Top 10 Must Haves and Can’t Stands

Top 10 Must Haves and Can’t Stands

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Top 10 Must Haves and Can’t Stands


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  November 25,2007, 5:14am

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It’s easy to convince yourself that Mr. or Ms. Right Now comes with enough of what you’re seeking at the time, but it’s not enough.
 
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Joanne is offline Joanne Post #2  March 22,2008, 4:40pm
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eharmonyadvice, wrote :
It’s easy to convince yourself that Mr. or Ms. Right Now comes with enough of what you’re seeking at the time, but it’s not enough.
In most of the guided communication process, there is an option to put in a free style comment box. However, in the Must Haves and Can't Stand you do not have an option for a free style comment box. When you update eHarmony, I would suggest that you add an option for a free style comment box for each of these topics.
 
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LLLIIIZZZ is offline LLLIIIZZZ Post #3  December 1,2008, 4:50pm
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I just had a match close me out after I sent him my must haves cant stands. It was quite an ego blow because I felt each of our answers to the1st questions meshed well. And then BAM, it was done. I did not even get to see his must haves cant stands in return. He just closed me out after he read mine. I remember feeling a bit hesitant about sending them to him because the cant stands are especially blunt and "in your face." I did not feel it was appropriate at this stage of the communication process but I had no choice since he wanted Guided Communication and I wanted Fastrack. I recommend they be shared after the 2nd round of questions. Obviously he did not like some/all of my selections because his reason for closing me out was that he did not feel our must haves cant stands were compatible. I was really excited about moving onto the next stage of communication with him, but my ego has been blown and I feel a bit dejected. Because of how I feel now, I am not sure I will renew my membership with eharmony. I don't like this roller coaster of getting hopes up and then getting let down when I haven't even had the chance to communicate openly with the other person.
 
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SnidelyW is offline SnidelyW Post #4  April 23,2009, 9:47am
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I have closed outwomen that put illegal recreational drugs in the can't stands. I can understand not doing drugs yourself, but if you "can't stand"a partnerthat smoke a blunt every now and then, that tells me we are not on the same page.
 
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Nevada_Guy is offline Nevada_Guy Post #5  July 18,2009, 11:46am
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SnidelyW wrote :
I have closed outwomen that put illegal recreational drugs in the can't stands. I can understand not doing drugs yourself, but if you "can't stand"a partnerthat smoke a blunt every now and then, that tells me we are not on the same page.
Are you serious? I hope not but I will bite anyway.

I put "use of recreational drugs" as a can't stand and will not budge on it. If someone were to close me for that reason I would be grateful that they did me a favor. It would save me from having to close them when I found that they use drugs. It would save me a lot of time too, so thanks.

Besides the obvious fact that recreational drugs is just a watered down way of saying "illegal" drugs, there is the issue of disregard for Federal Laws.
Why would I want to jeopardize my future by dating a person that does not respect the laws of the land? Whether they agree with them or not? Willful disregard for laws on controlled substances or any other law sheds a very bright light on ones character and integrity as far as I am concerned.

If they change the law and legalize the drugs I might change my stance but I doubt it.
I suppose I have just seen the real results of recreational drug use and want no part of it. That is just me I guess.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  July 18,2009, 12:13pm
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The trouble with the Must Haves/Can't Stands step of the process is that most of the Must Haves are such positive qualities that nearly everyone imagines themselves having them, and most of the Can't Stands are such that even if people have them they probably don't recognize it in themselves.

I don't have the whole lists in front of me, but going from a couple listed in the article:

Anger . . . I can’t stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.


Is anyone really going to say to themselves "Wow, I can't manage my anger... I always keep it bottled up. If this person can't stand that I'm not her match so I'd better close." Of course not! In their mind, they only get angry when provoked, etc.


Or how about this one:


Dependence . . . I can't stand someone who bases their happiness on me.

How many people will recognize this quality in themselves? They know they're happier when in a relationship... does that mean they base their happiness on their partner? Not necessarily... human relationships add happiness to our lives. That doesn't mean you're dependent. If you are, you probably don't recognize that in yourself.

Personally, I don't think ANY of the guided communication questions give me all that much insight into a person. I can tell a lot more about someone in a 10-minute conversation (by the tone of voice they use in discussing certain things, whether they laugh easily, etc.) than by jumping through all the GC hoops.

 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  July 18,2009, 2:26pm
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One thing that I have always wondered about is why it says anything about "liars" I cant stand people who lie or something like that?

Well, I have to tell ya, I LOVE a good liar!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  July 18,2009, 2:31pm
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LLLIIIZZZ wrote :
I just had a match close me out after I sent him my must haves cant stands. It was quite an ego blow because I felt each of our answers to the1st questions meshed well. And then BAM, it was done. I did not even get to see his must haves cant stands in return. He just closed me out after he read mine. I remember feeling a bit hesitant about sending them to him because the cant stands are especially blunt and "in your face." I did not feel it was appropriate at this stage of the communication process but I had no choice since he wanted Guided Communication and I wanted Fastrack. I recommend they be shared after the 2nd round of questions. Obviously he did not like some/all of my selections because his reason for closing me out was that he did not feel our must haves cant stands were compatible. I was really excited about moving onto the next stage of communication with him, but my ego has been blown and I feel a bit dejected. Because of how I feel now, I am not sure I will renew my membership with eharmony. I don't like this roller coaster of getting hopes up and then getting let down when I haven't even had the chance to communicate openly with the other person.
Wow, I would look at that like the other person did me (and themselves) a favor! Why waste your time when they saw something that was a dealbreaker? This is one huge reason that I love guided communication. I think it hits on many key areas for me, and if you are HONEST (because I "can't stand" liars) then that part of the system works well.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  July 18,2009, 2:31pm
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Nanette wrote :
One thing that I have always wondered about is why it says anything about "liars" I cant stand people who lie or something like that?

Well, I have to tell ya, I LOVE a good liar!
If someone agrees with you on that... how would you know if they're telling the truth... or lying!
 
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savvywoman is offline savvywoman Post #10  November 10,2009, 11:22am
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SnidelyW wrote :
I have closed outwomen that put illegal recreational drugs in the can't stands. I can understand not doing drugs yourself, but if you "can't stand"a partnerthat smoke a blunt every now and then, that tells me we are not on the same page.
Well, this issue plays into a BIG problem I have: I use medical marijuana Legally to offset chronic arthritis: Canada is much more mature in this regard than the U.S. I am also an activist in this area. How can I overcome the ignorant prejudice so prevalent amongst people (often the ones who think it is fine to get blotto on a regular basis)? Do I have to lie? I cannot do that with someone I want to be with......I am an Honest person. Big dilemma. It is always on my mind with EHA......
 
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