SingleFLMom is offline SingleFLMom Post #1  February 22,2012, 6:57am
SingleFLMom's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2011

Posts: 48

See profile

One of my close guy friends (no not interested in him for myself) started to see this chick that not only lives 4 hours away from him but is also going through a divorce that is not final. I told him to be careful because if her ex caught wind of this "relationship" it could cause her legal issues (there are two kids involved). Has he listened? Nope! He recently visited her and even went on a weekend trip with her. Oh and posted pics on Facebook of them together. I told him to be wary of being her rebound guy and he said he had brought it up to her and she said he wasn't. I asked if she planned on moving to be closer to him after its final and he said no and that he would consider moving somewhere near her next year.

I'm trying to be a good supportive friend but almost feel like I almost need to let my friend just sink on his own with this one because clearly nothing I say will get through to him. It just seems like its set up for failure. He's a great guy that deserves to find someone special. I love that he's happy but I feel like he's just gonna get hurt with this one.

Thoughts? Should I just keep my mouth shut and say nothing more to him about this??
 
  Reply With Quote
dmi is online now dmi Post #2  February 22,2012, 7:14am
dmi's Avatar

dreams of Pyramids and Empires

Power Poster

Joined: May 2010

East Coast

Posts: 5,795

See profile

Hard to say because you don't know all the details. Both of my parents dated while they were separated. They both knew it was over (really had been for a while); the 1 year separation was mostly a formality. Different people recover from divorces at different rates.
 
  Reply With Quote
shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  February 22,2012, 7:46am
shapeShifter7…'s Avatar

likes dancing!

Board Leader: Health & Wellness

Joined: Apr 2011

CA

Posts: 2,499

See profile

SingleFLMom wrote :
One of my close guy friends.. started to see this chick.. a divorce that is not final. I told him to be careful because if her ex caught wind of this "relationship" it could cause her legal issues
Florida is a no-fault state; this is only an issue if your friend's dating across state lines.

wrote :
I told him to be wary of being her rebound guy and he said he had brought it up to her and she said he wasn't.
That is a risk; it seems he's aware of it and believes other factors such as her quality as a partner outweigh it.

wrote :
I asked if she planned on moving to be closer to him after its final and he said no and that he would consider moving somewhere near her next year.
A good sign--they have an exit strategy for the LDR.

wrote :
I'm trying to be a good supportive friend but almost feel like I almost need to let my friend just sink on his own with this one because clearly nothing I say will get through to him.
Her recently exiting a relationship increases the risk that their relationship will fail, but it's by no means as certain as you imply ("sink on his own").

If you're a friend, get over the fact that he's an intelligent adult in his own right and respect his ability to make his own choices which are not the same as yours. You stated your objection. Now, as a friend, support him. For example, instead of "GASP! He posted the pics on Facebook ::throw hands up::".. explain how the privacy settings can restrict those photos to only friends (if, indeed, she lives in a fault / no-separation state).
Last edited by shapeShifter79; February 22,2012 at 7:48am.
 
  Reply With Quote
SingleFLMom is offline SingleFLMom Post #4  February 22,2012, 7:51am
SingleFLMom's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2011

Posts: 48

See profile

Thanks! They are dating across state lines. I totally forgot about the Facebook picture privacy settings. I just know how some divorces can get pretty ugly and wanted to make sure that he didn't jeopardize anything for her. And I know how sometimes when you fall for someone hard it's difficult to think rationally.
 
  Reply With Quote
jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #5  February 22,2012, 8:03am
jimmyh452's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2011

Bean Town

Posts: 1,512

See profile

This is one of those things where, despite good intentions, it's just not your place to press the issue. You've made your thoughts clear, and now it's none of your business. Sometimes you really do need to just let people make their own mistakes. He'll end up resenting you if you keep pushing the issue. I'd only offer input when asked from now on.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  February 22,2012, 8:42am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

One fast way to lose a friend is to judge who they are dating as not good enough and actually say so. Being a good friend sometimes means knowing when to keep your thoughts to yourself and to offer opinions, support, and advice only when asked for it. Right now he is on cloud nine and is not interested in your negative views and doom and gloom attitude. So you can try and press the issue and lose a friend or you can back off and support whatever dating choices he makes. Remember that it's his life to live, not yours.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #7  February 22,2012, 9:02am
Harryoss's Avatar

chooses his words carefully. (Most of the time!)

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2010

Los Angeles, CA (SF Valley)

Posts: 1,176

See profile

You are his friend. Your job is not to dictate what he should or should not do. Your job is to POINT OUT to him the things you believe he should consider (which he might not have because he's smitten) and advise caution by pointing out the possible consequences, and then support him in whatever he decides to do.
 
  Reply With Quote
emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #8  February 22,2012, 9:08am
emma_hazards's Avatar

Perky!

Veteran

Joined: Sep 2011

Posts: 1,911

See profile

I'm sure you mean well, but it's his life, and he's a competent adult, not a five-year old child.

You pointed out the potential issues. Great. Continuing to pester him to do what you want with his life? Not so good. You've overstepped your bounds as a friend and are now just meddling in his life. Let him be. He's happy. She's happy. So be happy for them. And if it ends, be there to provide a supportive shoulder (and not to rub in that you were right and he was wrong). That's what good friends do.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  February 22,2012, 9:17am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,317

See profile

There doesn't have to be romantic interest to feel the pangs of jealousy now that he is going to be confiding in her, spending time with her and is head over heels about her..

He is an adult, so is she ..what ever "risks" they are taking they do so as informed adults. They full well know that people date while legally separated...Her children and her divorce are her concern, not his.

Trashing her and disrespecting his choices and budding romance is not going to make her less appealing to him. He doesn't care that she's long distance or not divorced yet, he's apparently happy at the moment.

Best to let him / them sort it out....Good Luck..
SingleFLMom wrote :
One of my close guy friends (no not interested in him for myself) started to see this chick that
He recently visited her and even went on a weekend trip with her. Oh and posted pics on Facebook of them together.
 
  Reply With Quote
SingleFLMom is offline SingleFLMom Post #10  February 22,2012, 9:35am
SingleFLMom's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2011

Posts: 48

See profile

Thanks guys! You've all pointed out what I was planning on doing. I definitely wish him the best in whomever he chooses to date. I'll definitely not say anything else about it unless he is actually seeking out advice from me.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Boyfriend with trust issues | Relationships | Need advice on a weekend setback »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Is this relationship doomed? tangochef Relationships 22 December 14,2011 5:24am
Relationship doomed by emotional instability macgeek Relationships 14 June 25,2010 10:54pm
Maybe I'm doomed to be single forever now? moozic Ask a Dating Expert 36 March 15,2010 4:55pm
Am I doomed? jmgb Dating 13 February 4,2010 10:40am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:04am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0