Do men understand that women may not be comfortable meeting right off the bat?

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lapis Post #11 January 12,2009, 12:04am

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Really new to this service! But, I have to say there's plenty reason to take it much slower online. When you meet someone in person at the park,or bump into them in line at a cafe,I'd say more than half the talking is in body language, and in getting a sense of the person's demeanor, credibility, and honesty of look, as well as style of speech, and ability to smile, feel confident, etc. None of that is really available online, but what I think is particularly fun about this websiteisthat being forced to communicatethrough email serves as afabulous filtering (yet flirting!) mechanism - for me, a guy who can write and demonstrate his ease with language and make a verbal joke: that's way cool! I'm having a whale of a time with a match, and I'd have to say it's because it feels so old-fashioned and romantic to get to know someone slowly and verbally. This might be a tad contentious: but ladies, isn't his inability to communicate/ express oneself the No. 1 difficulty for us gals?!?! So, lovely Reddevil999 who can articulate herself so well and is probably an interesting, busy lady - if he can't bother to write more than a line at the courting phase, think of what he'll be like, later?!

ScottK Post #12 January 12,2009, 7:37am

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As a guy, I can tell you how I approach things online.

I understand the hestitation of women about meeting "live" for the first time. I don't blame them.

However, women MUST understand that EHarmony is not the end, but just the beginning. Us guys are not here to be penpals for life.

That being said, when I ask to meet up, (and a lot of times its my MATCH that asks to meet first!), I always pick a place where I know she can be very comfortable. I almost always pick Caribou Coffee or Starbucks. Its an ideal place to meet, because:

1)There are always people coming and going, along with a couple Baristas always around.

2) The stores are always in a decently traffic'ed area, where you can feel safe.

3) The coffee date is great because if you two aren't hitting it off, you can always drink fast and bail. On the other hand, if you ARE hitting it off, its not like a restuarant where the hosts are always trying to chase you off. You two can sit there talking for hours without any problems.

4) I love the smell of coffee!

tbesq Post #13 January 12,2009, 12:22pm

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redevil999, wrote :

Turn on the news in any city and you'll hear horror stories about some very scary things happening to women. Inevitably if it's mentioned that the woman met the man online, you get the sense that many are thinking "when will they learn to be more careful?"

This is my first foray into online dating and I participated in the free communication this lastweekend. I had a lot of matches and was in communication with approximately 7 people. I put in my profile that I would only be available for "communication" through the weekend at this time. I made it to open communication with one man who promptly sent me an email with his offsite email and phone number saying he was looking forward to meeting me. I sent him an e-card on Monday saying I was looking forward to getting to know him better.

I was very busy this week and wanted to put some thought into my first email, so I didn't send it out until Saturday. I showed some interest for some things in his profile and shared a little about myself in those same areas. It was about 10 sentences long and just enough to start a conversation without being too long-winded (believe me, much shorter than this post!). The subject line was "Getting to know you...". I finished with "So,tell me a little about yourself.....I get an email back this morning... 1 sentence, very brief reference to one of the things I had asked about. And then he said if you'd like to meet me call me and again put his phone number. I don't know anything about this guy, except that he has internet access and he doesn't seem too interested in helping that process along.

So, do you guys understand that we don't know you, we don't know anyone else that knows you and we'd be a little more comfortable talking to you a little bit to see if any red flags pop up for us?

I understand that a meet would take place in a public setting and that they are not inviting me into their home to show me their basement

. But, in my (hawt) youth, I've had guys follow me home from clubs when I didn't give out my phone number to them. I've had a guy who was dating my girlfriend, until she moved out of town to get away from his abuse, leave a note on my door that he wants to get to know me.... and no, as far as I know she never told him where I lived.

I'm entitled and, frankly, smart to be cautious. So these guys that talk about what gentlemen they are, etc., don't they want to make me comfortable before meeting them? I've read over and over about how if women won't provide a pic or don't want to meet right away that they are closed or blown-off... How considerate can I expect them to be in the future if they have no respect for my sense of safety?
Guys, weigh in here please, I'm really asking for your input. Thanks for your time.

If every woman was in-step with your opinion, I could see it. But not every woman wants a lengthy e-mail/phone exchange before meeting. I've actually been closed by women before because I took too long to meet them. So in my experience women have differing viewpoints on the matter. Men, as the ones expected to initiate and move things along, have to go with that works most of the time, play the percentages. We can't possibly take every variation into consideration at once. If you feel that strongly about this, find a way to bring it up during GC or early in OC.

Bluecondor Post #14 January 12,2009, 12:55pm

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redevil999, wrote :

I'm entitled and, frankly, smart to be cautious. So these guys that talk about what gentlemen they are, etc., don't they want to make me comfortable before meeting them? I've read over and over about how if women won't provide a pic or don't want to meet right away that they are closed or blown-off... How considerate can I expect them to be in the future if they have no respect for my sense of safety?
Guys, weigh in here please, I'm really asking for your input. Thanks for your time.

