pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #1  February 21,2012, 11:59am
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Hi everyone...

I have been dating this guy for a month, we are intimate and exclusive.

I like him, he likes me and we see each other at least 3 days a week.

Yesterday he offered some information that I had already noticed.... He told me he is not very verbally affectionate and that he finds awkward giving or receiving compliments.

He said he wanted to make it clear that it doesn't mean he is not interested in me, it was just who he was and wanted to let me know before I felt something was wrong between us ... (too late by the way... I already felt like that part was missing).

He tried to explain to me that maybe growing up as an only child and having a dad that was never affectionate with him might be a reason for him to be how he is... he also mentioned that he had a lot of insecurities about his looks (he is red head) when he was younger... but not so nowadays...

I just don't know what to think... maybe I'm thinking too much and I should wait and get to really know him... after all we barely know each other... by the way I am a very nurturing and affectionate partner once I am able to open up and that's the way I have been with him but he doesn't respond the same way, and that's what is missing...

I appreciate you taking the time to read all his long thread and look forward to your advice
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  February 21,2012, 12:04pm
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To me, one month in is still early enough that I would give it time to see if he becomes more comfortable with it over time. If it were me I probably would have expressed in that conversation that I appreciate his openness in sharing this. I'd express a willingness to take it at his pace but a hope we could both work to be more open and affectionate since verbal affection is important to me.
 
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Faraday is offline Faraday Post #3  February 21,2012, 12:07pm
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People express and understand love in different ways...For me, reading "The Five Languages of Love" completely changed the way I express love and how I ask to receive it. It might be a good read for you and your beau as well Good luck!
 
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pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #4  February 21,2012, 12:08pm
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boschimsp wrote :
To me, one month in is still early enough that I would give it time to see if he becomes more comfortable with it over time. If it were me I probably would have expressed in that conversation that I appreciate his openness in sharing this. I'd express a willingness to take it at his pace but a hope we could both work to be more open and affectionate since verbal affection is important to me.
Yes! you read my mind... That was exactly my answer... I thanked him for being honest with me and told him that for me is important... but that I understand how he feels... he said he is aware of this and that he tries and he is not the kind of person to say "this is how I am and I won't change" he says that he looks inside him all the time and tries to be a better person, as other people, friends and ex gf's have brought this issue up about him...

wish me luck
 
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MicMan is online now MicMan Post #5  February 21,2012, 12:11pm
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I can relate to this guy on a lot of levels. The fact that he took the time to tell you that about him was probably equally difficult and awkward for him.

The reality is if you decide to continue this relationship, you're probably both going to have to compromise on verbal affection. Also, don't forget to judge by his actions and not just by his words.
 
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pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #6  February 21,2012, 12:12pm
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Faraday wrote :
People express and understand love in different ways...For me, reading "The Five Languages of Love" completely changed the way I express love and how I ask to receive it. It might be a good read for you and your beau as well Good luck!

Thank you so much for this! I will read this book first and then I will try to give it to him in a very subtle way...

Men hate when we try to change them.. which Im not trying to, I would like him to be a more open self...
 
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pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #7  February 21,2012, 12:14pm
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MicMan wrote :
I can relate to this guy on a lot of levels. The fact that he took the time to tell you that about him was probably equally difficult and awkward for him.

The reality is if you decide to continue this relationship, you're probably both going to have to compromise on verbal affection. Also, don't forget to judge by his actions and not just by his words.
His actions say that he is into me and he is really awesome.. is only the verbal affection that is missing... and I don't mean saying I want him to say i love you.... but you know... to express something.. or to tell me I look pretty on my black dress... I like being with you.... I missed you, etc etc.... that kind of stuff is nice to hear
 
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Faraday is offline Faraday Post #8  February 21,2012, 12:21pm
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pink_tulip wrote :
Thank you so much for this! I will read this book first and then I will try to give it to him in a very subtle way...

Men hate when we try to change them.. which Im not trying to, I would like him to be a more open self...

I didn't mean for it to be taken in that context I just meant, read it if you'd like so that you can be more aware. The more aware we are of our motivations and our emotions the more we can control them.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  February 21,2012, 12:26pm
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I also would say that positive reinforcement, as long as it is not genuine or over the top, could go a long way. I've certainly had guys who were more reserved and when they pushed themselves out of their comfort zone I always made a point to let them know that I noticed and appreciated it. Generally I found that the more I noticed and gave them props for the fact they were trying, the more they seemed to in the future.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 21,2012, 12:29pm
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I hope he does change his ways ....He seems to be aware of it, but, change takes a long time. And please make no mistake you want him to change, even though you are saying you are not trying to. Saying "I would like him to be more open himself" means to put it as diplomatically as I can, "I need to him to change this behaviour" because he is himself, wide open when he is not verbally affectionate. You just want him to be something else.

Would you consider giving up expecting/wanting verbal compliments/affection just to be with him ? Probably not right ? This is a prettty major incompatibility if you ask me ....

You will either have to accept the fact that he won't ever be verbally affectionate, or be medoicre to modest for years to come, or you accept him for his other excellent qualitites and forgo verbal affection.

"That kind of stuff is nice to hear" will be a major need after the novelty of a new relationship wears off.

Good luck, and it looks like it is definitely worth trying, maybe you two can compromise somehow and make it work if he starts taking positive steps forward quickly. I just wanted to make it clear to you, that you are trying to change a man.
 
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