suzyque is online now suzyque Post #1  February 20,2012, 9:19am
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I am just curious as to what others think of 40 somethings that have never been married before. There are a fair number of people in online dating that list never married. Why have they never taken the ultimate commitment? If I have marriage on my mind who's to say I would be the one to finally get them to walk down the aisle? Many of the men are attractive, have good jobs and seem intelligent based on their profile.

I admit I'm not proud of these biases but, nevertheless, I can't help but feel this way. By the way, I am not actively participating in online dating at this point, but still get lists of matches sent to me.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  February 20,2012, 10:14am
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So you think it's better when someone promised 'till death do us part and then broke it? Couldn't manage to make a relationship work? Committed today and gone tomorrow chasing some fairy tale perfection? I think it's really easy to be judgmental in either direction. However, the key to success is the ability to evaluate each person as the individual they are and start them out on a clean slate without assorted prejudices clouding your judgment.

For instance, I'd look at a guy who spend a long time in school working on his degrees and then building a company very differently than someone who's been working a 9-5 job since high school claiming that he just hasn't met the one. One may have been focused on other things in life and has now reached a point where his focus is shifting whereas the latter likely has commitment issues.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  February 20,2012, 10:23am
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Most divorced people who go on to a "never-again" stance and live in only situations have this exact sentiment. It makes their mistakes seem as if it were a failed success by pointing fingers at others ...Very common...There is no "better than" situation....They all have their reasons .
suzyque wrote :
I admit I'm not proud of these biases
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  February 20,2012, 10:44am
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suzyque wrote :
I am just curious as to what others think of 40 somethings that have never been married before. There are a fair number of people in online dating that list never married. Why have they never taken the ultimate commitment? If I have marriage on my mind who's to say I would be the one to finally get them to walk down the aisle? Many of the men are attractive, have good jobs and seem intelligent based on their profile.

I admit I'm not proud of these biases but, nevertheless, I can't help but feel this way. By the way, I am not actively participating in online dating at this point, but still get lists of matches sent to me.
I've been divorced 10 years and actively dated through most of my 40s. I never got past a first date with a never-married guy. I also did not connect well with guys who had no kids. It was more a function of not having shared similar life experiences.

I do know a man in his 60s, never married, and is the ultimate poster child for commitment phobes. I have dated a few guys who also seemed to fit that mould. They definitely do exist. I would not go so far as to say that applies to all never-married people. My cousin, for example, married in his 40s (never married until that point) and he and his wife now have two little kids.
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #5  February 20,2012, 11:04am
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I would not go so far as to say that applies to all never-married people. My cousin, for example, married in his 40s (never married until that point) and he and his wife now have two little kids.




Right, that I know. I guess you have to date them, get to know them, and risk getting your heart broken to find the ones like your cousin.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  February 20,2012, 11:50am
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suzyque wrote :
I would not go so far as to say that applies to all never-married people. My cousin, for example, married in his 40s (never married until that point) and he and his wife now have two little kids.




Right, that I know. I guess you have to date them, get to know them, and risk getting your heart broken to find the ones like your cousin.
...ummm what on earth makes you think that a divorced guy who may still deep down inside be smarting from his divorce won't string you along for as long as he can and then dump you? This line of reasoning that divorced people are not afraid to commit is the most baffling, irrational line of thinking that I see on these boards. Whether someone sees you as the right woman to marry and actually wants to marry, has nothing whatsoever to do with their past relationship history.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #7  February 20,2012, 2:01pm
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After a couple failed relationships/attempts I quit dating never married bachelors over 40 and took a good hard look at the half dozen other men I knew in that scenario.

I decided for me, my life, my kid, it wasn't worth the time/chance when there were so many great divorced dads already out there.
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #8  February 20,2012, 3:28pm
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DancingFool wrote :
...ummm what on earth makes you think that a divorced guy who may still deep down inside be smarting from his divorce won't string you along for as long as he can and then dump you? This line of reasoning that divorced people are not afraid to commit is the most baffling, irrational line of thinking that I see on these boards. Whether someone sees you as the right woman to marry and actually wants to marry, has nothing whatsoever to do with their past relationship history.

I understand your view. As a single person I would 10 times rather date a never married 40 something, then my cheating ex who was in a 17 year marriage and has zippo problems committing to another marriage. But when we know nothing else about a man but what is on their profile, it is easy to weed out a bit. Maybe it is more common with females to be leery. I'm assuming you are a man, what do you think when you see women that are in their 40's and never married?

I also have thought of the possibility these men have been in long term relationships, and very likely, live in relationships.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  February 20,2012, 3:40pm
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suzyque wrote :
I understand your view. As a single person I would 10 times rather date a never married 40 something, then my cheating ex who was in a 17 year marriage and has zippo problems committing to another marriage. But when we know nothing else about a man but what is on their profile, it is easy to weed out a bit. Maybe it is more common with females to be leery. I'm assuming you are a man, what do you think when you see women that are in their 40's and never married?

I also have thought of the possibility these men have been in long term relationships, and very likely, live in relationships.
LOL....what a wild assumption and thanks for a good laugh. Last time I checked, I was all woman.

Speaking from my very own female perspective and life experience, it's all six of one and half a dozen of the other. You can't look at someone's relationship history and find guarantees that your relationship will work out with him. All you can really do is get to know him and figure out what hangups he actually has, if any.

Just look around these boards. So many threads posted about the guy being divorced, telling her that he will re-marry and then.... he is changing his tune on her and just wants a live in thing after stringing her along for a few years. No guarantees with anyone and it's folly to try and look for it. Much better off evaluating each person individually.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #10  February 20,2012, 4:40pm
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I am very skeptical of men in their 40's or older who have never been married. I do prefer someone who was married and divorced. At least they made the big leap once.

In my experience, every man I've dated age 40 or over and never married has very good reasons for being single his whole life. And those reasons are what makes him undateable for long-term relationships, whether fear of commitment, inability to compromise, disinterest in a serious relationship, etc.
 
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