Honestly - it's too bad that you are not one of my matches (I am in Pittsburgh), because I am in complete agreement with this and your hesitation to meet wouldn't even make me blink.

In online dating, I feel like it is a guy's responsibility to go to create lengths to both create a safe environment for the date and to demonstrate his willingness to respect boundaries. The guy you talk about in your original post is way out of line, in my opinion, by barely answering your questions and then seemingly giving you an ultimatum that you had better agree to meet or else he's not going to waste his time with you. I don't expect women from online to agree to meet me in person until we can fill in the details a little bit on one another. As soon as someone has your personal email and phone number, they can easily gain access to you. I think you have to earn this trust over repeated positive email exchanges over the few weeks that will make the woman comfortable enough to want to trust you more.

And - the irony is that I actually prefer fast track communication, as I am pretty good at making people feel at ease when they talk to me. But - if someone prefers to email first before taking to the phone and in person, it is fine with me. Like Scott, I also prefer the coffee after work first meeting/date, as this shows that you are being reasonable with someone who barely knows you.

tbesq Post #15 January 12,2009, 1:08pm

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Bluecondor,427768 wrote :

redevil999, wrote :

I agree that you need to know enough information about a person to be comfortable meeting them in person, but I don't think you have to deliberately drag it out over a period of weeks.

The shortest time I communicated with someone openly before a meet was about 3 days. The longest was about two weeks, and only because she was out of town for a week. Some people may the mistake of falling in love with someone's e-mail persona, and being sorely disappointd when they person they meet IRL is totally different, or that no real chemistry exists.

If you have any kind of success at eHarmony, you'll receive hundreds of matches. You can't expect people to put their online dating lives on hold just for you. Being cautious, but not too cautious. When two people meet, one is as much a stranger as the other. If you want to proceed at a snail's pace, it may be better to try other dating services, or at least onces not as expensive as eH.

psvonburbank Post #16 January 12,2009, 3:30pm

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redevil999, wrote :

I'm cool with taking your time thru the eharmony process, but I'm not cool with no photo up front. You don't have to have a huge close-up so I can see every pore, but a small photo is just great.

no photo's are a waste of time. No photos means they have confidence issues, or are always trying to turn simple situations into dramatics that favor them. Hiding your photo while mine is out there makes me think the relationship will always be about manuevering your mate so theyou has the advantage. I don't want that, either. It could also mean you are not a paying member, and I just won't deal with Non-paying members.

As for other guys stalking you. yeah, I'm sorry, it sucks, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Going slow is fine, but NOT without the photo first. To me, 2-4 weeks from initial comms to meeting is pretty typical.

sodturner Post #17 January 12,2009, 7:23pm

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redevil999, wrote :

I totally understand about your experience with men. These types make it very hard on me when I try to ask for a date especially on the internet dating sites. I have been stood up so many times but understand that they might be afraid. I ask for breakfast or lunch date because if it doesn't work out We can go our separate ways. And since its the morning or afternoon there is no darkest to scare the women off. But many women never show up for the date. I guess this world getting worse off when dating. I'm tired of being turn down without an reason for it. I have the same problem with women in my dates maybe they are just scared. I'll try for a month if does not work drop the account if no women has shown any interest in me.

healthb Post #18 January 12,2009, 8:08pm

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Bluecondor,427768 wrote :

redevil999, wrote :

*

I'm entitled and, frankly, smart to be cautious. So these guys that talk about what gentlemen they are, etc., don't they want to make me comfortable before meeting them? I've read over and over about how if women won't provide a pic or don't want to meet right away that they are closed or blown-off... How considerate can I expect them to be in the future if they have no respect for my sense of safety?
Guys, weigh in here please, I'm really asking for your input. Thanks for your time.

Honestly - it's too bad that you are not one of my matches (I am in Pittsburgh), because I am in complete agreement with this and your hesitation to meet wouldn't even make me blink.

*

In online dating, I feel like it is a guy's responsibility to go to create lengths to both create a safe environment for the date and to demonstrate his willingness to respect boundaries.* The guy you talk about in your original post is way out of line, in my opinion, by barely answering your questions and then seemingly giving you an ultimatum that you had better agree to meet or else he's not going to waste his time with you.* I don't expect women from online to agree to meet me in person until we can fill in the details a little bit on one another.* As soon as someone has your personal email and phone number, they can easily gain access to you.* I think you have to earn this trust over repeated positive email exchanges over the few weeks that will make the woman comfortable enough to want to trust you more.

