DIVISION is offline DIVISION Post #1  June 26,2009, 12:12pm

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One part of the E-Harmony profile conspicuously lacking is in the areas of sexual compatibility.

Sex is a large part of a relationship for most people, so much so that I feel it's something which must be discussed sooner rather than later.

Are you going to be happy with someone who can't fullfill you sexually?

I don't think so.

What if the person has different sexual tastes and prefences than you do?

What if you need more than they are willing/able to provide in terms of sexual needs?

Isn't this something that needs to be known in the beginning rather than later on in the relationship?

I don't know why E-Harmony has conveniently avoided this issue, but it's not self-serving or helpful for those who know what they want and need.

There's nothing worse than being compatible in every way except sexually, as the relationship won't last.

Some people end up cheating because of some emotional fracture in their relationship, but often, it simply comes down to their sexual needs not being met by a spouse.

Sometimes it's completely about sex.

Thoughts?
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  June 26,2009, 1:18pm
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For many reasons, I think it would be very difficult to assess this kind of compatability via a questionnaire (e.g., the lack of a validated measure, the reluctance to answer questions non-anonymously about such a private issue, concerns about how the data would be used, etc.). eHA has included a couple of questions in the "Must Have/Can't Stand" questionnaire, but I don't see them as getting more detailed than that in the standard process. You are, of course, free to broach some of these topics in open communication or with statements in your profile.
 
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DIVISION is offline DIVISION Post #3  June 26,2009, 1:36pm

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neardc wrote :
For many reasons, I think it would be very difficult to assess this kind of compatability via a questionnaire (e.g., the lack of a validated measure, the reluctance to answer questions non-anonymously about such a private issue, concerns about how the data would be used, etc.). eHA has included a couple of questions in the "Must Have/Can't Stand" questionnaire, but I don't see them as getting more detailed than that in the standard process. You are, of course, free to broach some of these topics in open communication or with statements in your profile.
I wasn't asking for a solution.

I was simply stating that it's a problm on E-Harmony.

If people aren't willing to be honest about sex, what are they really going to be honest about?

It's too large an issue to be avoided....
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #4  June 26,2009, 1:38pm
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But you did ask for thoughts, which is what neardc provided.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #5  June 26,2009, 1:48pm
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DIVISION wrote :
Are you going to be happy with someone who can't fullfill you sexually?
I don't disagree - but that's something that's discovered through experience - not by sitting around discussing it or filling out a survey. Sure, you can talk about preferences, desires, etc. all you want - but none of that actually determines whether you're compatible in the bedroom.

I'm no prude and I think it's a healthy part of relationships - but it's not something I'm going to talk about before I've even met a person. It's something you share over time -- that doesn't make you dishonest -- it's called building trust.

I'm much prefer to discover this through getting to know the person --rather than relying on a self-reported online survey or profile. It's just way too subjective ...
 
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DIVISION is offline DIVISION Post #6  June 26,2009, 1:55pm

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blrdancer wrote :
I don't disagree - but that's something that's discovered through experience - not by sitting around discussing it or filling out a survey. Sure, you can talk about preferences, desires, etc. all you want - but none of that actually determines whether you're compatible in the bedroom.

I'm no prude and I think it's a healthy part of relationships - but it's not something I'm going to talk about before I've even met a person. It's something you share over time -- that doesn't make you dishonest -- it's called building trust.

I'm much prefer to discover this through getting to know the person --rather than relying on a self-reported online survey or profile. It's just way too subjective ...
I think you're an undercover prude!

Sex is subjective obviously, yet I have specific tastes and fetishes that are important and some women can't provide what I need.

Is there a point to getting to know someone who will never work for me, then starting the process all over again with someone else?

It's comparable to initial attraction.

If I have a preference for creamy pale white women, am I really going to date a tanned blonde with blue eyes?

NO.

In the same way, why am I going to invest weeks, months in a relationship when they won't be able to provide for my sexual needs?
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #7  June 26,2009, 2:01pm
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DIVISION wrote :
I think you're an undercover prude!

Sex is subjective obviously, yet I have specific tastes and fetishes that are important and some women can't provide what I need.

Is there a point to getting to know someone who will never work for me, then starting the process all over again with someone else?

It's comparable to initial attraction.

If I have a preference for creamy pale white women, am I really going to date a tanned blonde with blue eyes?

NO.

In the same way, why am I going to invest weeks, months in a relationship when they won't be able to provide for my sexual needs?
Well, then feel free to ask away on a first date or in open communication with the women you meet. If you know that certain things are important to you, then you have every right to ask. I'm just saying I wouldn't want eHarmony to try and screen these things for me -- I would prefer to do it myself.

But don't be too surprised when most of the women you meet are only after "fun" -- if that's your leading topic for a first date. (referring back to your other thread)
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #8  June 26,2009, 2:09pm
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If you have a sexual fetish such that it is mandatory that your matches participate in it in order for you to have a satisfying sex life, feel free to state that up-front. Most matches will close you, but if it's that important for you to get this issue out of the way upfront, then it's a useful strategy to eliminate those you don't want to date anyway.

Why blame eHarmony for this, though, if there isn't a way for them to provide a solution? Take the system that exists and do what you need to do to make it work for you. Or, find another site that caters to your particular fetish(es) and see if you can find someone more compatible there.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  June 26,2009, 2:26pm

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Hi Division,

We include questions in the Guided Communication about sexuality in order to create awareness that yes – it is a key topic to discuss when considering a serious relationship. By broaching the topic in the earlier stages of communication, you are letting your match know what’s important to you and what you hope to talk about in Open Communication and beyond. For instance, you might bring it up in your Must Haves and Can’t Stands or in the Open-Ended Questions.

Because these matches are “virtual” strangers at first, they may, as Blrdancer said, feel defensive or protective with someone they don’t yet know if they are approached with specific questions too soon (for them). For some people, divulging personal and specific details could, in fact, create premature (false) intimacy.

If a match lacks the comfort you need to communicate about sexual compatibility, it may be that she isn’t an appropriate match for you. (Looks like Neardc already mentioned this). The right match for you, it sounds like, would feel very comfortable addressing sexual compatibility sooner rather than later, as well. In fact, she may also feel the need to explore sexual compatibility to see if pursuing a serious relationship could possibly work in the long run.

All this said, you may be interested in the research that eHarmony Labs has done in the area of sexual happiness in relationships: http://www.eharmony.com/labs/blog/ca.../articles/sex/

All the best,

~Kate
eHarmony Advice Host
 
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DIVISION is offline DIVISION Post #10  June 26,2009, 2:27pm

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neardc wrote :
If you have a sexual fetish such that it is mandatory that your matches participate in it in order for you to have a satisfying sex life, feel free to state that up-front. Most matches will close you, but if it's that important for you to get this issue out of the way upfront, then it's a useful strategy to eliminate those you don't want to date anyway.

Why blame eHarmony for this, though, if there isn't a way for them to provide a solution? Take the system that exists and do what you need to do to make it work for you. Or, find another site that caters to your particular fetish(es) and see if you can find someone more compatible there.
When did I ever say I would reveal that initially, especially over the internet?

If you read.........I said it's something I would bring up later on after I have a feel for a person.

After reading what I wrote, I simply don't understand how you could ever come to the conclusions you have.

That said, E-Harmony is sorely lacking in terms of providing any sexual compatibility for members.

Outside of looks, there's nothing to go on and that wastes ALOT of time.
 
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