eHarmony Success Story - GONE WRONG!

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three_eyes Post #21 March 30,2009, 6:58pm

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Parfy,549762 wrote :

Xfiredadof1,496967 wrote :

Mine isnt that bad. I just keep getting matched with my ex on every site that I have gone to.

That's funny. That happening is one of my greatest fears.

It's tough. It happened to me on Saturday, just five days after we'd broken up. It was hard, very hard, for me. He didn't close me because he didn't want to hurt me further, which was sweet but only reminded me why I liked him. I ended upclosing him quickly and we talked about it later, but for some reason knowing that eHarmony thought we were a good match made the whole break-up that much harder. Maybe I shouldn't put so much faith in the matching - lots of people don't - but I tend to find that a good 20-40% of my matches are men I would really like to date, so I keep hoping that I'll get matched with one who finds me interesting too. So far very, very few takers, and nothing over about 4 dates (my choice). I also wonder whether I would have dated him if we'd met through eH first? As in, would we have given each other the chance to go on a date if we'd met that way instead of how we did meet? I don't know. But I know it's over now and it was darn hard closing him out. But I did.

tink333 Post #22 March 30,2009, 9:37pm

up late....again.

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Walibelle,551254 wrote :

I met someone on EH aand everything seemed to go very well. We didn't physically meet but he sounded great, beter than most guys I've met on dating sites. His pictures were great and I loved the person I saw on the pictures. He wrote the most wonderful worrds, I responded. It was not long before he asked me to send money for his sick mum, then it was money again to clear vaccines in Nigeria??? I never sent a penny. I decided to end the friendship as he often got quite negative when I failed to send money. He claimed to be white-American and a veterinarian doctor? I believe he sent me someone else's pictures and lied about his job. I would like to share the pics or atleast find out who the poor lad in the pics is. It's strange but I still like the guy. I think he even faked his accent. I don't know what to do because I started to really like or maybe fall for him. I guess I will be fine in time.

Walibelle,

Sounds like you may have encountered one of the many dating scams out there. There is a board up here on EHA that has a couple of posts - one especially on Nigerian dating scams: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=groups/view&GRID=476 and there is a site which shows quite a few pics of people who are scamming on a regular basis: Nigerian dating scam database with photos of scammers

I hope you have reported the situation to EH - They seem to genuinely be interested in keeping the scammers out and their clients as safe as possible. I am sorry to hear that you have had such an awful experience, but I hope you are able to put this behind you and not give up. I was so blessed to have met a wonderful man, not through EH directly, but actually through EHA. There are genuinely good people out there - it just takes time to find them.

I wish for you the very best.

Maria

simplemind Post #23 April 2,2009, 3:29pm

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Parfy,549762 wrote :

Xfiredadof1,496967 wrote :

Mine isnt that bad. I just keep getting matched with my ex on every site that I have gone to.

That's funny. That happening is one of my greatest fears.

you, and the person up above, are third and fourth time I'm hearing this. It's so awful it's funny, in a way.

I mean, you clearly had good instincts in having chosen each other, as a profiling program that is supposed to be semi-scientific validates your choice. That promises only that you have the potential, from what I understand.

Then real life comes in, time comes in, and two people's idiosyncracies drive them together, or apart.

And here comes the Universe, just when you think you're getting past it and ready to try again, using eH to tell you that you were at least part right? Thanks a lot, Universe... ;-)

If you're really over it, it might not be so bad. But if there'sa lot of baggage you're still carrying, mebbe not time to start more serious attempts at dating? Unless, of course, the other was a nightmare?

Don't know the answer. My ex is remarried, and my most recent serious relationship since then likely is here somewhere. If we get matched, hey...I don't have to do anything about it except close gently.

Good luck to you.

simplemind Post #24 April 2,2009, 3:45pm

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three_eyes,556025 wrote :

Parfy,549762 wrote :

Xfiredadof1,496967 wrote :

Mine isnt that bad. I just keep getting matched with my ex on every site that I have gone to.

That's funny. That happening is one of my greatest fears.

It's tough. It happened to me on Saturday, just five days after we'd broken up. It was hard, very hard, for me..... darn hard closing him out.But I did.

your note really hit me, three eyes.

I am sorry you're hurting--can well remember the pain at such a time. And it is genuinely courageous (not shining you on, I do mean it) for you to have closed it and for you to have spoken later to him about it. Not everyone can pick up the phone and talk to a person with whom they've already experienced significant hurt (no matter what the source, you are both hurting). So absolute kudos to you.

But...pardon...this is really hard to ask in a written medium so forgiveness requested if I step in it and offend:

Why were you on a matching site just five days after a breakup?

I want so much to put a hand on your shoulder and say, "dear one, it's too soon. Let yourself grieve, let yourself cry it out. Wait awhile until you're not so wide open before trying again."

