Odd Relationship with Friend- Advice?


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MissMini is offline MissMini Post #1  February 9,2012, 8:53pm
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Hello eHarmony. My first post... I don't know where else to turn except the internet. I'm not so happy with myself...

I'm a quiet, but friendly sort of person. I have a wide group of friends, but very few people do I ever feel comfortable with sharing feelings. I normally keep those to myself, which is probably the reason why I've never had a real relationship and I'm 21...

But there is one male friend that I've found myself spilling my heart out to. I have NEVER had someone other than my mother or sisters that I've been able to do that to. He doesn't judge my harshly. And even after I think I've weirded him out, he still has no issue hanging around me. We go to parties, clubs, and eat out together with other friends or just us two. But then things start to get... odd.

He is in a relationship (albeit, a very long-distance one) with someone else and yet admits that he is attracted to me as well as her. I'm attracted to him too, but also like our friendship. I cherish that more than anything else. But twice have things gotten extremely..."physical". A part of me likes this very much, even though I'm not in a relationship with him. But I also feel like I'm assisting him to cheat on his actual girlfriend, which leaves me having mixed feelings of "she's not my problem" and "he's my friend, and even though he's the one initiating a physical relationship, this is bad". I should be refusing the physical part of the relationship but it's difficult. And it's getting worst. Texts, comments... I wouldn't mind them so much if it weren't for the fact he has a girlfriend.

I need advice. I don't know if he's playing me like a fiddle or if he really does care about me and accepts me more than someone he can use. He does seem genuine in his intentions (he's honest about everything) and does seem to care and respect me... but maybe I'm being naive, blind, and WAY too trusting. Help!
 
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dovegirl is offline dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  February 10,2012, 4:16am
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In my opinion, he is trying to, and you are very close to letting him, use you. Let him know that you consider yourself too good to be the "other woman". Because make no mistake, if he in fact does have a girlfriend but is fooling around with you on the side, that's what you are!

You need to be very clear about your personal morals and what is or is not okay with you. If you don't want to be involved in your friend cheating on his girlfriend, then you need to put a stop to ANY girlfriend/boyfriend behavior. This includes the physical stuff as well as spending other time just the two of you, as this could be a form of emotional cheating for him.

In my opinion he is using you as a stroke to his ego...his girlfriend isn't around and you give him attention. If I was in your situation I would consider myself better than that. I would tell him that if he wants a relationship with me to break it off with his girlfriend, but otherwise our interactions would have to be limited to group activities only.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  February 10,2012, 4:26am
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Let me see.

He has a girl friend.

And he is "messing" with you.

So you are the other girl.

DO you see yourself being that girl who goes out with boy friends of girls who are in a relationship with that man ?

I guess you know the answer. He is a low life for doing what he is doing. And if you want to continue to hang with him decides who you are.

Based on how you write, you are MUCH better then this ...Move on and never talk to him. He is not friend material either.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #4  February 10,2012, 5:33am
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MissMini wrote :
Hello eHarmony. My first post... I don't know where else to turn except the internet. I'm not so happy with myself...

I'm a quiet, but friendly sort of person. I have a wide group of friends, but very few people do I ever feel comfortable with sharing feelings. I normally keep those to myself, which is probably the reason why I've never had a real relationship and I'm 21...

But there is one male friend that I've found myself spilling my heart out to. I have NEVER had someone other than my mother or sisters that I've been able to do that to. He doesn't judge my harshly. And even after I think I've weirded him out, he still has no issue hanging around me. We go to parties, clubs, and eat out together with other friends or just us two. But then things start to get... odd.

He is in a relationship (albeit, a very long-distance one) with someone else and yet admits that he is attracted to me as well as her. I'm attracted to him too, but also like our friendship. I cherish that more than anything else. But twice have things gotten extremely..."physical". A part of me likes this very much, even though I'm not in a relationship with him. But I also feel like I'm assisting him to cheat on his actual girlfriend, which leaves me having mixed feelings of "she's not my problem" and "he's my friend, and even though he's the one initiating a physical relationship, this is bad". I should be refusing the physical part of the relationship but it's difficult. And it's getting worst. Texts, comments... I wouldn't mind them so much if it weren't for the fact he has a girlfriend.

I need advice. I don't know if he's playing me like a fiddle or if he really does care about me and accepts me more than someone he can use. He does seem genuine in his intentions (he's honest about everything) and does seem to care and respect me... but maybe I'm being naive, blind, and WAY too trusting. Help!
He's not being "honest about everything." He's cheating on his g/f, and I'll bet he hasn't been honest w/ her about it. He does not care or respect you or he would end one of the two "physical" relationships. He is being self-serving and he's lying and cheating.

You can rationalize/spin this however you wish. If you were the g/f how would you see it?
 
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MissMini is offline MissMini Post #5  February 10,2012, 5:54am
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Well, there is no way to argue around what you guys are saying, because you're right.

