grammar_gal is offline grammar_gal Post #1  March 28,2009, 8:24pm
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I was given a flexible match last week... he was below my preferred height .. and I had serious reservations, but we hit it off, and I decided to give it a go. We went through the guided communication rather quickly... and something I never do, moved to phone. Our conversations were fun... and I thought okay... let's give Dr. W.'s theory a whirl.


Then things went nuts. I'd told him from the very beginning I do not enjoy text messaging as a means of communication. We had only been talking 48 hours and he began sending me text messages in the morning. My mornings are EXTREMELY busy and after the first couple of mornings I became annoyed. The last time he sent me a text message I was on my way out the door and simply did not feel like stopping what I was doing to reply. I figured he would call later... but he didn't. I decided he perhaps had gotten busy and as my days were running from 7-7 - I did not have time to think, nor care why a perfect stranger had stopped calling. I figured he was astute enough to know things were hectic and my days long and would call when he got the chance (especially since I had told him how crazy this week was going to be for me).


Then today he sends a text message wishing me a good day and inquiring as to how I was doing... or something equally benign. I responded with a thank you and stated I was doing well, just exhausted due to the testing schedule at school and cheer leading tryouts after school each day. He sends another text (did I mention he knows I hate texting?) asking me if I am still interested... that he was unsure as he had not heard from me. I told him I have been "right here". Next message was a little nasty... then he became downright insulting. I stopped responding after the third or fourth text, but then he resumed.


He made some sort of comment about me not having time for him... and I was not honest with him regarding my seriousness about wanting a relationship, etc. We had only spoken on the phone two or three times!!!! He made references to what couples should do... I informed him we are not a couple and that this "conversation" was highly inappropriate given that we have not even met.


This really disturbed me - one of the reasons I was not keen on responding to his text message that morning was that he seems to be the type who must be in a relationship... a clinger. Now I think he is a crazy clinger.


I suppose I will just let it go... unless he resumes texting me or worse calls me.





Thoughts?
 
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ellie82smiles is offline ellie82smiles Post #2  March 28,2009, 8:33pm
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There is a law enforcement saying "engage and enrage". When someone is being inappropriate, any communication can add fuel to the fire. Since you were the one involved in the communications, I would defer to your judgement about how to best proceed. But if he has stopped for now, I would be tempted to let things go. I don't know how EH handles it when people reportmatches but if they let him know there was a complaint, and you are the only one he was communicating with, he might feel justiified in renewing the text mesage war and may even take it up a notch. What a scary experience! Hope everything works out okay.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #3  March 29,2009, 1:23am
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grammar_gal, wrote :


I was given a flexible match last week... he was below my preferred height .. and I had serious reservations, but we hit it off, and I decided to give it a go. We went through the guided communication rather quickly... and something I never do, moved to phone. Our conversations were fun... and I thought okay... let's give Dr. W.'s theory a whirl.


Then things went nuts. I'd told him from the very beginning I do not enjoy text messaging as a means of communication. We had only been talking 48 hours and he began sending me text messages in the morning. My mornings are EXTREMELY busy and after the first couple of mornings I became annoyed. The last time he sent me a text message I was on my way out the door and simply did not feel like stopping what I was doing to reply. I figured he would call later... but he didn't. I decided he perhaps had gotten busy and as my days were running from 7-7 - I did not have time to think, nor care why a perfect stranger had stopped calling. I figured he was astute enough to know things were hectic and my days long and would call when he got the chance (especially since I had told him how crazy this week was going to be for me).


Then today he sends a text message wishing me a good day and inquiring as to how I was doing... or something equally benign. I responded with a thank you and stated I was doing well, just exhausted due to the testing schedule at school and cheer leading tryouts after school each day. He sends another text (did I mention he knows I hate texting?) asking me if I am still interested... that he was unsure as he had not heard from me. I told him I have been "right here". Next message was a little nasty... then he became downright insulting. I stopped responding after the third or fourth text, but then he resumed.


He made some sort of comment about me not having time for him... and I was not honest with him regarding my seriousness about wanting a relationship, etc. We had only spoken on the phone two or three times!!!! He made references to what couples should do... I informed him we are not a couple and that this "conversation" was highly inappropriate given that we have not even met.


This really disturbed me - one of the reasons I was not keen on responding to his text message that morning was that he seems to be the type who must be in a relationship... a clinger. Now I think he is a crazy clinger.


I suppose I will just let it go... unless he resumes texting me or worse calls me.





Thoughts?


First thought I have is about the texting. If you tell someone you don't like txt'ing as a means of communication, but then communicate with them using that means - it's the same as saying "I dont like this, but I'll do it anyways." So with that, you kind of can't blame the guy for txt'ing with you- you did txt back and forth with him as well.