Hurting, wide open and vulnerable; lots of bad things can happen to you. Unscrupulous individuals exist everywhere, including here. They look for vulnerable people the way a wolf knows how to tell which sheep in the herd is the one to cull. It is instinctual for them to recognize just what it would take to manipulate you. And that hurts even more.

Too, if you have not done processing your part in the relationship and why it had to end--you are very likely to project a great deal of that onto the next relationship...and then you're hurting AND you've hurt someone else.You wouldn't do it on purpose, but the subconscious is a pretty powerful determiner of our actions. Too many stories I'm reading these past few weeks, where the evidence of that is in the receiver of the hurt. Like the gentleman who started this thread.

Please, please take a break from datingfor at least a few months, for your sake and the sake of some kind person you might meet that you wouldn't mean to harm for anything.

and, Providence willing, mayloving and being loved equallyin return be in your future.

christine2004 Post #25 April 2,2009, 5:42pm

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ATL_guy411, wrote :

Long story short - I met a wonderful lady on EH and we fell madly in love! Married a few months later and I was blissfully happy for more than a year. She was everything I had ever wished for and more. I was excited to be another living and breathing testimonial to the wonders of the EH phenomenon. As we were preparing to leave on a trip to celebrate our first anniversary there was a change in her demeanor - major shift - but she was reluctant to talk about it and became withdrawn and distant. When the truth came out - she said she had "accidentally" discovered that her ex BF had been killed in a motorcycle accident within a few days from the last time she spoke with him. This had happened a couple of years earlier, but she only just learned of it. He had seemed to disappear, and she never found out why or what had become of him. I tried to be understanding and supportive, but she refused to talk about it and remained distant and disconnected from me for months afterward. She seemed to be "going through the motions" with me, but it was very obvious that the spark and emotional connection we had always seemed to share was missing. I tried to talk with her, wrote her long letters reminding her how much I loved her and how would always be there for her, and trying to remind her that while tragic, he was in her past and was gone, never to return, and that meanwhile, she had a husband who was very much alive and wanting his beloved wife back. She eventually decided to take a trip across the country to San Francisco to visit a friend and take a sabbatical; a "mental health" holiday, which I supported. I agreed to stay behind to take care of her daughter and to "hold down the fort." The night before she was to leave, I found an email thread on our computer that revealed that the friend she told me she was visiting had actually moved away from the Bay Area, and in reality she was going to spend a week with the ex-BF's best buddy. I dug deeper into her email and found that, even though they had never actually met, they had been chatting on-line for quite a while and were planning a romantic holiday - a tour of the wine country, overnight stays in B&B's and both were pretty graphic about being open to - and actually expecting that the trip would include - sex. I confronted her with what I had found but she was angry with me for "snooping" and went anyway, leaving me behind to care for her daughter. (From a previous relationship.) Needless to say, we ended things shortly after she returned. I was crushed, and disappointed to say the least. She admitted that they had sex, and even had the audacity to tell me that she expected to see him again in the future, and that if I wanted to keep our marriage going, I was going to have to accept that. (I couldn't believe it either!) So it was OVER.... Moral of the story - don't be fooled into thinking that EH - or any other site - can insure that you will have a good outcome. Take time to really, really get to know someone, and be sure you have worked through the issues with your ex before trying to committ yourself to a new relationship. Any other stories of folks who have had your eHarmony fairy tale imploded and incinerated?

Wow I am really sorry to hear that. That was very wrong of her......I will definetly take your advice and get to the whom ever I am destined to meet

aviatrix Post #26 April 2,2009, 8:27pm

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Xfiredadof1,496967 wrote :

Mine isnt that bad. I just keep getting matched with my ex on every site that I have gone to.

Me too!!! Only twice now for 2 different sites, but dayuuum. We tried this already!! Great on paper, horrible results in person! We tried off and on for 5 months. Not happening, that's for sure. Here and on match.

I am sorry for what happened to you, OP. And nice girls like me can't get a decent guy because of silly women like that burn so much.

eH_Advice_Host_Renee Post #27 April 4,2009, 6:29pm

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Walibelle,551254 wrote :

Dear Walibelle,

I regret to hear that you had that type of experience with someone that you met on eHarmony, and I wish I had come across your post sooner.

Our Safety Tips advise members to watch out for anyone who asks for money and not to comply with a match's request for money or goods such as laptops, gift cards or other items of value; so I am very happy to hear that you didn't comply with this match's request.

Should a match make such a request, we ask members to please report this as a Match Concerns so that eHarmony can investigate this matter. eHarmony works hard to close individuals who misrepresent who they are on our site, and we take member complaints seriously.

So if you haven't already done so, please e-mail your concerns to: matchconcerns@eharmony.com. Doing so will allow us to take the appropriate steps to keep eHarmony the safest and best place to start a relationship on the web.

