Do men understand that women may not be comfortable meeting right off the bat?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
redevil999 is offline redevil999 Post #1  January 11,2009, 10:38am
redevil999's Avatar

Please say trick! Please say trick!!

Veteran

Joined: Dec 2008

North Carolina

Posts: 2,083

See profile



Turn on the news in any city and you'll hear horror stories about some very scary things happening to women. Inevitably if it's mentioned that the woman met the man online, you get the sense that many are thinking "when will they learn to be more careful?"


This is my first foray into online dating and I participated in the free communication this lastweekend. I had a lot of matches and was in communication with approximately 7 people. I put in my profile that I would only be available for "communication" through the weekend at this time. I made it to open communication with one man who promptly sent me an email with his offsite email and phone number saying he was looking forward to meeting me. I sent him an e-card on Monday saying I was looking forward to getting to know him better.


I was very busy this week and wanted to put some thought into my first email, so I didn't send it out until Saturday. I showed some interest for some things in his profile and shared a little about myself in those same areas. It was about 10 sentences long and just enough to start a conversation without being too long-winded (believe me, much shorter than this post!). The subject line was "Getting to know you...". I finished with "So,tell me a little about yourself.....I get an email back this morning... 1 sentence, very brief reference to one of the things I had asked about. And then he said if you'd like to meet me call me and again put his phone number. I don't know anything about this guy, except that he has internet access and he doesn't seem too interested in helping that process along.


So, do you guys understand that we don't know you, we don't know anyone else that knows you and we'd be a little more comfortable talking to you a little bit to see if any red flags pop up for us?


I understand that a meet would take place in a public setting and that they are not inviting me into their home to show me their basement . But, in my (hawt) youth, I've had guys follow me home from clubs when I didn't give out my phone number to them. I've had a guy who was dating my girlfriend, until she moved out of town to get away from his abuse, leave a note on my door that he wants to get to know me.... and no, as far as I know she never told him where I lived.


I'm entitled and, frankly, smart to be cautious. So these guys that talk about what gentlemen they are, etc., don't they want to make me comfortable before meeting them? I've read over and over about how if women won't provide a pic or don't want to meet right away that they are closed or blown-off... How considerate can I expect them to be in the future if they have no respect for my sense of safety?
Guys, weigh in here please, I'm really asking for your input. Thanks for your time.
 
  Reply With Quote
LonelyStarState is offline LonelyStarState Post #2  January 11,2009, 12:29pm

H ga hoshii

Unregistered

Joined: Sep 2008

San Antonio, Texas

Posts: 3,438

See profile



whats the point in meeting people if you don't want to spend real time with them?


i dunno how others feel but i'm not into penpals, txt msg buddies etc.
 
  Reply With Quote
vlnman is offline vlnman Post #3  January 11,2009, 1:20pm
vlnman's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2008

Dayton, OH

Posts: 150

See profile



It's only polite and reasonable to exchange email but it needs to be engaging...sounds like you in fact tried to do that.There is really not a whole lot you can learn about a person from email though...outside of becoming a long term penpal. You could call him and restrict your number. Some people simply don't come across well in email. If his first question of the phone call is ...where can we meet...it's time to end the call. As far as safety you should apply the same common sense rules to anyone you've never met regardless of whether you first find them on the internet or not.


As far as photos and meeting -don't take this the wrong way, but by way of statistics no photo means there is somethng to hide. The person is married, is in no way shape or form close to the physical description, is 15+ years older than their profile age. The other thing that happens is that women will string along communications because they are not really interested....but what the heck...if the weekend boyfriend goes south at least you can suddenly be available and still have a nice dinner, bottle of wine on Saturday night.I hate to be so blunt but it happens all the time.


