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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #1  July 18,2009, 7:50am
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Vent:

I am new to eharmony and even newer to the advice boards. I joined the boards because I thought most people were serious in their questions and wanted advice, which I thought I could compassionately give and would expect similar in return. I do find many threads started to be full of heartfelt emotion, in search of intelligent, meaningful advice.

Apparently, when I posted recently in Dating to ask what men's opinions were of dating women losing their hair, I received less than that and am somewhat put out by the callous remarks made on an issue that is very personal to me many other women. I have noticed this on other threads and can only wonder how these flip answers affect the decisions and possible lives of others.

I don't see why people reply to threads if they cannot address the question with respect to the OP. There are plenty of other places and a multitude of discussion boards eharmony graciously offers that are "fun" and "enjoyable," however, there are people who want to talk about their relationship issues, disabilities, weight, hair loss, interpersonal skills or lack of, and simply dating communication and etiquette, and IMO those should be responded to intelligently and with some sensitivity.

Vent over.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  July 18,2009, 8:12am
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A lot of the folks who have been around here for a bit are cynical of new people with empty profiles. Some of their posts are just ridiculous and are treated as such. With no profile information some of them seem like they're still in grade school and have no social skills. Your earlier post I read wasn't too bad, but if you fill out your profile you will probably be taken more seriously.
 
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pussinboots is offline pussinboots Post #3  July 18,2009, 8:28am
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There are all kinds of people here, of course. Some want to joke most if not just about all the time. Others will give you thoughtful answers. [I know I try to.] It also happens that people give answers to what is not even being asked - either they didn't read the post right or the poster wasn't clear. [And sometimes you will get hardly any responses.] Also, you have to get used to people going back and forth talking about something different altogether in the middle of a thread. Try not to take it personally and not to get frustrated.

The bottom line is that you are not going to control what people write, so don't get upset by what you have no control over.

And maybe get some friends here, after you fill out your profile.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #4  July 18,2009, 8:36am
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I went to the post you started so could see what you mean. Having a profile filled out and perhaps wording your question a little differently might have helped. I'm guessing that you have the hair loss condition yourself so wanted feedback. If you put a more personal perspective on it, you would probably receive more sensitive and pertinent responses. Having said that, the answers were flip and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

We have a group and a couple other places on eha where we can get our sillies out. I do think that the dating advice board should be read with care because, as you say, there are people genuinely coming from a place of pain who need support and advice.
Last edited by sabete2002; July 18,2009 at 8:38am.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #5  July 18,2009, 8:50am

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I'm sorry you felt some people were unkind to you. I had a similar experience. There are some great people here, though. And not all the one's that were a bit cold are always that way. It's hard entering a new social circle not knowing there are some cliques ;(
 
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Zev is offline Zev Post #6  July 18,2009, 9:26am
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tweet37 wrote :
A lot of the folks who have been around here for a bit are cynical of new people with empty profiles.... With no profile information some of them seem like they're still in grade school and have no social skills.
That seems a very bizarre statement to make. Why is someone who list their favourite books in their profile to be taken more seriously than someone who just posts a question?

Someone who's been here forever and has painstakingly poured their life history into their profile is just as likely to post a simple-minded question/statement than a newcomer. In fact, I've seen a few.

Some new members here may very well have more real-world experience and years on them than current members who've posted hundreds of times. A display of their pet iguana in their gallery doesn't make their posts more relevant.

Not everyone is planning to make this place their new home away from home and so they may not fill out their profiles until later, or not at all.
I don't even bother looking at profiles most of the time. I'm here for the posts. I have yet to see one that I thought was less relevant just because the writer is new here. If anything, I find the newbies more considerate of others.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  July 18,2009, 9:57am
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tweet37 wrote :
A lot of the folks who have been around here for a bit are cynical of new people with empty profiles. Some of their posts are just ridiculous and are treated as such. With no profile information some of them seem like they're still in grade school and have no social skills. Your earlier post I read wasn't too bad, but if you fill out your profile you will probably be taken more seriously.
Zev wrote :
That seems a very bizarre statement to make. Why is someone who list their favourite books in their profile to be taken more seriously than someone who just posts a question?

Someone who's been here forever and has painstakingly poured their life history into their profile is just as likely to post a simple-minded question/statement than a newcomer. In fact, I've seen a few.

Some new members here may very well have more real-world experience and years on them than current members who've posted hundreds of times. A display of their pet iguana in their gallery doesn't make their posts more relevant.

Not everyone is planning to make this place their new home away from home and so they may not fill out their profiles until later, or not at all.
I don't even bother looking at profiles most of the time. I'm here for the posts. I have yet to see one that I thought was less relevant just because the writer is new here. If anything, I find the newbies more considerate of others.
Tweet is quite correct. It is not what is in someones profile but the fact that it is not blank. Having taken some time to actually indicate something about yourself is an indication that you have an interest in joining the community here. Many people have a completely blank profile, no avatar, zero information about themselves. They will post a question where an intelligent answer requires knowing if they are male or female, age, location or some other sort of information, none of which is provided. Therefore one is inclined to take the view that they are just another mystery non-person.