I wish you all the best.

-Renee
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ca96 Post #28 April 6,2009, 7:00pm

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getmovin97,532334 wrote :

Xfiredadof1,496967 wrote :

Mine isnt that bad. I just keep getting matched with my ex on every site that I have gone to.

Xfiredadof1: I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle at your comment. I just joined EH and I am afraid of the same thing happening with me and my ex.We bothlive in Cincinnati, which you would think would leave the dating poll large enough - butyou never know! Good luck!

My ex and I (we get along) actually have a regular laugh about the fact that NOT ONCE were we matched to eachother. Maybe you should give it another go?

DaraThrill Post #29 April 11,2009, 11:27pm

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Walibelle,551254 wrote :

Dear Walibelle,

On another site, I encountered two Nigerian scammers in quick succession. The first one had an almost schizophrenic email personality. One was relatively normal "getting to know you" (signed James) and the other was wildly, and off-the-wall romantic (i.e. "I wake up loving you through every ray of sunshine kind" of thing; called himself "Jimmy"). I suspect that there were actually at least two different men pretending to be "James Gibson". Once "Jimmy" asked for money, I knew I was being scammed and abruptly ended the communications.

The second scammer "Mark James" seemed more sophisticated and real. However, I suddenly received an awkwardly worded email that was kind of a boilerplate type story with many of the weird features of the "James Gibson' story (i.e. was raised in Germany, parents were killed in a wreck; wife cheated on him), and then added that he had a daughter in "West Africa". After receiving that email, I replied that "What's next? will you email me and tell me how much love me, and BTW, when you are out running errands could you wire me $800 to Nigeria?; FORGET YOU!!!" That ended it.

Even though both you and I were savvy enough to terminate the scam before sending any money, our emotions were still manipulated, and it did hurt. Don't think of the scammer as a guy that you like. he is probably more than just one "guy" and they were pushing our buttons. They are absolute vermin.

sc4me Post #30 April 18,2009, 7:17am

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gr8galmv,507792 wrote :

I don't believe eHarmony ensures a good outcome. And you're soooo right and spot on in your advice to take time to really get to know someone. I don't know why but I've found a good number of folks who meet through the eHarmony system seem to rush to the engagement after just a few months of meeting. I have no idea how people can say that they really know someone much less love someone without having weathered a few storms and a year or so worth of dating. Sorry to hear about your outcome.

I agree with this.

This is a flaw that not many people recognize in any online dating service that "matches" people. There is this expectation that because it is scientific it must be fool proof. I think the experts here would agree that there is nothing scientific about relationships. All they can do is put two people together. It's up to us to do the rest. We are not without responsibility for using our own good judgment.

I had a similar situation but it didn't involve an online dating service. I met this woman at work. We clicked right away, had a lot in common and started dating. After 2 months I told her that I was falling in love with her and she needed to tell me if that was too much for her. She said she wanted to take it slowly, but she had strong feelings for me and wanted to see me more and get to know me.

I don't think I need to tell you now that worked out. Over the next two months we saw each other 3 times. I confronted her and she bolted. End of story.

For me, the lesson learned is to be observant not only to what someone says, but what they do. If they don't line-up (and I don't mean perfectly because that NEVER happens) you've probably made a mistake. I don't mean that you have to be super-vigilant, but stay in touch with your own feelings. If something makes you uneasy pay attention to it. Your gut instinct is almost always right.

Having said that, there are people who have perfected the art of charm and seduction and they can fool most of us 90% of the time. (men and women) So relationships mean taking a chance on heartbreak.

For me, the signs that cause me to look deeper are:

- sex on the first date

- broken dates with weak excuses (health being the most used)

- unreturned phone calls or emails or texts

- too many phone calls, emails or texts

- the statement, "I am leery of men" or something similar (you don't stand a chance here)

- date for 2 months and never spend the night together and a conversation about it turns an intimate evening into an awkward evening

- date for 2 months and never meet family (esp. parents) or close friends

- you come home from work and find that "she" or "he" has made a copy of the key to your apt. or house without asking and has moved clothes in and rearranged furniture, the kitchen, etc. - also without asking

- questioning your whereabouts while at the same time disappearing for days or a week at a time with no contact

These are some of the more subtle signs. Some are obvious, but the practiced charmer uses seduction and beauty to lead you to believe there is more there than there really is. I tried to figure out why someone would do that as it sounds like this is what happened to OP. Sometimes there are emotional issues or even disorders that may go unnoticed or unknown. Sometimes it is just fear of letting you into their world because you might not like what you see. Sometimes is it just how they are -- and there is no real explanation.

Other times, and I think this is what happened to me, she was just not into the relationship as much as I was, but didn't know how to end it so withdrawing seemed the path of least resistance.

All the care and insight in the world won't prevent heartache. It is going to happen unless you live like a hermit.

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