AWright is offline AWright Post #1  February 22,2012, 6:34am
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I seem to have proverbially "shot myself in the foot" and I am not sure what to do about it.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 5 years. Before I moved in, I would spend a few days a week at his place. I like things to be neat... he tends to be a little on the messy side, so when I would show up to his place, I would clean up. I enjoy cooking and baking, so I would cook and bake. All in all I was a nice little housewife. Ha ha. I should also clarify that, at that point in time, I worked in sales, basically spent 25-30 hours a week "working" (I use the term loosely since it was such a low stress job) and had plenty of free time to hang out with friends and date my boyfriend.

So.... fast forward to the present. I work full time as a paralegal (40+ hours a week), babysit on occasion ( I love kids and it's great vacation / play money) and try to see friends at least one night a week. In addition, I am a member of a social club that meets once a week. Needless to say, this has taken a major toll on my ability to be a domestic goddess.

Boyfriend has told me that sometimes he feels like he got sold on a premise that I would be cooking and cleaning and generally keeping up the house, and now that I am not, he feels shortchanged. Don't get me wrong, I don't get the impression that this is a deal breaker for him.... in one heated argument I asked if he wanted me to move out and he said "Of course not!", but I still feel like this is an issue that really bothers him. He does help out, and it's not like he grumbles about it or anything, but he certainly does not help out to the extent that it takes too much off of my plate..... for example, I might clean the house, but then he will sweep and vacuum. So he does some, but not a lot in all honesty.

I don't know how I am supposed to be superwoman here. I have A LOT on my plate, and being home to clean and cook, or staying up late to at least clean is going to put some serious strain on me. We both agreed to start having a house cleaner come once a month, so that will take some of the pressure off, but basically I feel like I have to do it all.... that he EXPECTS me to do it all since that is pretty much what he thought I would do.

I have tried explaining where I am coming from, and how my work schedule it different and blah blah blah, but when it comes down to it, I told him I was a "good southern woman" and that is what he wanted. Now I am acting like a "crazy career lady" and he wants a housewife. Ideally I would like to be both but I have yet to see any pigs fly I have point blank asked him, "so you expect me to do it all then?" and his response is always "I don't mind helping, but you did say that was what you were going to do"..... Grrr. He is, unfortunately, correct on this issue.

Any advice on how to juggle this, or maybe on how to get a little more understanding from him would be appreciated. Thanks
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #2  February 22,2012, 9:15am
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Does he pay more for household expenses than you do? If you split the expenses down the middle, then he's unreasonable for expecting you to do all the housework. That said, his expectations are based on what you told him you'd be willing and able to do, and now that's changed and from what I can surmise from reading between the lines, without any input from him.

I'm not saying I agree with his perspective on who should do the housework in any way because I certainly don't, but I do think he expects what he expects because that's what you told him to expect.

It seems to me that the shortest path to dealing with the immediate problem (getting housework done) is to outsource, which is what you're doing by having a cleaner come once a month. Although that'll help alleviate the symptoms, it's not going to address the underlying problem, which is that you both need to be willing to work as a team within the relationship. I don't see any teamwork at all at this point, just each of you stating what you want and/or need and hardening in your positions, without much effort to see the other person's perspective or empathize with the other person's feelings.

Without both of you being willing to shift your orientation from me/him to us as a unit, I suspect that resentment will continue to grow on both sides, and that will ultimately be detrimental to the relationship's well-being.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #3  February 22,2012, 9:38am
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Hi AWright and welcome to the Boards! There are really two related issues here, and unfortunately what I have to say will include some harsh truths.

I take it you are living together, but not married or engaged...after 5 years. What is your long-term goal? Is this it? If you break up, you have to scramble to find a place to live or go homeless?

Sounds like he got what he wanted, a maid with benefits. (Sorry if it sounds blunt, but it is what it is.) Did you? Well, your life circumstances have now changed. At this point, you have to do what all couples do if they are to be successful: learn to compromise. What you are requesting is perfectly reasonable btw, but you aren't in a relationship with me. And he is right to be unhappy. You very effectively set the expectation that he could expect a clean house from his girlfriend even though you worked. You now have to find a new arrangement that seems acceptable to both of you. If he wants you to take a less demanding job to be a better maid at home, how exactly will your reduced financial security be addressed, for example. Work something out if you don't want the relationship to disintegrate.

In the future, I would be careful about starting off a relationship as a boyfriend's maid/mother. He managed before you showed up, and he will do just fine once the relationship ends. There are other ways to show that you care about someone. Unfortunately, you got yourself into this predicament. Think about how you might avoid it next time around.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #4  February 22,2012, 9:44am
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Tell him to get off his butt and help out more around the house!

Your work and living situation has changed. But he still wants you as his full-time maid. You will have some hard choices about compatibility and compromise to make in the future (or larger expenditures to make on cleaning bills) if he won't pick up the slack.
 
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DaLocman is offline DaLocman Post #5  February 22,2012, 10:22am
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This is one of those complications of tradition in our times.

It's also a situation that is lacking in compromises as someone noted already.

Your boyfriend either is not keen enough to understand when you made a promise, it doesn't mean you'd be his maid and a doormat or he's got it firmly set in his mind that the womans' duty is so, even if you now have less traditional responsibilities.

