GR8lakes is offline GR8lakes Post #1  July 2,2009, 8:11pm
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Advice needed:

Found a great guy I am very interested in. He seems interested, too. Neither of us has photos up.

Going back and forth with questions, profiles, etc, we seem a perfect match. I got his 'must haves/can't stands' tonight and he listed "can't stand anyone that's overweight".

Other than that, his list almost perfectly matches mine. But I am overweight (actively losing, but that's beside the point). I'm not that big, but CAN'T STAND seems emphatic.

Should I close the match now? Or continue? I don't want to build up his hopes (or mine) if this is hopeless from the start.

What would you do?
Thanks in advance
 
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JTF is offline JTF Post #2  July 2,2009, 9:01pm
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hmmm...well, first of all I would advise you to put photos up and perhaps request that he do the same. In my opinion, communicating with someone who doesn't have photos is like playing with fire.

Also, people have different definitions of what they consider to be overweight. You might consider yourself somewhat overweight, and he might disagree... or vice versa. Putting photos up (especially full body shots) helps take the guesswork out of it.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  July 2,2009, 9:43pm
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Yeah. The photos should do it. Good luck. I hope you both like each other...
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #4  July 2,2009, 9:53pm
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Yeah that blind dating type style makes that must have hard to know their definition. It really is best to have photos up from the start.

Overweight to one might be average or even too thin to another.

Since you're seeing a connection...ask for his definition and add some pictures. He and you both need to know if you find the other attractive regardless of the must have. Sometimes people find that the meaning matches or they overlook it.

Personally I close people with that "must have" as it comes across as a pretty harsh view that probably goes beyond those one dates. Also it usually includes other levels of inflexibility so just is too much drama for me.
 
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GR8lakes is offline GR8lakes Post #5  July 3,2009, 6:24am
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Thank you all for the advice. I closed the match after reading your advice and then some of the other threads on the matter or weight. I do think that when someone puts the weight issue as a 'can't stand' it shows an inflexibility and a tendency to objectify women. Let's face it, I want someone that I can grow old with, and I don't want the pressure of having to be 'perfect' all the time.

I will also put up some photos to avoid this problem in the future.

Good luck to all of you and thanks again!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  July 3,2009, 7:07am
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JTF wrote :
hmmm...well, first of all I would advise you to put photos up and perhaps request that he do the same. In my opinion, communicating with someone who doesn't have photos is like playing with fire.

Also, people have different definitions of what they consider to be overweight. You might consider yourself somewhat overweight, and he might disagree... or vice versa. Putting photos up (especially full body shots) helps take the guesswork out of it.
And so what is the worst that could happen. You waste a little bit of time communicating. Or you even get to the point of meeting and find that you are not attracted to them physically. Are you so shallow that you could not be pleasant and polite and enjoy the time together and then say that you don't think they are the one and wish them well.
 
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Rob_UK is offline Rob_UK Post #7  July 3,2009, 7:10am
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I have "can't stand foul language" as one of mine and one of my matches closed me because she used the occassional cuss word, happily she reinstigated the match and asked me how much leeway there was on the issue and I quite happily told her that I meant someone who uses foul language as a matter of course - I will EH would allow us to qualify some of these statements.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  July 3,2009, 7:13am
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GR8lakes wrote :
Advice needed:

Found a great guy I am very interested in. He seems interested, too. Neither of us has photos up.

Going back and forth with questions, profiles, etc, we seem a perfect match. I got his 'must haves/can't stands' tonight and he listed "can't stand anyone that's overweight".

Other than that, his list almost perfectly matches mine. But I am overweight (actively losing, but that's beside the point). I'm not that big, but CAN'T STAND seems emphatic.

Should I close the match now? Or continue? I don't want to build up his hopes (or mine) if this is hopeless from the start.

What would you do?
Thanks in advance
You should always progress to Open Communication where you can ask for what he means by what he has said and answered along the way. The Can't Stand says "Excessive Overweight...I can't stand someone who is overweight. " what you see as you being overweight may be not at all what he is considering overweight.
 
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GILKEY is offline GILKEY Post #9  July 3,2009, 7:16am
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GR8lakes wrote :
Thank you all for the advice. I closed the match after reading your advice and then some of the other threads on the matter or weight. I do think that when someone puts the weight issue as a 'can't stand' it shows an inflexibility and a tendency to objectify women. Let's face it, I want someone that I can grow old with, and I don't want the pressure of having to be 'perfect' all the time.

I will also put up some photos to avoid this problem in the future.

Good luck to all of you and thanks again!
When I was a member I posted a photo of myself standing between two Douglas Fir trees. I had been hiking in to see the largest known standing Coastal Redwood Tree. I was dishevled, sweaty, and obiously overweight. I'm sure I got "X-ed" out by many matches because of the PIC. That is what it was there for.
 
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JTF is offline JTF Post #10  July 3,2009, 2:35pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
And so what is the worst that could happen. You waste a little bit of time communicating. Or you even get to the point of meeting and find that you are not attracted to them physically.
You set yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings. Disappointment if someone looks nothing like you pictured and hoped, and hurt feelings if you don't look anything like they hoped. Neither things are the end of the world, but they should be thought about in advance.

Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Are you so shallow that you could not be pleasant and polite and enjoy the time together and then say that you don't think they are the one and wish them well.
Good grief man! Quit implying that people you know nothing about are shallow. I, personally, would have NO problem enjoying a nice time with someone even if I was not attracted to them in the slightest.
 
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