Before it got to the next level he was a hard-working and generally respectable guy. I still believe he can be, but what's going on isn't respectable... on his part or mine. Honestly, I want to try to maintain our friendship. That might sound like a stupid idea (and maybe I will see that it is in the future...), but perhaps if I set some boundaries with what we do it can still be a good friendship.

Also we work together AND share the same group of friends so if one of us has a fall-out, the entire group becomes awkward and uncomfortable. Work will become awkward and uncomfortable, and there is no running away or avoiding work.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #6  February 10,2012, 6:13am
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If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. Many men will do just about anything for sex.

Be a better person, and stop fooling around with someone else's boyfriend.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #7  February 10,2012, 6:29am
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A friend would talk to you without getting physical.

He's cheating on his girlfriend with you. He's not a trustworthy man, so I'd advise you not to try dating him. Find someone you don't have to worry about whenever you're out of town.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  February 10,2012, 7:27am
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It sounds like the two of you are in a relationship..physically, emotionally and socially.

Do they have an understanding about seeing other people while apart? Is she aware that the two of you are in a friends-with-benefits situation?...Perhaps she does the same in his absence.

He may be using you for FWB while she is absent... or... out of sheer frustration with long-distance.... lining you up and preparing to dump her. Discuss what he has in mind.

Mostly... be aware that he has a rather "open" definition of boundaries (love the one you're with).....and that if the long-distance thing pans out he will dump you...Good Luck..
MissMini wrote :
I'm 21...
there is one male friend that I've found myself spilling my heart out to. We go to parties, clubs, and eat out together with other friends or just us two.

But twice have things gotten extremely..."physical". A part of me likes this very much, even though I'm not in a relationship with him.

He is in a relationship (albeit, a very long-distance one) I wouldn't mind them so much if it weren't for the fact he has a girlfriend.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  February 10,2012, 7:38am
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He is cheating on his gf with you and you call him very honest??? Really? Wake up. What he is doing to her with you, he will do to you with someone else. If he was just such a great friend, he would not be getting physical with you. If he wanted to date and was an honorable and honest guy, he would have broken up with his long distance gf before he started in with anything with you.

You are knowingly being "that" girl messing around with someone's bf and you know it and are letting it/ encouraging it to happen. You've also shown him that you have zero self respect because you are just silently going along with this instead of demanding him to come clean and dump his gf before he does anything with you. You've shown him that you also lack certain values.

As others have written, chose who you want to be and make sure you can live with that.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #10  February 10,2012, 7:45am
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MissMini wrote :
...But there is one male friend that I've found myself spilling my heart out to. I have NEVER had someone other than my mother or sisters that I've been able to do that to. He doesn't judge my harshly. And even after I think I've weirded him out, he still has no issue hanging around me. We go to parties, clubs, and eat out together with other friends or just us two. But then things start to get... odd.

He is in a relationship (albeit, a very long-distance one) with someone else and yet admits that he is attracted to me as well as her. I'm attracted to him too, but also like our friendship. I cherish that more than anything else. But twice have things gotten extremely..."physical". A part of me likes this very much, even though I'm not in a relationship with him. But I also feel like I'm assisting him to cheat on his actual girlfriend, which leaves me having mixed feelings of "she's not my problem" and "he's my friend, and even though he's the one initiating a physical relationship, this is bad". I should be refusing the physical part of the relationship but it's difficult. And it's getting worst. Texts, comments... I wouldn't mind them so much if it weren't for the fact he has a girlfriend.

I need advice. I don't know if he's playing me like a fiddle or if he really does care about me and accepts me more than someone he can use. He does seem genuine in his intentions (he's honest about everything) and does seem to care and respect me... but maybe I'm being naive, blind, and WAY too trusting. Help!
First, welcome to the Boards, MissMini!

Now to your question--

Genuine? Honest? Respectful? Really? If his girlfriend knew what he was trying to start with you, do you think those are the words she would use. Would your mom or sisters use these adjectives about him if you shared what was happening?

The only person your "friend" cares about is himself. He is playing you--encouraging you to spill your secrets and feel vulnerable, having you feel complicit in his deceit (he hasn't hidden his girlfriend), accepting you despite all the flaws you feel you have, etc. You know that what is happening is clearly wrong. Yet, here you are rationalizing away what he is doing (e.g. I'm not the initiator, "she's not my problem," "he's my friend"). And why would he ever openly judge you? He'd never succeed in getting you out of your panties if he did. He's no dummy.

Rest assured that what he is now trying to do to his girlfriend, he will some day do to you. He is clearly demonstrating that he is not to be trusted. Why would you then entrust your heart to such a person? As soon as he started to get physical, I would have abandoned the "friendship."

...And you need a boyfriend. I think your loneliness made you vulnerable to his charms. Find someone who IS available, trustworthy, and actually honest.

Best of luck!
 
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