As to the OP's other thread there really was no indication in her post that she would be the one facing the hair problem. Empty profile, ambiguous question, limited number of posts > just might be a non-person who just likes to posts on the internet and has just found these forums.

You too are a relative newcomer here. Hang around for a year or two and you will have the same attitude.
 
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Zev is offline Zev Post #8  July 18,2009, 10:16am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Having taken some time to actually indicate something about yourself is an indication that you have an interest in joining the community here...

You too are a relative newcomer here. Hang around for a year or two and you will have the same attitude.
I joined eH in 06 and, having been away because I was in a relationship, have just returned.

Not everyone is here to join the community or just to be social, although that is of course a nice thing. Sometimes people just have a question or two, or are interested in what others have to say in a sort of lurker mode. This is a service provided by eH, not the members.

If you are above helping beginners, then it isn't necessary for you to reply or make them feel badly with some glib comment. Hopefully someone more interested in the question will decide to reply in a more helpful manner.

It's an interesting phenomenon on many forums that the "older" members tend to take ownership and run roughshod over the new people. Sad, but true.
I can say, fortunately, that I've been on some other forums for "a year or two" without falling victim to the attitude that you feel is in store for me here.

We were all new once.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #9  July 18,2009, 10:49am
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Zev wrote :
I joined eH in 06 and, having been away because I was in a relationship, have just returned.

Not everyone is here to join the community or just to be social, although that is of course a nice thing. Sometimes people just have a question or two, or are interested in what others have to say in a sort of lurker mode. This is a service provided by eH, not the members.

If you are above helping beginners, then it isn't necessary for you to reply or make them feel badly with some glib comment. Hopefully someone more interested in the question will decide to reply in a more helpful manner.

It's an interesting phenomenon on many forums that the "older" members tend to take ownership and run roughshod over the new people. Sad, but true.
I can say, fortunately, that I've been on some other forums for "a year or two" without falling victim to the attitude that you feel is in store for me here.

We were all new once.
Ahhhhh..you have been away for awhile I see.

May I offer my perspective on this sensitive topic?:

IMVHO, it is not just that the 'oldheads' are less kind or more cynical. It's just that we've had a rash of scammers (who never have a completed profile,,,not even gender posted) on the boards in the past year..not to mention 'trolls' (see the community link..this word is no longer allowed but I am using it for clarification) who went around on the boards causing havoc wherever they posted. They weren't really here for advice..just seemed to be on the boards to cause mayhem and discord..lots of banning in the past year (and rightfuly so!)

The EHA moderators (Lori & Renee), and the Community Leaders are trying very hard to keep these things from happening once again..and thusfar they are doing an excellent job. The boards have calmed down a lot in the past few months due to their vigilance.

So, if it seems some of us are cruel or uncaring it's not true, We've just had a rough time of it in the past year and may be a bit 'gun-shy' and wary at times. It is sometimes easier to respond to posts if we at least know the gender of a poster, and with a completed profile sometimes posts are taken more seriously.

Not making excuses..it is what it is.

BTW: I am one to post as I see fit...sometimes in a joking way, sometimes in a thoughtful manner...depends on my mood. Usually, if I see that the OP is sincere and the issue is not totally ridiculous (imo, of course!), I take the time and effort to write a thoughtful reponse.

Please don't stone me!

(...and it is not always the oldheads that seem insensitive...we've had a rash of newbies that can out-do an oldhead anyday in the 'cynicism' and 'feeling snarky' dept.!)...lol
Last edited by legend29; July 18,2009 at 10:57am.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #10  July 18,2009, 10:57am
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Apparently profiles aren't read as often as you think because I had a profile, but deleted it after I posted this. I have read profiles and some seem to be an advertisement of arrogance and self-importance, while others seem genuine. If I don't divulge personal information until I'm comfortable with people in reality, why would I do it here? The lack of a profile shouldn't reflect a person's worth or be used as judgment on the validity or seriousness of a posted question.

There are many people here who pose questions that are not about themselves. Why does each have to be personal? There are thousands of questions on this board; some of you have posted thousands of times - does that mean you are more qualified? I have read many intelligent responses as well as some shallow ones from posters with a few thousand posts and not much worth reading in their profiles. I also come here for the posts. I also have been a member of a few other forums for years and have not run into the lack of compassion presented by some on this forum.

In commercials, eharmony presents itself as a higher quality dating service - an experience - and probably provides these forums as an additional avenue to get involved, share ideas, and encourage each other through dating ups and downs. I would think certain people would respect that and carry the philosophy through their posts.



--- FWIW, to meet you halfway I have updated my profile.
Last edited by OverAnalyzer; July 18,2009 at 11:33am. Reason: giving a little...
 
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