I propose you be fully honest. Tell him you lied, that you cannot keep the promise, that you won't be treated and expected to manage so much. You want to see if a compromise can occur, that is what you do.

If he pushes the point that you are supposed to keep the promise then this means he is unwilling to agree or compromise.

If he is calm and willing to work on a new arrangement, then well, he's willing.

His response will be a firm indicator of what your future with him shall be.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #6  February 22,2012, 10:44am
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This seems like such an easy solution of sitting down together....writing out all the household chores/duties....and then figuring out who is good at what, who has time for what, and who will do each chore...

I mean..really...you threaten to move out over this?

When I was married...I chose some things that I really liked to do..which is dusting, laundry, organizing, paying bills, etc. He did things like vacuuming, power washing deck, cleaning garage, car maintenance. And then we split up other things...We would both cook when we both worked full time...and then I cooked more when I was off on medical leave...

I can't imagine about arguing about something so basic that just takes a conversation to sit down and work out between you two...Done and done..

I would assume that you do not want to get married and that living together is a choice for both of you. I hope that you have both worked out the larger details of finances where you both own the home and contribute to it so that it wouldn't be a situation where one person could just throw out the other in a moment of anger. As well as building your own credit by paying towards a mortgage...

Anyway...housework is just that....talk about it as adults and move on
 
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AWright is offline AWright Post #7  February 22,2012, 10:48am
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Ingy- It was the heat of the moment ! And I didn't threaten to move out... I just asked in a super pitiful pouty way if he WANTED me to move out. I didn't say I was proud of it

Totally right on the marriage assumption.

As I mentioned in my reply... he does do some things. It's just like there's this (largely unspoken) feeling like I am supposed to be doing it all. It really only comes up when we fight. That's when he plays the "it was so much nicer before you moved in, since you actually did stuff for me" card. Not cool and totally hurtful, but I feel like I can't really say anything about it cause I DID say I would do all this stuff.

Ladies, warn your daughters about this
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #8  February 22,2012, 10:58am
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AWright wrote :
Ingy- It was the heat of the moment ! And I didn't threaten to move out... I just asked in a super pitiful pouty way if he WANTED me to move out. I didn't say I was proud of it

Totally right on the marriage assumption.

As I mentioned in my reply... he does do some things. It's just like there's this (largely unspoken) feeling like I am supposed to be doing it all. It really only comes up when we fight. That's when he plays the "it was so much nicer before you moved in, since you actually did stuff for me" card. Not cool and totally hurtful, but I feel like I can't really say anything about it cause I DID say I would do all this stuff.

Ladies, warn your daughters about this
Hm. My BF is a "good southern man" (which I'm only bringing up because you described yourself as a "good southern woman"), but he knows that if he ever expected me to clean up after him, that expectation would quickly go where the sun don't shine.

Good luck in resolving this. I hope it works out well for you.
 
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AWright is offline AWright Post #9  February 22,2012, 10:58am
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Hi guys! Thanks for all the responses!

Let me see if I can clarify some things....

Barbarella- We split most of the expenses down the middle, and we individually pay for our cell phones, etc.

Emma- I was married in the past and don't really want to go that route again, so I am totally happy being an "unmarried" Believe me, you are preaching to the choir on the "don't become his maid" thing.... I kick myself all the time over this !

DaLocman- I did have that conversation with him. I told him that I really really really wanted to be superwoman, but that it just was not happening. I also said that I didn't set out to deceive him, but the situation changed and now it's just harder for me to keep up with it all.

It's not that he doesn't get that the situation has changed, it's like, "well, this is what you agreed to do". And it's also not like he NEVER helps out. It's just that there is this expectation hanging over my head and that is annoying.

In all honesty, there may be NOTHING I can do about it at this point besides having someone come and clean for me. And he is splitting that cost with me, so it's not like I have to foot the bill on my own. For the record, he was the one who suggested that we hire someone, and he did so on the premise that he knew I needed some help. I feel like I have kind of made him sound like a chauvinistic jerk, which is not the case He is a good guy, and we have a great relationship.

As a funny side note... he did tell me the other week that he wanted to do his own laundry (yes, I was doing that too, please don't yell at me) and I was like "Hallelujah!". Apparently I was not "putting things away in their proper places". Now guess what's left hanging all over our laundry room? Probably in the hopes that I will cave and clean up after him, since he has since commented that it wasn't really "that bad" when he had to go searching for stuff. Ha ha ha.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  February 22,2012, 10:59am
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A few questions to ponder...Does he own the house?...Do you pay half towards living expenses?...

If so is your name on the deed?... or are you paying down his mortgage, building up his credit and lowering his cost of living with your contribution?

If you move out his costs will go up significantly from not having your financial contribution, cleaning services,laundry services, take-out food, etc.....and he will have much less free time if he is handling all of it without a roommate-with-benefits.....so of course he wants you to stay..........

Hope it works out...Good Luck..
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barbarella_42 wrote :
Does he pay more for household expenses than you do? If you split the expenses down the middle, then he's unreasonable for expecting you to do all the housework.
 
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