would you contact a match you closed?


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treeye is offline treeye Post #1  June 11,2009, 11:07am
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about a year ago, when i just broke up with my ex bf, i joined eharmony and was matched with a guy who's a very good match. we went out for lunch once and the chemistry is ok and he likes me. but i was not ready at the time( still healing) so i didn't give it more time.however i told him i don't like him that way( i basically require great chemistry first sight by then).so he closed me.

i've dated different guys over the one year but all didn't work out.i regret not going out with him more to get to know him,now i know, for me, chemistry can grow and he seemed really a good match. maybe he's already met someone, but should i contact him? is it too much a desperate move not worth it? thanks.
Last edited by treeye; June 11,2009 at 11:14am.
 
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Medievalgrrl is offline Medievalgrrl Post #2  June 11,2009, 12:09pm
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First, really look at why you pushed him away in the beginning. Was it only because you weren't ready, or was it more. Second, are you sure you are ready now and he is what you want to pursue. It is never fair to toy with another's emotions. If you are only focusing on him because you dated a series of less than desirables and are just lonely, then no, let the man live in peace. If you feel there was truly a spark there, but you just weren't in a good emotional place at the time then it can't hurt to contact him. He may have found someone else or he may still be available, he may even be thinking about you too. If you do contact him be prepared to be open and honest as to why you pushed him away before. Please do not do what so many of the guys in my past like to do when they get lonely and bored... call "just to see how I'm doing" and then basically have nothing else to say. Again, if you decide to call, be honest about why. It may not be easy, but it's the mature way to handle it. Good luck!
 
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gomez is offline gomez Post #3  November 12,2009, 10:20am
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I have before, and she was actually glad to hear from me. But she had met some one, and was about to get married.
 
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gomez is offline gomez Post #4  November 12,2009, 10:21am
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I have done that before, but she was about to get married!!
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #5  November 12,2009, 10:52am
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I vote no. It would be odd and if it didn't work then assume it was not meant to be. He probably has a new person in his life and would be confused. You can try it if you want, but pop ins are always confusing and should be avoided.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  November 12,2009, 11:03am

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treeye wrote :
about a year ago, when i just broke up with my ex bf, i joined eharmony and was matched with a guy who's a very good match. we went out for lunch once and the chemistry is ok and he likes me. but i was not ready at the time( still healing) so i didn't give it more time.however i told him i don't like him that way( i basically require great chemistry first sight by then).so he closed me.

i've dated different guys over the one year but all didn't work out.i regret not going out with him more to get to know him,now i know, for me, chemistry can grow and he seemed really a good match. maybe he's already met someone, but should i contact him? is it too much a desperate move not worth it? thanks.
I have to side with the guy on this one. You were not ready and were still healing from your previous relationship), but yet you gave him the 'great chemistry required by first sight' instead. There has been tremendous discussion about 'not taking it personally' when somebody closes you based on 'chemistry', but still...at least for me, if I were to be in his position, I would feel kinda discouraged. Being an analytical person that I am, I'd probably spend time thinking what could've caused the 'lack of chemistry' with the other person.

I am a forgiving person, if a match closed me out and say "I'm going through some stuff right now, sorry to have led you on..I need to work on myself first before entering a relationship" I would've handled it well and sincerely wish her luck. If say months later she dropped me a note and explain that she has done lots of thinking, and self improvement and wanted to catch up and have coffee, etc...I would've gladly accepted.

But not when a match closed me because "I don't like you that way" then a year later...contacted me..that would make me think.."What does she want? Now she does like me that way afterall?"

Had you been more truthful and said to him at that time "Sorry, I made a mistake. I'm not ready for a relationship" I would've probably be a bit more sympathetic to your situation. Sorry, I think telling him that it was lack of chemistry when it was actually more about your own issues, it's not fair to him.
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  November 12,2009, 11:04am

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I personally don’t see what you have to lose, Treeye. There are a lot of stories among the couples who found success through eHarmony about how one of them had at some point closed the other, put them on “hold” or “poofed”. Sometimes it’s not the right timing and sometimes it is. You don’t know until you test the waters.

If you feel that there was no chemistry at the time that you ended communication because your interests were currently occupied, why not mention this?

Good luck!

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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #8  November 12,2009, 12:11pm
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Give it a shot.

I had a match I'd gotten to OC and emails with in June. Closed her because I was pursuing another relationship and didn't feel right dating two people at that point.

The other relationshp ended in September so I emailed the match. Never did hear from her, but if I hadn't tried I'd still be wondering "what if?" to this day...
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  November 12,2009, 12:19pm
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"No Chemistry" can be a catch all. I would open the match, apologize, and be very straightforward telling him you were not at a good place a year ago. I'd take the initiative and invite him for coffee or lunch. If he responds, the interest level is there, but now it's on you to be honest with him. If upon meeting up there really is no chemistry, don't set up a second date.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  November 12,2009, 12:19pm
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I vote for giving it a shot. He can always say no if he is uninterested.
 
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