*

And - the irony is that I actually prefer fast track communication, as I am pretty good at making people feel at ease when they talk to me.* But - if someone prefers to email first before taking to the phone and in person, it is fine with me.* Like Scott, I also prefer the coffee after work first meeting/date, as this shows that you are being reasonable with someone who barely knows you.

I understand both of your views on this, but there are reasons to move past the computer screen. One fellow I was matched with on EH wanted to be a pen-pal. After 2 e-mails, I wanted to talk over the phone and see if we had a connection, but he wanted to continue e-mailing back and forth. After a couple of weeks of overly long e-mails with someone I barely knew, I told him I did not feel comfortable answering certain questions from someone I did not know and wanted to talk on the phone. He e-mailed me once more, but I ignored him as I tired of the process.

When I first started EH, I was a bit more reserved when it came to meeting guys online. This one experience with one of my matches changed me quite a bit to the point where I won't spend a lot of time e-mailing. I learn more about a person when I talk to a fellow on the phone as opposed to continuing to e-mail back and forth. Having said that, I understand wanting to take your time with this, just make sure you don't end up with an "unwanted pen pal."

healthb Post #19 January 12,2009, 8:16pm

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psvonburbank,427978 wrote :

redevil999, wrote :

Turn on the news in any city and you'll hear horror stories about some very scary things happening to women.* Inevitably if it's mentioned that the woman met the man online, you get the sense that many are thinking "when will they learn to be more careful?"*

This is my first foray into online dating and I participated in the free communication this last*weekend.* I had a lot of matches and was in communication with approximately 7 people.* I put in my profile that I would only be available for "communication" through the weekend at this time.* I made it to open communication with one man who promptly sent me an email with his offsite email and phone number saying he was looking forward to meeting me.* I sent him an e-card on Monday saying I was looking forward to getting to know him better.*

I was very busy this week and wanted to put some thought into my first email, so I didn't send it out until Saturday.* I showed some interest for some things in his profile and shared a little about myself in those same areas.* It was about 10 sentences long and just enough to start a conversation without being too long-winded (believe me, much shorter than this post!).* The subject line was "Getting to know you...".* I finished with "So,*tell me a little about yourself.....I get an email back this morning... 1 sentence, very brief reference to one of the things I had asked about.* And then he said if you'd like to meet me call me and again put his phone number.* I don't know anything about this guy, except that he has internet access and he doesn't seem too interested in helping that process along.

So, do you guys understand that we don't know you, we don't know anyone else that knows you and we'd be a little more comfortable talking to you a little bit to see if any red flags pop up for us?

I understand that a meet would take place in a public setting and that they are not inviting me into their home to show me their basement

I'm cool with taking your time thru the eharmony process, but I'm not cool with no photo up front.* You don't have to have a huge close-up so I can see every pore, but a small photo is just great.

no photo's are a waste of time.* No photos means they have confidence issues, or are always trying to turn simple situations into dramatics that favor them.* Hiding your photo while mine is out there makes me think the relationship will always be about manuevering your mate so the*you has the advantage.* I don't want that, either.* It could also mean you are not a paying member, and I just won't deal with Non-paying members.

As for other guys stalking you.* yeah, I'm sorry, it sucks, but I have to draw the line somewhere.* Going slow is fine, but NOT without the photo first.* To me, 2-4 weeks from initial comms to meeting is pretty typical.

*

*

As for hiding photos, I understand why some people would want to do that. Some people in this area work have security clearances and don't want everyone knowing that they are looking for a relationship. Also, it's a really small world, so small in fact that I have been matched with two men I used to work with in the past.

It was a rather uncomfortable, yet amusing circumstance for both of us. With one fellow, we actually dated for a short time (thanks to a friendly fix-up by a co-worker and friend), but I knew he had the "international bug," and any woman he dated was second to that. Sure enough, 2 weeks later, we were matched on EH! ...and I was his ONLY EH Match! Then, I was also fixed up with a fellow who handled HR for our organization whom I couldn't imagine dating. Not that he wasn't a good guy, but it would have just been weird.

...In short, you just never know who you will be matched with on EH! ; )

Moriah Post #20 January 12,2009, 8:38pm

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I'd like to mention that when a match's first email is "when can you meet me", I tend to wonder why the rush job. The first OC I had sent that email. When I responded that I wanted to get to know him a bit before I drove three hours to meet him (he only wanted me to come to him, rather than meet midway, odd, huh?) He gave me the "I'm not here for a penpal and threatened to close me. I told him go right ahead.

I'm not here for a penpal either. I just want to know a bit about the person and see if their story adds up. I want to write a few emails, exchange phone calls, and feel there is a connection before I get to the stage of meeting in person. And I also tell the guys up front, do NOT expect that I am out for a roll in the hay. I didn't sign up for a quickie. If you don't have the time to get to know me, and let me get to know you, you are not the man I want to be with. Just my 2 cents.

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