may take some time and patience, but if the really good connection and rapport is there, I would not give up so easily.

It may be different for you, but I don't come across people who make me sit up and take notice very often. So, that's my preferred approach, simply because I'll always be wondering "what if" if I don't give it my best shot. And I really don't like feeling any kind of regret for something, the outcome of which could be changed by my own actions (or lack thereof).

And you are more than welcome to ramble away! Is that what we are here for?
 
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trailviews is offline trailviews Post #10  August 12,2009, 4:05am
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The truth is that very few people find their spouse through online dating. Even if I put a lot of effort into e-communication, women often poof before or after the first date. I recently spent nearly two months actively communicating with a match only to have her decide she wasn't interested after we'd agreed to meet that weekend (and I'd made significant adjustments in my plans to meet her that weekend, rather than put meeting off another week).

You're asking me to prioritize an often prone to failure item which takes a significant time investment over items in my life that are known to function and I take great satisfaction from?

I'd much rather date someone who has a life, and we are both mutually interested in making time for each other, than someone who's just waiting around for their next e-mail.
 
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