? to the guys: about closing, and communication style....is it just me?


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SMRTRTHNU is offline SMRTRTHNU Post #1  May 28,2009, 8:54am
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should be writing a ten page sociology paper....ugh

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Here are a few things I'd appreciate some thoughts on...

"I am pursuing another relationship"

Okay, this makes sense if you have been communicating for a while, but when you receive a new match and within an hour or a day you get closed out with this reason, it just drives me nuts. Why the heck are you receiving new matches if you are pursuing another relationship? Maybe not important, and just a peeve to me, but I don't get it.

Don't get me wrong, I like to keep a tight list of matches, and it's fine to get closed out. In fact, it's better than those who check out your profile, then never send questions OR close you out....I close out lots, because I feel it's better to be up front if I'm not interested.

Also, at the risk of sounding old fashioned.... Is it a bad thing for the woman to initiate the communication? This goes back to being checked out, then just left hanging for a couple of weeks..... I have no political problem with contacting a guy first, I just wonder if the guy would....and in a way, I like the guy to communicate first, but more for the reason that it lets me know that he is really interested...Or is that subjective? I mean, that's how I see it, but maybe guys don't see it that way....Are some guys WAITING to receive the first communication, or are they just waiting for something better to come along?

If the latter is the case, then I guess the "pursuing another relationship" reason makes sense!

I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, I'm genuinely wondering...

Thanks!
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #2  May 28,2009, 9:40am
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In answer to the first question, this is just another one of the generic closings. Maybe it's honestly true or maybe it just means "I've looked at your pictures and I've read your profile and I don't have any interest in communicating."

If you read other threads, you will see that people would like it the other side would close them out and not just leave them open with no communications.

As to your second question, there are probably guys that would somehow be put off by having the women initiate communications, but I think you'll find that in general the guys would just be thrilled to have someone try to communicate with them!
 
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Tank is offline Tank Post #3  May 28,2009, 11:17am
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It has not happened to me very often at all with well over a 1,200 matches under my belt but I loved it when a woman intiated communication. It happened maybe 4 times including icebreakers.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  May 28,2009, 11:30am
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At the end of my eH subscription after I met my current match, I closed out my account, turned off matching and closed matches that I was in communication with "I am pursuing another relationship". I don't know what other people do. Maybe they didn't like your hat and decided to pursue a relationship with someone else.

As far as women initiating communication, let me tell you what happened to me. I was overwhelmed with requests to communicate. Out of about 30 matches in some stage of communication, I think I only initiated communication with about 3 or 4 because I was too busy with all the other requests. So, while you're waiting for someone interesting to contact you, other women are aren't waiting and you're losing out. You're paying good money for this service - why not take full advantage?
 
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kewlbri125 is offline kewlbri125 Post #5  May 28,2009, 11:48am
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I've had two women initiate communication with me. One closed me when she didn't like my must haves/can't stands and I had a bad first date with the other.

In both cases, I gave the woman a chance because she showed the interest. The one that closed me had no photos and I would have closed her for that reason had she not opened it. The other was borderline, I could go either way so I gave it a shot.

You don't have anything to lose. If a guy will close you because you started the communication, he probably has other issues too that will keep you from wanting to dating him.
 
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coffeegeek is offline coffeegeek Post #6  May 28,2009, 1:09pm
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"pursuing another relationship" is a tricky close. I think it's fine when someone uses this excuse when they've been an open match for a while. You stalled out talking to them for whatever reason, they met someone else, and you lose. Fair enough there. However, on new matches, it's probably the most rude way to close someone out. You're either 1. clearly lying to them or 2. too rude or inconsiderate to turn off matching after you started a relationship. Maybe people think that's a more gentle way of letting other people down, but I'd rather people be honest. Use "other" for those close outs because then you're at least you're not lying. In fact, I think I've only used "other" and "distance is too great" as closing reasons.

As for the weird profile view behavior you're talking about, good question. I tell myself that they're either shy or waffling on if they should contact me or not. I have had matches I've left open for a while because I wasn't really sure. There wouldn't be anything wrong with their profile, but there wasn't anything that really made me say "ooh!" either. So I'd leave it open and go back to it every so often to see if I could make up my mind.

Lastly, you pay for this service just like everyone else. Since we're all on equal footing, you should totally contact a guy if you're really interested. Anyone guy who wouldn't be flattered by that is weird.
 
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kewlbri125 is offline kewlbri125 Post #7  May 28,2009, 5:37pm
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Whenever I close somebody out, I usually go with "based on statements in their profile...." because more times than not, it's true. I've never used pursuing another relationship, because I'm one of the people that for the two months of having a girlfriend since joining eHarmony turned off matching and never came back to the site (though did come to the advice boards and she got pissed when she found that out).
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  May 29,2009, 7:23am
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coffeegeek wrote :
"pursuing another relationship" is a tricky close. I think it's fine when someone uses this excuse when they've been an open match for a while. You stalled out talking to them for whatever reason, they met someone else, and you lose. Fair enough there. However, on new matches, it's probably the most rude way to close someone out. You're either 1. clearly lying to them or 2. too rude or inconsiderate to turn off matching after you started a relationship. Maybe people think that's a more gentle way of letting other people down, but I'd rather people be honest. Use "other" for those close outs because then you're at least you're not lying. In fact, I think I've only used "other" and "distance is too great" as closing reasons.

{snipped}
One thing you have to consider is they may be a new match and you may be new to eH but the other party may have been on eH for quite some time and is just now finishing out their subscription time as you two got matched. You just can't tell.

Welcome to the world of computer dating.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 29,2009, 7:55am
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tweet37 wrote :
At the end of my eH subscription after I met my current match, I closed out my account, turned off matching and closed matches that I was in communication with "I am pursuing another relationship". I don't know what other people do. Maybe they didn't like your hat and decided to pursue a relationship with someone else.

As far as women initiating communication, let me tell you what happened to me. I was overwhelmed with requests to communicate. Out of about 30 matches in some stage of communication, I think I only initiated communication with about 3 or 4 because I was too busy with all the other requests. So, while you're waiting for someone interesting to contact you, other women are aren't waiting and you're losing out. You're paying good money for this service - why not take full advantage?
Yes indeed, well said.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  May 29,2009, 7:57am
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SMRTRTHNU wrote :
Here are a few things I'd appreciate some thoughts on...

"I am pursuing another relationship"

Okay, this makes sense if you have been communicating for a while, but when you receive a new match and within an hour or a day you get closed out with this reason, it just drives me nuts. Why the heck are you receiving new matches if you are pursuing another relationship? Maybe not important, and just a peeve to me, but I don't get it.

Don't get me wrong, I like to keep a tight list of matches, and it's fine to get closed out. In fact, it's better than those who check out your profile, then never send questions OR close you out....I close out lots, because I feel it's better to be up front if I'm not interested.

Also, at the risk of sounding old fashioned.... Is it a bad thing for the woman to initiate the communication? This goes back to being checked out, then just left hanging for a couple of weeks..... I have no political problem with contacting a guy first, I just wonder if the guy would....and in a way, I like the guy to communicate first, but more for the reason that it lets me know that he is really interested...Or is that subjective? I mean, that's how I see it, but maybe guys don't see it that way....Are some guys WAITING to receive the first communication, or are they just waiting for something better to come along?

If the latter is the case, then I guess the "pursuing another relationship" reason makes sense!

I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, I'm genuinely wondering...

Thanks!

And so if you just sit there and wait on the guy to initiate then how is he supposed to know that you are interested and would welcome his communication. It DOES work both ways.
 
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