The Relationship Killers: 8 Things you Should Never Say

Dear Nicole5 (and the now welcomly familiar voices of Beloved, MystikChik, Sarah), you've got my synapses firing on what happens to be one of my favorite topics -- period -- and certainly within the realm of pychology, sociology, linguistics, women's studies, and relationship studies. If I may be forgiven for dragging over and climbing onto my soapbox, you have come to the right Counselor, as I have my Doctorate in Pop-Psychology. OK, my doctorate is in a similar subject but, as understanding means of relating IS within my field, I finally feel like I have something worthwhile to contribute to these postings. [I'm afraid my health right now is the limiting factor, but, as the first survivor of this level of this disorder (most women kill themselves from the pain at the halfway point), I've learned that my "less than 50% chance of survival" (determined in the 1st year following surgery) is almost wholly dependent on a support group of friends. No desire to dwell on my current illness motivates me; rather, it is people like Beloved, Sarah, and Mystikchik who keep me grounded these days, and I find myself doing much better when I offer the same generosity of time and spirit to help someone who has posted on an eHarmony Discussion Board. My primary point is that everyone on this site would do well to read, at a minimum, the following books, books that changed mine and others' lives by ramping up our communication skills and levels of understanding, applicable to our relationships in all facets of our lives -- from our significant others to our families to our bosses, colleagues, staff, and clients. Beware, though, of the life-altering ramifications of being fabulous in understanding others and, with the occasional exception, of being an adept communicator: It can be very lonely and frustrating when the person with whom you are attempting to communicate is liks the hypothetical mate of the article, i.e., a person who stubbornly stagnates or who is too busy pulling sword & shield and your past misdemeanors from Pandora's Box to listen and RESPOND (per the article) in a manner that is PROactive (not REACTIVE) and does so with the warmth and respect supposedly inherent in your relationship. [Please forgive the run-on sentences, or clauses, more like it, as I'm writing from my iPhone and can only see the line that I'm tapping out at the time. Perhaps, in many ways, my experience right now is a metaphor for the struggles I've witnessed among and between people who aren't keeping focused on the goal (resolving a speedbump or conflict with a loved one), and, instead of turning their energies and time into proactively resolving the issue (It may be as simple as lowering your ego to hear that your signigicant other is simply asking you to lower the speed at which you are driving) is busy digging his foxhole, throwing grenades, spraying cover fire, and, finally, when cornered, ensuring that any conversation takes on the tone and conversational nature of a hostile deposition. Here are the books that will change your life in greater steps than eHarmony Discussion Boards, enlightening and humanistic as they are. (1). Title: We Can Work It Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict. Authors: Notarius and Markman Gist: The authors ran a marital clinic in DC and ran a study for ten years tracking couples from engagement through divorce or a happy, long-lasting marriage. The book contains excellent "talking point" suggestions (that my friends and I have used with great success, including the best way I've ever heard of coming out looking mature and the better person with "the never-call-back or disappearing guy"). Although the book is out-of-print, you can get it online. Its exercises are useful for dealing with friends and mates, and the clinicians state that the study allows them to predict with 97 or 99% accuracy whether a couple will suceed, based on the couple's communication patterns alone. 2. Title: You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation Author: Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., Professor of Lingustics at Georgetown Univ. Gist: Released in paperback in approximately 1990, this book launched her successful series on the differing communication styles, and thereby relating styles, of men and women, based upon information derived from her socio-linguistic studies of conversational devices used by men and women as based and reinforced culturally by our socialization. Rife with anecdotes, the slim volume is an easy and fascinating read, is the perfect companion to any book on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), and, most importantly, it does not require that you don a loincloth and accept behavior associated with cavemen. 3. Title: The Dance of Intimacy (or any of the Dance of ...books) Author: Harriet Goldher-Lerner, Ph.D., reknowned therapist in counseling couples, families, and individuals. Borders Books held events at their bookstores nationwide last year in honor of the 25th Anniversary of her first book, "The Dance of Anger," 25 years from its 1st printing and over 25 million copies sold. Her seminal book,The Dance of Anger, urges readers to take a close look at the sources of their anger, not to channel anger into the more socially accepted form of depression (for women, that is), and to use anger as a guidepoint like other emotions to erect or repair boundaries in your life. These all hold the answer you seek Nicole, but I'll tap out the straight-forward version later. My fingertips give up!

Threatening your partner with the words "I'm journaling this [argument]" is for me an instant relationship killer and led to my decision to stop dating someone. This person also had a habit of emailing her arguments to me and some things she wrote were completely untrue. The thought of her of keeping an argument journal (and emails, which last forever) potentially containing lots of damaging and untrue statements completely freaked me out where I felt that in my defense, I would have to keep my own journal. But who wants to be in a relationship, let alone a marriage, under those conditions?

So teach me tactful, "Your the best I've had Today"! (I"m Joking)


Seriously though I agree nuttin2no1 could of been more sensitive but I felt defensive for her when she stated "From then on he never let me forget what I said" I think that him bringing it up and never letting her forget is more damaging to their relationship than her initial brutal honesty.


oh and just for the record 1st relationship 23 years, 2nd relationship now 8 years and still going strong.

All I have to ask is, What does it mean when your mate says, "I need time to myself".

WOW you have a lot to learn about relationships! Ask yourself this....How would you feel if the tables were turned?

tables turned? Not sure what you mean by this Jewelz. I have been in several relationships where my comment has not even been an issue. Many people I've spoken to about this (including people who are married or in long term relationships) agree with me on this. If someone starts threatening that they are 'documenting' you, especially when prior statements in writing have not been true, it is time to bring out the tape recorder. But then you have to ask yourself, do you want to bring a tape recorder along everywhere you go with this person, or would you just rather date someone else? I'd choose the latter option.

I am new to this blog action so please excuse if my comment lands in the wrong blog but i was referring to another comment . I do agree with you whole heartly and i would certainly be moving on as well.I do not believe in trying to control another personby threating them.