jeremydc is offline jeremydc Post #1  May 27,2009, 5:29pm
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As a guy, my approach to the first stage of the guided communication is to look through the girls who seem like they might be worth meeting without scrutinizing too hard. I'll send a set of first questions out and wait to see who responds. Usually in a batch of 15 people, 2 might respond within the first week or so. I notice something odd in that some women will check my profile, but they won't respond to the first questions OR close me out. I figure after a week, if a girl hasn't answered the questions, she's either not interested or she's not that interested. I like to keep a tidy list of potential candidates, and I often will just close those out who don't respond. I've tried nudging, but that seems to be a total waste.

My general demeanor is that if I'm not interested, I just close the person out immediately and move on. It seems like the most courteous thing to do, and I don't suffer any grief over a woman closing me out. My question is why many women do not close a man out after looking at his profile and refuse to answer the questions after a couple of weeks. I know there are many reasons why it may be the case, but it seems to be so common that I can't deny it as an overall tendency that I don't understand.

Maybe I seem pushy. I don't really buy into the idea that you can really know much about a person without meeting them. I see a danger in the eHarmony system that can allow for some emotional bonds to be made based on fantasy of who the other person is, and my current mindset is to put more focus on the meeting than being extremely selective and forming some grand idea of whether or not someone is marriage material. Understand though that I put a lot of thought into anything I write, and I don't skimp on that part.

So ladies, why don't you close a guy out if you're not interested? Why leave guys on the backburner? Am I making a mistake by closing out these women?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 27,2009, 5:49pm
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Probably these women are not paying customers, so they can't reply.

You may get some of them reply during a free weekend; for this reason, I would leave them open.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Renee is offline eH_Advice_Host_Renee Post #3  May 27,2009, 7:32pm

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Dear jeremydc,

While we ask members to be courteous to one another and close communication should they decide they aren't interested in starting/continuing communication with a match, unfortunately, some members (women and men) choose not to do so. It's good to hear that you are courteous to your matches and that you don't "suffer any grief" when a match closes communication with you. After all, closing matches and being closed IS part of the process of finding that special person on our site.

To answer your question as to why some members don't close matches, some have shared with us that they don't do so because they feel it is the "nicest" thing to do. I hope that this discussion will help these members realize that that isn't necessarily the case and that the "nicest" thing to do is not to leave matches waiting.

I am glad that you are taking the initiative to send the 1st set of questions to many of your matches. Doing so isn't being pushy -- it's being proactive and making the most of your eHarmony subscription! While you haven't found the "nudge" feature to be useful, I still encourage you to use it and then give your match another week to respond before closing communication.

You just never know what may be going on in someone's life that may prevent them from responding in a timely manner. Every match is unique, and you don't want to close out someone really special too soon because of another match's behavior.

I wish you all the best in your search.

-Renee
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American_Girl is offline American_Girl Post #4  May 27,2009, 10:45pm
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jeremydc wrote :
So ladies, why don't you close a guy out if you're not interested? Why leave guys on the backburner? Am I making a mistake by closing out these women?
I agree with you, but vise-versa, as I am a woman having the same issues with my men matches. I have been the first to intiate and sometimes the first and second one to respond. They come and look. They don't answer. They don't close.

I mean, what's the harm in sending these questions back and forth? At least we are getting a little communication going on. I'm not asking for a commitment.

~~~jeesh!

~AG
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #5  May 27,2009, 11:09pm
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frankly, my inbox was carpal tunnel waiting to happen, and the site functionality not up to the sorting task.
 
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dscot399 is offline dscot399 Post #6  May 28,2009, 6:14am
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Just like when you are at the bar, and the first round the woman in the corner might not look inviting a Eharmony match can gain appeal over time.

If you are not a subscriber you cannot communicate, but can look at matches. I personally have signed up for a subscription because I saw somebody profile that I wanted to communicate with.
If she had did as Jeremydc suggested we would never have spoken.

I would not have been able to speak with the woman who contacted me 2 months after we matched, or the woman that I had been matched with for 5 months but was brought to my attention through a profile update.

There are practical uses for not closing every profile that draws your immediate interest.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #7  May 28,2009, 6:35am
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For as many different subscribers as there are on eHA, there are just as many strategies for handling matches. A couple of reasons why this might be possible:

1) They're not paying subscribers. You can close them out, but realize, if they do join later - you won't be able to resume communication (unless they send a re-open request, which is unlikely.)

2) Timing - they may be pursuing multiple matches, may be in OC or dating someone they see with potential but aren't sure, etc. Yes, people in established relationships typically turn off matching -- but there is a lot of grey area before then. They don't want to close you out b/c they don't want to lose the chance to possibly contact you in the future. Unfair or rude? Maybe - but most people in the dating world know timing is key.

3) They're unsure. Most of the time - matches fall into 3 categories - those I definitely don't see an interest in (which get closed immediately), those I definitely want to pursue (which get contacted immediately) and a lot that fall between the two. Now, most of the time, if one of those guys contacts me first - I will respond and go through the communication process. But I can't speak for every woman.

4) They're just lazy/rude/uninterested.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  May 28,2009, 7:29am
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There have been many good comments made by others. Here are some of my thoughts (which may have already been mentioned).

First thing I notice with the OP is that if you are getting 2 responders out of 15 then you have a lot ore action going on with your matches than most of us. I typically expect about 2 to 5 out of 100 matches to respond all the way to Open Communication.

The predominate reason that matches don't respond is they are non-paying members and can't respond. It is also my belief that most non-paying members are non-active and never view their matches. Those that do view your profile but don't respond are probably, at best, 50-50 non-paying or on the fence to join.

The reason for someone viewing your profile but not responding could be non-paying member, wanting to see how another match works out before communicating with you, or just has a lot of matches working and has not gotten around to you yet.

Unless I have a match that I am just not at all interested in I will leave them open until after a Free Communication Weekend. Since you can only send one Nudge I wait until a FCW to send Nudges, then after the FCW anyone that did not respond gets closed to clean up my match folder.

I will admit to having left matches open without communication for an extended period of time because I was dating someone and wanted to see where it would lead. Luckily the girl I am dating now did not close me out because I had not initiated communication right away.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  May 28,2009, 11:38am
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Like Gr8Guy said, plus maybe they're too busy with other matches.

What's the harm in leaving the match open? You never know what will happen, trust me.
 
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kewlbri125 is offline kewlbri125 Post #10  May 28,2009, 11:56am
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I joined in late July and the matches that I sent questions to, I left them unclosed until they either responded or closed me. Until this weekend. I went through and closed everybody that hadn't communicated in some way since February.

I talked to three people over the free communication weekend. Two of them were matches I got over the weekend when I turned matching back on after a hiatus and one was from August. She had communicated during a previous free weekend while I was dating someone else and I just left it in case I needed it later. So, yeah, you never know with time. But that's one girl out of like 200+ so the odds are slim.
 
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