If you really dislike it - and a lot of people do - make it very clear from the start that you DON'T like it, and will NOT use it as a means of communication. And then DON'T. If a guy txt's you. Don't reply via txt. When it is convenient to you, call him and just 'remind' him that you don't txt.For some people it's just 2nd nature to txt now and so they aren't doing it to be purposefully inconsiderate of your preference.


This guy you're referring to - did you remind him you didn't like (hated)txt'ing? Although, that doesn't really matter, as you continued, to text with him. Or was it the kind of thing where your annoyance was slightly growing with each message you got from him and possibly showing through in your messages to him, or your lack of response to him? So, while he may have previously been told that you hate to text - here you were texting with him, and no doubt, the guy had even forgotten that you mentioned hating it.


There'sa possible miscommunication thing here, and really could have put the guy in a position of feeling like he's getting his chain yanked, or like you were being flaky about things with him, not being honest about having time for a relationship, etc. Even though you weren't, I can see how it may have come off that way to him.


Seems you might have been simmering on this, and waiting on a phone call from him while he may have been simmering on the fact of getting no txt or other response back from you. So that when you both finally DID get back and get a response from one another - it wasn't necessarily a good and positive one! That's a shame.


Now we know him as the Crazy Clinger, and his 'people' might soon know you by some equally silly nickname. No more txt'ing for you grammar gal!
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  March 29,2009, 4:09am
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Hey there...ok..I am really nervous about my spell check here...HAHAHA...


Anyway...I agree with Lucky in that by texting back and forth, it was setting the guy up to think it was ok with your actions not matching your words...


Now..this is different than him not listening to you, and if you told him a second time that this is not how you work, and he proceeds..I would be done...I mean, if someone can't offer respect in the beginning when you haven't even gone on your first date? This is a huge red flag down the road...(Yes..guys..this goes both ways...don't get all huffy;;;LOL)...


I am in a similar situation with one of my matches in that his first two emails were nice and long and things I enjoyed hearing about...but then laced with a few things that made me feela little "rushed"...since I am just starting to date again aftermy divorce 3 years ago...


So, I politely wrote him back saying exactly that.."I am feeling a little rushed" and want to take things slow and these particular comments, (cut and pasted them)...so he could see what I was referencing...then I said, if going slow is not something that is ok with you, please let me know as we may not be a match, and what are your thoughts"....


Tried to be very polite and non-accusatory..


Well...we talked on the phone last Tuesday..and had a good conversation..I said have a great rest of the week..he knew I had things going on the other nights...


Then he called Wed. night, left a msg. Called Thursday night, left a msg. Called Friday morning, left a msg...Sent two emails...


Now...that is not my version of going slow and now am a bit frustrated that he didn't listen or respect my request at all like your texting guy...


So...I apologize for throwing in my story there...but I will be curious to see how both guys and gals respond to this thead to get some help as well by hearing how they respond to your story...since it's similar in that to me, I feel it's about respect towards one another...I know if a guy told me to take it slow I certainly would...or a guy said, "hey..I don't use texting"...then I wouldn't...no problem...
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #5  March 29,2009, 4:56am
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I think a lot of tone can get lost in the short nature of text and I don't use it. That probably added to the problem with your "right here" as it sounds like he took it personally that you didn't respond.


Key here is to make clear that you don't like text and inconvenient times to call, text, etc if used. I would have followed up with a phone call or email when I had time to his text.


Showing anger early though is a red flag and I would probably ignore future communication. Responding could make the situation worse. He does sound needy or controlling as limiting conversation to just text is odd....especially when you told him you don't like it. I do think most people though think the worst when they don't get a reply...but most handle with with class or a direct question...not accusing.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #6  March 29,2009, 4:56am
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Ingytravel,553668 wrote :

Now..this is different than him not listening to you, and if you told him a second time that this is not how you work, and he proceeds..I would be done...I mean, if someone can't offer respect in the beginning when you haven't even gone on your first date? This is a huge red flag down the road...(Yes..guys..this goes both ways...don't get all huffy;;;LOL)...
So here's the thing I'm thinking though, in this instance telling him again doesn't matter.


In reading through the post, it sounds as if the txt'ing continued right up to the point of grammar telling the guy that his comments about couples was inappropriate as they were not a couple. Which also seems like the last contact they've had.


So tell a guy once, tell him twice, tell him 10 times! But, if you're (general sense) still participating in it too - is HE still the one "at fault", or showing a 'red flag'?How does that work?


In the meantime, she'd already become annoyed by his texting the first few times, but then did, at some point txt w/ him again. Twice I believe, mentioned that she figured he would just give her a call (which he didn't, but neither did she call him), and she also mentioned that she thought he would be "astute" enough to know (she was busy I think?? darnit, can't see that page now, sorry!).


