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goodreadTN goodreadTN is offline
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I don't think there is any way to get around the fact that the length of response time is tied to the level of interest. This is irrefutably true -- even people who have very busy lives (I'm one - two active young children and a very demanding job that doesn't stop when I leave the office). If someone rocks your world you won't be able to stop thinking about them. It's like a drug, for better or worse.
On the other hand, if you are only mildly interested, you're effort will reflect that. That is a harsh truth. But for those on the waiting end, the good news is by accepting this truth, you can calibrate your emotional investment appropriately. There is honesty in a slow response that is beneficial to you. If you are still interested in that person despite them being slack, at least you know it's going to be an uphill battle - one that you may not want to take on given your life priorities. Closing out a match who does not show the same level of enthusiasm is a perfectly healthy, rational thing to do. Personally, I think it's a more honest reason to close someone out than some of the listed ones given by eHarmony such as distance.


- December 22nd, 2007, 06:22 am
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DeAnna DeAnna is offline
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Frustrating issue isn't it! In todays world of instant everything, we really do want the process to work fast. I think we joined e-Harmony because of the way it was structured...am I right? But on the flip side...in reality, people find time to do what they want to do. It is that simple. So, if they don't respond in a timely fashion...and I give them one month and then close the match.....they can always ask to have it reopened if they think they made a mistake...but, seriously, I look at their response as a personality trait....they just may be procrastinators...and that doesn't work for me.
- December 22nd, 2007, 07:59 am
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MW77009 MW77009 is offline
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I agree. It all boils down to interest level. If people are interested in you they will respond if not they will not. It would be nice if they hit the eject (closed) button but I have no control over that. My personal policy is I wait until that nudge thing shows up and then I close em myself. I rarely if ever nudge a match because they never respond anyway and it comes across as pushy.

Here is a question for the ladies. When you say you wait a week, a month or whatever before closing out a match, on what percentage of them have you initiated communcation to which they have not responded and how many do you leave there waiting for the guy to start communicating? I ask this because, I don't know how other men feel, but sometimes its nice to have someone else get the ball rolling.
- December 26th, 2007, 02:39 pm
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If I'm not ready to respond or am unsure about a person and I know it'll be more than a day or so before I reply, I use the Hold feature. There are lots of different options to select and you can always reopen it. Then no one is left wondering whats going on, and they can Close if they don't like it. We have to remember that we are all individuals and no one is trying to hurt anyone. If anything some of these no-replies are trying NOT to hurt you. Lets all "man up" and try to be more honest and understanding. If you don't want to wait around, don't.
- December 26th, 2007, 09:53 pm
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ValerieT ValerieT is offline
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In response to MW77009, who asks: "Here is a question for the ladies. When you say you wait a week, a month or whatever before closing out a match, on what percentage of them have you initiated communication to which they have not responded and how many do you leave there waiting for the guy to start communicating?"
I find I initiate communications about 75% of the time. I do wait to see if there is any interest first because frankly, if a man does not have the confidence or certainty to initiate the communication, he probably isn't doing a lot of initiating in the rest of his life either. But if there is someone I am interested in, I will initiate the interaction. I will nudge once, then it's close-out time. I really do not understand why matches sit there for over a month with no communication; if you're not interested, close it out! I would rather receive a close-out message than wait and wonder.
- December 27th, 2007, 09:33 pm
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daabtz daabtz is offline
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In responce to MW7709 about who initiates the communication. I'm a woman and I initiate communication with every match that at least peaks my interest. Of those, more than 90% never respond in any way.
I will wait a couple of weeks and close the match. Its frustrating to pay this amount of money and have so few take the process seriously enough to either respond to my questions or close the match.
- December 28th, 2007, 06:43 am
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MW77009 MW77009 is offline
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Wow! That surprises me. I get that maybe 1/50 matches. You make a good point that men should have the self confidence to initiate and if they do not, that is probably a red flag. I also sometimes find people who are too eager a bit of a concern.
- December 28th, 2007, 11:48 am
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mytwocents mytwocents is offline
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MW77009, I've enjoyed reading your responses in these forums. In your last post, you stated "I also sometimes find people who are too eager a bit of a concern." What does that mean? Because this is a paid subscription service, I want to make the most of my "investement" and atleast start the communication process with those who spark my interest. Like DAABTZ, I've discovered that many men don't respond, and some will close out after I send the first questions. I want to wait. I would love to be pursued. However, time is money, and I'm just trying to establish if there's an equal amount of interest from the other party. How does a man define "too eager"? Should I wait a day to respond so I don't seem too eager? I had one match with whom we went through all the guided communication steps in one day. We had a similar sense of humor and were both having fun with it. That was 4 months ago and we still haven't met in person and don't talk all that frequently. He says we will meet, but now I've lost interest. I believe people generally make time for what's important to them. If they don't have that much control over their lives, they are not for me anyway.
- December 28th, 2007, 06:51 pm
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daabtz daabtz is offline
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MW77009, I was being generous with the 90%...I currently have 14 open matches that I have initiated communication with over two weeks ago.
As of today...not one has responded, even to close the match.
I did have one match go all the way to open communication and then close it due to distance. So back to your original question...I think there are a fair amount of us women who are not just sitting back and waiting for the man to go first.
- December 29th, 2007, 08:06 am
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I have looked at all of this again and I think the fact that this is a paid service is part of the problem. Many that join eharmony seem to view the service in the same way they view any other purchase they make. They believe: 1) that the customer is always right and 2) as customers, they can do anything they want with whatever they have purchased. The problem with these ideas is that the service offered by eharmony involves interaction with others; the hope is that a long-term relationship will be the end result of this interaction. In addition, the eharmony system is designed in such a way that regular log-ins to one's account and replies to questions asked are the best ways to get the most from the system. It appears that a large number of people join eharmony with the same attitude they use when they join health clubs. They have a lot of initail enthusiasm, but no stamina or patience for the real work involved over time. Slow responses or no responses at all are the end result for those that eharmony's computers match with the absentee members. I really think eharmony should automatically turn matching OFF for those that don't respond to questions within two weeks, even if those responses are only to close the matches. Then the absentee types will have to clean up all responses before matching can be turned on again. Unfortunately, I think eharmony will not want to risk losing the business generated by absentee members, so the rest of us will have to tolerate the situation as it is.
- December 29th, 2007, 11:24 am
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