Best of luck to you...you do have to be willing to sort through the nutjobs anddead ends mixed along with the decent guys ....we have it the same and probably worse ourselves
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  January 11,2009, 1:29pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

NJ

Posts: 30,743

See profile

It’s best to meet me on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, cause all others days I’m psycho. Those days I’m okay, unless I’m not.
What you listen to is not news, it’s sensationalist tripe. “News” analyses the merits of European Central Bank monetary policy, the merits of President-elect Obama’s stimulus plan, and matters of similar importance.
Create an anonymous Yahoo e-mail that does not have your name in it. Drop guys who are insistent, inconsistent, display premature excess infatuation, or for any other reason. Do only what you’re comfortable doing.
But, know that while you dawdle, I have dated someone else.
 
  Reply With Quote
NoClue is offline NoClue Post #5  January 11,2009, 2:01pm
NoClue's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2008

Manhattan

Posts: 85

See profile



You are right to wait to meet someone until you're comfortable, but if you're really serious about this process then you also need to be prepared for a face-to-face. I met my now boyfriend of 9 months through this site. We went through the OC process, emailed a few times, graduated to talking by phone and then a few weeks latermet. We discussed it early on that meeting was in the cards but we did take our time until we both felt comfortable. I guess what I'm saying is offer alternatives to him if you're scared to meet right away...use real email (a dummy account like someone else suggested because I did it too) thenmove onto phone calls at least. We learned so much about each other during those phone calls that I had no doubt in my mind he was a wonderful person with whom I would be safe finally meeting. We still met in public the first time though. It's hard to hide "crazy" so phone calls relieved my mind rather quickly!!
 
  Reply With Quote
lizard47 is offline lizard47 Post #6  January 11,2009, 2:11pm
lizard47's Avatar

who you surround yourself with tells what you really believe

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2008

Midwest

Posts: 1,630

See profile



Ok, thinking like a guy here. He has already taken the time to fill out the eH 29 diminision profile and other questionaire information, then he has gone through first questions, can't stands/must haves, open-ended questions, and made it to OC. At that point he is ready to meet face to face and not continue being penpals.


I understand the desire to try and get to know more about a guy but after going through the eH process you have already learned a lot about the guy. Meeting him for coffee/hot chocolate will not put you in extreme danger, you just take precautions. Make sure you have a trusted friend who knows where and when you are meeting and that will call and check on you if you do not respond by a chosen time. Whenever I start dating a new guy I also give his phone number and which site(I use 2 dating sites) he is from and to my close friend and she checks on me via text to make sure I am ok. If there ever comes a time that she needs to she has the information needed to give to the police.


Yes, meeting the guy can be scary but even after emailing and lots of phone calls the guy may still me a nut. I speak from experience because I have had that happen where the guy went a little off and I was advised to get a restraining order. Do I judge all the guys by he's weirdness NO, I just continue to do things in a way which is safe.


Do not let the news people who like to scare everyone keep you from meeting the nice guys that are out there.
 
  Reply With Quote
ShawnInAtlanta is offline ShawnInAtlanta Post #7  January 11,2009, 2:45pm
ShawnInAtlant…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 1

See profile



I have had this conversation with a few of my female friends and some women I have met through online dating. This is my take: In the "traditional" way of meeting (grocery store, department store, coffee shop, etc.) when people meet for the first time and exchange numbers it takes what? 5-10 min of "getting to know you". It’s this simple; if the woman finds the guy attractive and or charming she will give him her number. MANY guys can attest to this scenario.

Here we have a guy that pays for a service "designed" to meet women and after "weeks" not minutes of "guided communication" he is too much of a stranger to get a phone call or an email?

Yes, I do agree that women should be careful with men they don't know yet. But what about the man she does know that beats her up everyday. How well do you know him? How well do you the priests that molest little boys? Or your married neighbor that is a peeping tom?

It's real simple; guys WANT to get to know women. However, email, texting, etc. are not efficient ways of communication for men; especially in the getting to know you phase. Most of my female friends LOVE to text and email. If we are having a conversation after about three messages I'm ready to talk on the phone. It has taken me about ten minutes to type this much in this reply. If I were on the phone it would have taken about ONE minute.

