Boyfriend with trust issues


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Jessica29 is offline Jessica29 Post #1  February 21,2012, 11:32am
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Hi! I've been with my boyfriend for four years. We've had ups and downs of course, but neither of us has ever cheated (that I know of!) or done something seriously egregious that would warrant distrust.

My boyfriend has trust issues in general. It comes up sometimes with his friends (he doesn't talk about it to them, but he talks about it to me). He is not very close to his friends, he respects his parents a lot but is not really close to them either. I am his first serious girlfriend (we started dating when we were 18) and I am his closest confidante.

I love him and have tried to show him over the years that I am there for him. I have not always been the best girlfriend. Sometimes, he'll pull away from me/act mistrustfully toward me based on something I have done or said. Sometimes, it seems to come out of nowhere. It always involves testing me, questioning me or doubting me. In that moment, it feels like I've suddenly gone from his closest friend to his enemy. I can't believe he is STILL doing this after four years!

I am pretty close to the end of my rope. Are there any guys here who have had or know someone who has had trust issues, and overcome them? Or any girls who have gotten past this issue with their guy? I'm starting to worry that this is pretty hopeless............I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with mistrust between my partner and me.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  February 21,2012, 11:43am
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Hi jessica29,

Welcome to the eHA forums. You will get a lot of differing opinions on your questions here.

My personal one is to cut your losses and move on ...His ehaviour will wear anyone out, UNLESS he goes to counselling and tries to change his behaviour. And he will want to do this himself and work on it hard, and it will take time.

Depending on what you mean by, You weren't the best girl friend, you might never be able to gain his full trust regardless. Unless you like a project and believe in fixing your man, there doesn;t seem to ber an alternative, in my opinion of course.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  February 21,2012, 11:52am
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Jessica29 wrote :
I have not always been the best girlfriend. Sometimes, he'll pull away from me/act mistrustfully toward me based on something I have done or said.
You say you have not always been the best girlfriend, but you do not elaborate. You say you haven't gone as far as cheating on him, but has he ever caught you lying or being deceptive? If you have, lets not point all our fingers at him. It's sensible for him to be skeptical.

If you've always been honest with him, have you tried having a discussion. "Look, we've been together four years, and can you name a single time I've been less than truthful with you?" I probably wouldn't be willing to stick it out very long in this case.

If you haven't been honest, involving a counselor who can help you figure out how to rebuild trust in the relationship (which will involve work on both your parts) may be in order. How long ago you were dishonest and to what extent play a role, as well as what you've done since.

wrote :
I'm starting to worry that this is pretty hopeless............I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with mistrust between my partner and me.
Yeah. That would suck! I'd address the underlying issue or leave Dodge.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; February 21,2012 at 11:54am.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  February 21,2012, 11:54am
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He does not trust nor is close to anyone...parents, friends ....and that is his pattern for life......no it will not change.

Most of it has to do with control, thinking he always knows best and shutting people out of his controlled loner thinking.

Listen to his stories...are they often about the people around not being smart enough? Would he have always done it better?...

His "distrust" of you, interrogating you,etc...has nothing to do with anything you've done or said, he just blames his moody-broody behavior on you. He just wants to prove, no matter what.. that he is right.

Very difficult personality to deal with...never, ever take his accusations or withdrawals personally or react to them....Good luck..
Jessica29 wrote :
I've been with my boyfriend for four years.
He is not very close to his friends, he respects his parents a lot but is not really close to them either.

he'll pull away from me/act mistrustfully toward me based on something I have done or said. Sometimes, it seems to come out of nowhere. It always involves testing me, questioning me or doubting me.

I've suddenly gone from his closest friend to his enemy. I can't believe he is STILL doing this after four years!
 
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Jessica29 is offline Jessica29 Post #5  February 21,2012, 11:55am
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Hi Goomph, thanks for your response. Just to clarify what I meant about not having always been the best girlfriend, in case anyone else wonders what that means, I just mean in the first year or so that we were together, I wasn't "in" it as much as he was. I was in love, so was he, but I had parents who went through a VERY nasty divorce when I was a teenager, so I kept my distance a little. I didn't make him as a big of a priority in my life as he made me.

