Decoding the Emotional Affair

Decoding the Emotional Affair

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Decoding the Emotional Affair


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  July 27,2008, 10:43am

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An emotional affair can be just as devastating to a relationship as a physical one. So what's the difference between a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex and an emotional affair?
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #2  July 27,2008, 12:43pm
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Several years ago, I had a guy who started out being friends with me. He was married and I worked in the same office as his wife although we weren't co-workers. She introduced me to her husband and we found out that her husband and I had mutual friends we had gone to college with. Subsequent meetings, dinner with them both, participating in activities. i.e walkathons for charity resulted in her husband developing inappropriate feelings towards me.


I had to have the talk with him, when he confided in me once that he was having problems with his wife. We had a long talk and I told him that talking to me about his issues isn't appropriate nor does it solves the problems with his wife. It just creates problems. I think he was just looking for a little distraction and thought I'd provide it. When he saw I wasn't down with that, he stopped the attention. I do believe they worked through their issues and are still together.


I think if more people would set appropriate boundaries and not get caught up in the flattery of inappropriate attention from married spouses, then this kind of stuff wouldn't go on as much. People can't have emotional affairs if you don't let them.
 
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123_red is offline 123_red Post #3  July 29,2008, 3:51pm

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I met a man on another web site. Found out he had an emotional affair with another woman. I told him all that is in this article and he did not buy it. He saw me as controlling. The other guru "friend" pulled his chains and it hurt me deeply.


Some how we still e mail occasionally and I sent him this article. He said yes he has learned from his mistake.


It took me a very long time to get over this. I was divorced and my ex was having cyber sex and emotional affiars when I discoved this again I freaked out. The bad part was I met his family and loved them. His mom and dad, sister, nieces. It was difficult. I should of just walked away immediately.


I think this also extends on with dating sites.


Latest example. I met a man on EH. We know it is for poeple looking to get married of for serious commitment. Two weeks of intense seeing each other e mailing talking...laughing so much in common we could not believe it. I finally e mailed him. I feel funny being on EH since we are focusing on us. He was talking Christmas and so on. So I felt he was looking down the road and of course depending if it all continued to go well. I just to be honest I am would rather we not be on EH for a bit. I have asked for no new matches. He said well I am on until my membership is done. That was the last I heard from him.


I e mailed him, if you need space fine, just tell me, maybe I was wrong on e harmony thing.


He never has called or e mailed. I think the sites for men are very appealing as it is like maybe there is one more interested in me. Almost addicting. The first fellow. He still is on dating sites.


Oh well ...either way to focus on two people to me...means just that. Set the others a side if you looking for what you say your are. Seeing if the great fun and lust and such will grow.


It is the age of the computer. It is like an easy drug. I think it is making finding someone very difficult. Of the realtionships that work that I know of. Niether couple is on line for anything other than work or finding things or maybe an animal group, or some thing other than dating or chat. It is to accomplish a goal. Helping people, animals, earth. Something two can share.


I am now very very leary fo being on a website again. The last fellow also said he was on a tag sight that is where you rate each others appearance. That again would be an issue. So they walk.


They also cheat real feelings and meaningful relationships that can enhance your health, and relationship and others.
 
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rkyriak is offline rkyriak Post #4  July 30,2008, 8:39am
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this happens a lot more than you would think....I didn't know before but I know now that I am involved in an emotional affair with my x-husband....yes, I said x-husband....who wants me to be his friend/confidant but doesn't want to commit...hence, the ex-part......it has been incredably challenging for me to cut the ties because of our past relationship...so a word to the wise--the faster you do this--the more healthy you will become.
 
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Uncle Apple is offline Uncle Apple Post #5  July 30,2008, 3:33pm
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My guess would be that one difference between emotional and physical affairs, is that the emotional can be good, and result in a physical one with committment, even unexpectedly.Or turn into a power play. The emotional one often springs from friendship when respect, love, attarction, desire and friendship are intermixed. It can be a sign of being ready for commitment, and/or something more. The key word being can. But like chemical mixtures, you have to be careful, because if you're not, the result could be devastating. However, it can also be harmless addiction to one another.
 
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callmesassy is offline callmesassy Post #6  July 30,2008, 9:38pm
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All I have to say is that there was a reason this subject popped up for me to read. OH BOY... well, I find myself in a similar situation. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man however, my online "friend" is married. I never considered myself to be an enabler before but after reading this article I am exactly that. Now I have to find the courage to say farewell. Thank you for enlightening me.
 
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honey28 is offline honey28 Post #7  July 30,2008, 9:54pm

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Nothing to "decode" here!.....Just say No!!!!!!!!!!
 
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petalpusher is offline petalpusher Post #8  July 31,2008, 7:50am
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When my ex and I were still married and working through somemajor issues of trust and his addictions, he gained a "friend" (10 years older and an in the mental health field with similar addition problems) whom he would call every night and confided in as well as emailing I am sure. His "friend" told him that she had in-site into his marriage and he should leave me andour children2 and 5 yr. old as "she really loved him" and I didn't, because I expected him to make changes. They were confidantes on an level that I believe this article was based on. He left without an explanation and married her as soon as divorce was finale. She was very controlling always saying that she knew best and loved him more....


It still didn't keep him from doing the same things to her he had been doingto me and now she is divorcing him. He said to me recently that "that is a fine way for a person who says they love you to treat you". Don't you all just love the irony!
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #9  July 31,2008, 11:30am
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petalpusher,195423 wrote :

When my ex and I were still married and working through somemajor issues of trust and his addictions, he gained a "friend" (10 years older and an in the mental health field with similar addition problems) whom he would call every night and confided in as well as emailing I am sure. His "friend" told him that she had in-site into his marriage and he should leave me andour children2 and 5 yr. old as "she really loved him" and I didn't, because I expected him to make changes. They were confidantes on an level that I believe this article was based on. He left without an explanation and married her as soon as divorce was finale. She was very controlling always saying that she knew best and loved him more....


It still didn't keep him from doing the same things to her he had been doingto me and now she is divorcing him. He said to me recently that "that is a fine way for a person who says they love you to treat you". Don't you all just love the irony!
Thanks for sharing that story, This woman had so much insight into his marriage to you,but she didn't have enough "forsight to see what marriage to him would be like with her.
 
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petalpusher is offline petalpusher Post #10  July 31,2008, 1:17pm
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Sorry for all the misspellings and wrong words. Darn spell checker!
 
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