Men want to get to know women; we are visual so we want to meet you. Often the picture no matter how well done; is no substitute for a personal meeting. Men can be patient but we want to know that you are interested.
 
  Reply With Quote
wildman is offline wildman Post #8  January 11,2009, 3:49pm
wildman's Avatar

Was dancing around the mulberry bush until he discovered it was poison ivy

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2008

Posts: 176

See profile

I'm sure there are many guys who also feel that meeting off the bat is not comfortable. I think that is one of the pluses of on line dating is that people who want that option of getting to know a little bit about a person first before meeting, have it. Some people have a problem with meeting people, whether it be social anxiety, shyness, lack of opportunities, or any number of reasons. And then some like knowing something about a person so that when they do meet, conversation flows and there is not as much of a problem of conversation drying up or of things happening too fast, which seems to be a common thread here on EHA. There are options for both ways, you just have to be in agreement. Maybe that is why on line dating is so popular.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  January 11,2009, 5:22pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile



I would have responded to your email with some personal information about myself so you could get to know a little about me. I'd also probably be willing to spend something like a few weeks exchanging a couple emails a week in the 'email' stage. After that it would be time to meet up in person. Without meeting in person there's just too much of a chance that we'd be wasting further time communicating by email.
 
  Reply With Quote
LazarWolf is offline LazarWolf Post #10  January 11,2009, 7:38pm
LazarWolf's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2009

Northern California

Posts: 5

See profile



OK, first things first, horror stories about scary things happening to women: I work in the media (newspapers) for a living. Here's a little hint about the news: Things are news because they're abnormal. I doubt that every, most, or even a significant percentage of guys that you'll come in contact with on eHarmony are psychopathic throatslitters.


I think the safety advice lizard47 offered is pretty solid, and it's better to be too safe than not safe enough. When the time comes for me to actually do a face-to-face with someone I meet on here, I would expect (heck, I would hope) they've got the brains to consider such things -- but at the same time, I don't want them to treat me like I'm on the Ten Most Wanted List and assume I'm going to turn into Michael Myers at the first opportunity. Kind of a turn-off, you know?


But, onto the main issues here.


Based on what I would see myself doing, yeah, the guy came out of the gate quicker than I would. A lot quicker, really, Honestly, it makes him seem painfully desperate and needy. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm kind of desperate, too, but I'm sure as heck not going to show it.


Also, writing a one-sentence response wasn't that bright and he took the "little bit about himself" part a bit too literally. But, then again, if I was more comfortable expressing myself talking than writing, I probably wouldn't have tried using eHarmony yet.


At the same time, I could see a couple of things you did that I wouldn't have been keen on.


First, if I read what you're saying right, you waited from Monday until Saturday to send the first e-mail. That would be five days. In the digitial age, five days waiting for an e-mail isn't much different than waiting for decades. At the very least, a quick courtesy e-mail saying "Hey, I really want to put some thought into this and I have a pretty hectic week, so it might be a few days before I send you something, hope that's OK" probably would have been a good idea.


Second, I too would be wary of somebody who doesn't put their photo up. Any matches I get that lack a photo can hope for "maybe" status at best.


From my perspective, I'm spending $240 a year to be on here, which in my line of work is a decent chunk of change, and I would expect that to be the same most people on here. That means I'd expect most people using eHarmony to be serious about making this thing work for them. And I'm going to want somebody that's interested in me, warts and all (don't actually have any warts, but you get what I'm saying).


So, even though I'm not exactly waiting for the phone call from GQ to schedule the cover shoot, I have a few pictures of myself up. The way I figure, the worst anybody can say is they don't think I'm attractive, and it's not like I've never heard that before.


One final thought: Please don't let a few instances of jerkiness in your past cause you to paint a broad brush of shame across half the human population. I still hold out hope my gender that the ratio of good guys to drunk morons/sex maniacs/creepy stalkers/complete psychopaths is a couple hundred to one at the worst.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Suggestion! | Using eHarmony | Closing "viewers"? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:08am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0