This hurt him a lot. I've since let down my guard and really tried to make him the #1 priority in my life. I'm not always perfect at it, but I try. That's what I mean by sometimes, it's based on something I've done. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  February 21,2012, 11:59am
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To me, a long term relationship with someone who has trust issues and doesn't make any concerted effort to address and change them would be a no go after a certain point. Four years is enough time to build some sort of trust so if it were still an issue I think at that point I would probably walk. Let's face it, most people are not perfect partners all the time so to me that is not an excuse for lack of trust. I would also say the fact that this is an issue not just with you but in his relationships in general would be a red flag for me.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  February 21,2012, 12:04pm
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Reread this and realize he has trained you to think he owns you and that you will "hurt him" if you do not put your world on hold for him.

If these supposed "hurtful" transgressions were having a life of your own....These are the tactics of someone possessive and self-centered.....

It's like a prison where you have to toe the line ...is that what you want?
Jessica29 wrote :
This hurt him a lot I've since let down my guard and really tried to make him the #1 priority in my life. I'm not always perfect at it, but I try.
 
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Jessica29 is offline Jessica29 Post #8  February 21,2012, 12:05pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
You say you have not always been the best girlfriend, but you do not elaborate. You say you haven't gone as far as cheating on him, but has he ever caught you lying or being deceptive? If you have, lets not point all our fingers at him. It's sensible for him to be skeptical.

If you've always been honest with him, have you tried having a discussion. "Look, we've been together four years, and can you name a single time I've been less than truthful with you?" I probably wouldn't be willing to stick it out very long in this case.

If you haven't been honest, involving a counselor who can help you figure out how to rebuild trust in the relationship (which will involve work on both your parts) may be in order. How long ago you were dishonest and to what extent play a role, as well as what you've done since.


Yeah. That would suck! I'd address the underlying issue or leave Dodge.

Hi, good point. I was dishonest a few times our first year together (relating to reasons I described above). It was sort of complex though.

Because I was his first girlfriend, and we were a lot younger then and more insecure, he sometimes felt insecure about the fact that I had serious boyfriends before him. He would sometimes ask me pretty intimate questions that I felt were inappropriate about my past relationships, and I sometimes (oh so regretfully!!) would lie so he would stop asking me. They were small lies about particular situations, but I was honest about them later and he was really hurt by them.

Please bear in my mind, we are both older and more mature now. He never asks questions like that anymore and realizes it was sort of immature to do that. It was definitely understandable to have some trust issues after our first year.................what's less understandable to me is that this was now 3 years ago and I have been 100% honest since.

He's acknowledged that he has trust issues, so, it's not just in my head, or just about me.
 
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Jessica29 is offline Jessica29 Post #9  February 21,2012, 12:08pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Reread this and realize he has trained you to think he owns you and that you will "hurt him" if you do not put your world on hold for him.

If these supposed "hurtful" transgressions were having a life of your own....These are the tactics of someone possessive and self-centered.....

It's like a prison where you have to toe the line ...is that what you want?
Umm sooo...that's sort of...wholly inaccurate. No, my life is not a prison. No, he is not self-centered and this isn't about not having a life of my own.

I didn't do a good enough job of prioritizing him my first year, period. That was a fair complaint of his at the time. He just has trust issues. This isn't like...some evil, manipulative, sociopathic thing.................
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 21,2012, 12:12pm
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I was going to type something VERY similar to what Wiseman2 wrote. You need to realize that a relationship is a two way street. You thinking you need to and try to make him your #1 priority in your life, but realize you are not always perfect in doing so, but you try, are VERY alarming ...

I see a controlling man in action, using your love for him and his so called not able to trust people, to manipulate you.

Please read all the comments above very carefully ...

As I said in my first post, move on .... you will only be glad you did.

Also, you parents were going through a nasty divorce, and you were affected, so you couldn't give your WHOLE attention through that catasrophy to him makes you think you weren't a good girl friend ? Where was he when you needed him except demanding your time while you were going through a very difficult time.


Wiseman2 wrote :
Reread this and realize he has trained you to think he owns you and that you will "hurt him" if you do not put your world on hold for him.

If these supposed "hurtful" transgressions were having a life of your own....These are the tactics of someone possessive and self-centered.....

It's like a prison where you have to toe the line ...is that what you want?
 
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