CityChick is offline CityChick Post #1  June 18,2009, 11:24am
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i'm communicating with a few men - going through the process -open communication with two. but so far i feel very pressured to move on once the process gets you to open communication. And I'm feeling like there is so much more to learn. the reason i joined eharmony was the whole concept that i wouldn't necessarily be going on all those wasted dates just because you've had a conversation or two. I think maybe it is because the people on eharmony seem to be more focused on finding that special person than just dating. but i'm feeling overwhelmed. and i thought the recommendation from the site is work through the process with several people rather than limit oneself. Anybody feeling the same pressure? How do I handle it? I feel like if I tell a couple of these guys that I'm still talking to other guys they would be really insulted.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  June 18,2009, 12:01pm
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CityChick, go at the pace you feel comfortable with. No sense in making a decision because you feel pressured to do so. In theory if you are getting to OC with quality men, they will understand. I mean, if your avatar is really you then you are a very attractive woman...I would assume your "inbox" of potential matches is filled to the brim. And it wouldn't surprise me if it took a while to get to the off-site communication phase.

Given that you are relatively new to eHarmony, you may feel an obligation to give every match a chance. But as you become more experienced with the system you'll become better at spotting -- and closing -- matches you don't like. I think the end game is the same as any other site: To narrow the many down to the few. And again, go at a pace that works for you.

Best of luck.
 
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CityChick is offline CityChick Post #3  June 18,2009, 12:11pm
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tbesq wrote :
CityChick, go at the pace you feel comfortable with. No sense in making a decision because you feel pressured to do so. In theory if you are getting to OC with quality men, they will understand. I mean, if your avatar is really you then you are a very attractive woman...I would assume your "inbox" of potential matches is filled to the brim. And it wouldn't surprise me if it took a while to get to the off-site communication phase.

Given that you are relatively new to eHarmony, you may feel an obligation to give every match a chance. But as you become more experienced with the system you'll become better at spotting -- and closing -- matches you don't like. I think the end game is the same as any other site: To narrow the many down to the few. And again, go at a pace that works for you.

Best of luck.
thanks for the advice - that is my picture by the way. but i don't often receive communications - my brother says that the men might feel intimidated. but all over my profile I say that I am extremely friendly and open and i say that in the part they ask about what is most surprising.

i think i've been pretty good at closing out matches that don't work through the process - quite a few from must haves/can't stands (what's the point of sticking around then?). I also take advantage of the 2nd round questions. they actually provide room for fairly in depth questions and i put a lot of thought into them - the men have actually complimented me on my directness and thoroughness.

But I think you are right - there's one man in particular who wrote that he figured i wasn't that interested because i didn't write back for a couple of days. what??? i'm looking for someone with a life without me who just wants to share. i'll try telling him to slow down and see how he reacts.

Thanks a lot for the advice
 
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JTF is offline JTF Post #4  June 18,2009, 1:20pm
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CityChick wrote :
i think i've been pretty good at closing out matches that don't work through the process - quite a few from must haves/can't stands (what's the point of sticking around then?). I also take advantage of the 2nd round questions. they actually provide room for fairly in depth questions and i put a lot of thought into them - the men have actually complimented me on my directness and thoroughness.
I'm curious, about how long are your answers to the 2nd round questions and how long do you expect your match's answers to be? The reason I ask is that I am never sure exactly how much to write or how much to expect. There is quite a bit of space to answer the questions, and I am not sure if writing 3-4 sentences indicates a lack of interest.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #5  June 18,2009, 1:40pm
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It's interesting that you say this, because a friend of mine signed up for eHarmony 2 months ago, and just got into OC with a match today. He was asking me for a bit of advice, and I mentioned to him to take things slow, don't tell your life story, and give it 7 or so emails before you ask her for her number.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  June 18,2009, 1:55pm

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Hi Citychick,

I agree whole-heartedly with Tbesq that the right match for you will either match your timing or be willing to respect your timing. In fact, this is mentioned in section 1 of our Safety Tips (http://www.eharmony.com/safety/tips):

“Watch out for someone who…wants to speed up the pace beyond your comfort level.”

That said, there are people who are very serious about looking for the right person, but their natural method of communicating and getting to know someone is a little faster. Some people also feel more at ease in person than online. Many of these matches may still have great potential and would be willing to adapt their style for you. If you are seeing a pattern that your matches seem to go more quickly than you do, you might consider writing a brief statement on your About Me page regarding your pace. This gives them a heads-up to know what to expect in communicating with you. It might also help weed out any match who wouldn’t be able or willing to adjust.

Good luck with everything – it sounds like you’re doing really well!

~Kate
eHarmony Advice Host
 
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Mayne is offline Mayne Post #7  June 18,2009, 9:28pm
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CityChick wrote :
i'm communicating with a few men - going through the process -open communication with two. but so far i feel very pressured to move on once the process gets you to open communication. And I'm feeling like there is so much more to learn. the reason i joined eharmony was the whole concept that i wouldn't necessarily be going on all those wasted dates just because you've had a conversation or two. I think maybe it is because the people on eharmony seem to be more focused on finding that special person than just dating. but i'm feeling overwhelmed. and i thought the recommendation from the site is work through the process with several people rather than limit oneself. Anybody feeling the same pressure? How do I handle it? I feel like if I tell a couple of these guys that I'm still talking to other guys they would be really insulted.

Just curious.. are you looking for someone to date.. and if things work out, eventually get married to? Or are you looking for an e-mail pen pal?

Because if it is the former, it shouldn't take you very long to decide if you're up for meeting for coffee.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #8  June 19,2009, 3:27am
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Eveyone is different, so they'll set a different pace. I've got ADD so I'll tend to think waiting a couple of days just feels like forever. Someone else may think a couple of days is rushing things. The thing is, whomever wants to go slower wins. If a guy is unwilling to take things at a speed that is slow enough to keep you from feeling pressured, just say Thanks and move on.
 
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verylibra is offline verylibra Post #9  June 19,2009, 4:10am
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I state very clearly that I appreciate taking things slowly. The men who have wanted to rush the process beyond my comfort level have not worked out even though I believe I've given them an opportunity.

What I've found is that they are trying to impose their wishes on me rather than show me the respect I ask for. If that's the foundation of the relationship, then it's headed for disaster IMHO! I'm looking for mutual respect, give and take, a partnership. I've been owned and am NOT looking for new ownership. After my divorce, I got custody of me...LOL!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  June 19,2009, 4:55am
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I generally just answer the questions, elaborating a bit, depending. Some people may not be big on typing/writing. A dissertation is a turn-off, but so is a one word answer, so best bet?...somewhere in between
JTF wrote :
I'm curious, about how long are your answers to the 2nd round questions and how long do you expect your match's answers to be? The reason I ask is that I am never sure exactly how much to write or how much to expect. There is quite a bit of space to answer the questions, and I am not sure if writing 3-4 sentences indicates a lack of interest.
 
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