Being asked if I am doing online dating/eHarmony for a long time/first time.


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peony23 is offline peony23 Post #1  August 6,2009, 4:11am
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I was asked the similar questions by several different matches after I went into Open Communication.

“Is this your first eH/online dating?
“Are you doing eH/online dating for a long time?”

One guy asked me in his second OC message.
Another guy asked me when I met him for coffee for the first time.

I find the questions to be too personal and uncomfortable to answer in the first few exchanges or meeting first time with the matches. I am doing eH for about eight months, but if I say that I am doing this for a long time, or I’ve been doing many online dating, it makes me feel like I am giving them the wrong answer.
I’d rather them spend some time with me and get to know me for real than find out my dating history in this kind of questions.

What are they trying to find out when they ask me these?
Is there any wrong or right way to answer?
Please advise.
 
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bclfgrd2 is offline bclfgrd2 Post #2  August 6,2009, 8:45am
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They might not realize it's a personal question. To them, it might be a way of breaking the ice, as it's a common-ground for the two of you. In fact, I never would have thought it to be so personal, but looking at it from your perspective, I completely see what you mean.

As for how to respond...that seems harder to say. My first response would be to tell them that it's a personal question for you, but there's no way of telling how they could take that. Ideally, they would respect and appreciate your feelings on it, but one can never tell. Otherwise, you could them a vague response, like "A little while".
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  August 6,2009, 8:53am
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I have had several matches ask this question of me also.

I just tell them how long I have been on eHarmony. That I have not had a great deal of luck, obviously. I have also tried other dating sites without any luck, also obviously.

What is much more detrimental to my success with a match than how long I have been on eHarmony is that I have never been married at my advanced age. Somewhere in Open Communication most of my matches will ask about family and children which will reveal this information.

As for a right or wrong way to answer the question of how long you have been on eHarmony. The wrong answer is to lie. If you answer truthfully and your match finds that to be a problem then they are certainly not the right person for you.

FYI I have been on eHarmony for over a year and a half and was on Match for a year and Yahoo! Personals for 6 months without success.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  August 6,2009, 8:57am
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bclfgrd2 wrote :
They might not realize it's a personal question. To them, it might be a way of breaking the ice, as it's a common-ground for the two of you. In fact, I never would have thought it to be so personal, but looking at it from your perspective, I completely see what you mean.

As for how to respond...that seems harder to say. My first response would be to tell them that it's a personal question for you, but there's no way of telling how they could take that. Ideally, they would respect and appreciate your feelings on it, but one can never tell. Otherwise, you could them a vague response, like "A little while".
I always viewed it as a common ground question and not as a question to delve into my dating history. However, maybe the people asking this question do have a reason for asking and maybe there is a right and wrong answer. When ask this question I always ask my match what their experience with eHarmony has been.
 
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Tank is online now Tank Post #5  August 6,2009, 10:57am
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I always select this question in Guided Comm. because I want to know if they are experienced in online dating so I know how to react to her behavior. Online dating is very different than "real" dating.
 
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bclfgrd2 is offline bclfgrd2 Post #6  August 6,2009, 11:21am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I always viewed it as a common ground question and not as a question to delve into my dating history. However, maybe the people asking this question do have a reason for asking and maybe there is a right and wrong answer.
Yes, I understand and addressed that. There could very well be people who ask this question as a way of learning something...but like I said, others might use it as a question just to break the ice.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  August 6,2009, 11:53am
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I don't really see anything too personal about this question at all. As others have already said, it's just trying to find some common ground and breaking the ice - sharing a common experience.

If you are so uncomfortable talking about it, you can always say something vague and change the topic. I doubt people really have some kind of ulterior motives about learning about your dating history - let's face it - it's an easy question to ask point blank.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #8  August 6,2009, 11:59am
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I've asked matches this before, figuring it's a common-ground kind of question. I never thought of it as a particularly personal question, so you've given me something to think about. Thanks!
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  August 6,2009, 12:22pm
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If I were to ask this question of a man, it would be to learn the ropes (since I'm new) and I believe most men would put forth the question because he's searching for something in common to get the conversation going. I'd cut them some slack.

But since you're uncomfortable with it, you could try a little humor.
"It's been too long!"

You don't want to seem defensive, which is what I gather from your OP. They're not really making insinuations that you've been so long on eHA and can't get a date.
 
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peony23 is offline peony23 Post #10  August 6,2009, 12:38pm
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Thank you all for your insights!!
I may have been thinking too much.
Now I feel more comfortable answering the questions.
 
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