Weight Issue - Match is overweight


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CaymanGirl is offline CaymanGirl Post #1  July 22,2009, 8:20am
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I know that I am not attracted to very overweight people, I put being overweight as one of my Cant Stands.I would likely close the match straight away if I saw from the photo that he he quite overweight.
Thing is, most of us in society are a little overweight and not fit. What is considered to be 'normal' in society is still on the heavy side. Do you agree?
I am body and health and fitness conscious, its part of my lifestyle and my make up to be that way. I'm not perfect, my body isnt perfect but I do work at it to keep slim and fit and healthy.
I am attracted to lean and athletic body types, I cant help it!
I am in open communication with a match who seems like a great guy but whose body type isnt my ideal. I feel bad about it actually, I wish my ideal wasnt outside of the norm but it is. I wonder if my match and I met, might I like him but not be physically attracted. He told me his weight and I calculated his BMI and it is overweight.He told me that he isnt lean but that he is fit and active and because he seems like a good guy I am keeping my interest.
I probably will get no sympathy and get called shallow, I would like to hear feedback about weight issues with matches that you experience.
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #2  July 22,2009, 8:41am
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Why not meet up for coffee and see? I feel similar but could see myself attracted to someone if they were in good shape but maybe a bit overweight. Also different people carry their weight differently.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #3  July 22,2009, 8:48am
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There is nothing wrong with having "overweight" as one of your can't stands. I don't think it's any better or worse than any other Can't Stand. Bottom line is that you want to be attracted to your partner. That's reasonable, so long as you maintain your fitness/diet standards to avoid hypocrisy.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  July 22,2009, 9:17am
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If what you are willing to accept in a partner (no matter how terrific he is otherwise) is as narrowly defined as you've described, then you should probably be up front about that and not lead others on. If you are willing to push your limits a bit, then meet your match and see how you respond to him in person.

One thing to keep in mind is that "ideal" is rarely what we get in real life. And, the person who seems "ideal" at one point will inevitably fall off that pedestal eventually -- whether it's by gaining a few pounds or becoming depressed or not treating you well or losing his job or whatever....

It does seem a bit much to me to go so far as to calculate your matches' BMI (which is, as you probably know, an imperfect measure of health or fitness).
 
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CharlotteW is offline CharlotteW Post #5  July 22,2009, 9:28am
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So I myself am overweight. On the other hand, I'm active and (by doctors' accounts) healthy. The weight thing runs in my family and it literally is a constant challenge. I found a match off of eHarmony (more on that in a minute) and the guy is a rugby player. He's taller and stronger than I am, but being with him totally motivates me to keep going to the gym. The other thing I really appreciate about him is that he's not -afraid- of me being strong or active. He gets psyched about how much I've run or how much I've lifted, and he tells me so.

I tend to attract the 'skinny intellectuals' who want a 'voluptuous strong woman' to take care of them. I finally decided that was sick of being "Mom" and "Sexpot." I also realized that I was tired of dating people who found my weight and activity level "frightening."

I think it's okay to say you don't want to date folks who are overweight. I also think it's okay to say you don't want to date folks who have no interest in / skill at sex. My single biggest complaint about eHarmony is that this element of my life has been completely ignored in my matches. Dude. I was serious. I'm good in bed, and if you're not, I don't want to talk to you. Overweight or no. (Sorry, rant...I am totally seething about this issue right now.)
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #6  July 22,2009, 9:29am
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Meet him relatively quickly for a coffee.

You can tell within two minutes if it's not going to work out for lack of physical attraction. I've been on both sides of that, it kinda sucks but it's better than any other alternative in this situation.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  July 22,2009, 10:01am
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I would meet him. You've got nothing to lose but a little bit of your time. And you might be pleasantly surprised!

Just know that he might be having his own doubts about you, asking his weight and calculating his BMI!
 
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mamachick is offline mamachick Post #8  July 22,2009, 10:36am
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I'm a lot older than you, and have learned thru my life that some of the most wonderful people are not the most beautiful people...however, I do realize that weight is a turnoff for some...I find myself looking at the photos of men my age...early 60's...and am also judgmental about facial hair...beards, esp. and the lack of a smile in the photo. My best advice is to get to know Mr. whoever and his thoughts and feelings, and be less worried about appearance...but if it is truly a turn off for you...be honest with him and yourself, and don't lead him on! If you discuss your passion for physical fitness, working out, etc. he might get the hint and become more svelte himself, but you have to decide to be true to yourself first...what he does is his choice...your choice is optimum at this point! After being married for most of my life...you really don't change them much after you catch them! LOL and blessings to you.
 
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JDavid is offline JDavid Post #9  July 22,2009, 10:37am
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Height and weight alone do NOT provide sound indication of body composition. Many athletes and body builders are "obese" by BMI standards (using height / weight charts) but test very low body fat with hydrostatic measure (standard of the industry) or with calipers.

I am not saying that the man in question is or is not fit or "just not tall enough for his weight". But it might be wise to check in person if that is not evident from a photo.
 
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CaymanGirl is offline CaymanGirl Post #10  July 22,2009, 10:43am
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To respond to the ! Its in my 'Cant Haves', so he told me his weight in an email in response to my Cant Haves. I didnt ask him his weight. I didnt understand what the number of pounds he told me means or looks like on a man of his height, I have no idea what men weigh! Now that I found the BMI tool online and put in his figures, I'm still not convinced of the result. What does 'overweight' mean? He could be 'solid' and a big frame like a football player. He told me he isnt lean but that he is fit and active and he is a nice guy and that is good enough for me until we meet and I can see if there is chemistry and attraction there mutually. I realise I may not be his cup of tea either.
 
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