So again, I'm not siding with the guy, or against grammar - I'm just saying, from how the OP is written, I can see how this really could boil down to a miscommunication at the start, spinning into a little chaos-bubble,leading into hee thinking heis clingy and needy of a relationship, and him maybe thinking she's flaking out on him and playing games. When NO doubt - that is NOT what she was doing at all. And possibly, not a fair representation of him.


But look how easy that happens? Fun phones calls, no meet-up yet, no *clear* communication between them - that's the problem - no clear communication on things.


The first txt received after she mentioned not liking communications through txt should have been when it was nipped in the bud, imo.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #7  March 29,2009, 5:14am
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So tell a guy once, tell him twice, tell him 10 times! But, if you're (general sense) still participating in it too - is HE still the one "at fault", or showing a 'red flag'? How does that work?


Hey Lucky...yes...I totally agree with reference to your post in bold...I think in the beginning of my post..I mentioned that if your words are not matching your actions..then it sets the other person up..and confuses them...and then it's not fair to blame this guy...so sorry if I wasn't clear on that part...


I think that if she doesn't like this...say it up front..and like you all suggested...call him back or email immediately after his first text..explaining again..but don't text him back....


My red flag reference is if someone has asked something as in a request...like her not liking this...and he did it anyway...after telling him, once, twice, 3 times...and she didn't answer back at all by text..then he is being disrespectful in ignoring this....


And this goes both ways...like the end of my post says...if a guy asked this of me..I would say, "sure, no problem"...


So if we make requests to people...anyone....we have to follow through with our actions...or else..we are the one's causing the confusion, and theresponsibility falls back on us.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #8  March 29,2009, 5:26am
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Ingytravel,553691 wrote :

So tell a guy once, tell him twice, tell him 10 times! But, if you're (general sense) still participating in it too - is HE still the one "at fault", or showing a 'red flag'? How does that work?


Hey Lucky...yes...I totally agree with reference to your post in bold...I think in the beginning of my post..I mentioned that if your words are not matching your actions..then it sets the other person up..and confuses them...and then it's not fair to blame this guy...so sorry if I wasn't clear on that part...


I think that if she doesn't like this...say it up front..and like you all suggested...call him back or email immediately after his first text..explaining again..but don't text him back....


My red flag reference is if someone has asked something as in a request...like her not liking this...and he did it anyway...after telling him, once, twice, 3 times...and she didn't answer back at all by text..then he is being disrespectful in ignoring this....


And this goes both ways...like the end of my post says...if a guy asked this of me..I would say, "sure, no problem"...


So if we make requests to people...anyone....we have to follow through with our actions...or else..we are the one's causing the confusion, and theresponsibility falls back on us.
Completely agree Ingy, My bad, misunderstood what you had said
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  March 29,2009, 5:42am
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Ok I am just shocked ... Text messaging ? I must be very old and out of times ..... You only spoke a few times and he text messages .... I do text message my kids sometimes and closest friends but that is about it. Text messages are so void of feelings, emotions, even more than emails are , it simply shocks me that it looks like it is a preferred method of cummunication for this guy obviously.


Is it normal that as soon as you start talking to someone you text message them ? I am just very confused .....


And yeah, I think he needs to be let go ..... I assume not for text messaging but for not being considerate for the needs to the OP and assuming that they are already couples. Speaks volumes for his maturity level.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  March 29,2009, 5:43am
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lucky173,553696 wrote :


Ingytravel,553691 wrote :


So tell a guy once, tell him twice, tell him 10 times! But, if you're (general sense) still participating in it too - is HE still the one "at fault", or showing a 'red flag'? How does that work?


Hey Lucky...yes...I totally agree with reference to your post in bold...I think in the beginning of my post..I mentioned that if your words are not matching your actions..then it sets the other person up..and confuses them...and then it's not fair to blame this guy...so sorry if I wasn't clear on that part...


I think that if she doesn't like this...say it up front..and like you all suggested...call him back or email immediately after his first text..explaining again..but don't text him back....


My red flag reference is if someone has asked something as in a request...like her not liking this...and he did it anyway...after telling him, once, twice, 3 times...and she didn't answer back at all by text..then he is being disrespectful in ignoring this....


And this goes both ways...like the end of my post says...if a guy asked this of me..I would say, "sure, no problem"...


So if we make requests to people...anyone....we have to follow through with our actions...or else..we are the one's causing the confusion, and theresponsibility falls back on us.


Completely agree Ingy, My bad, misunderstood what you had said


No worries...my coffee hasn't kicked in yet this morning so I may not be typing very well and kind of fuzzy...LOL
 
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