Odd Relationship with Friend- Advice?


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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #11  February 10,2012, 7:55am
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MissMini wrote :
Hello eHarmony. My first post... I don't know where else to turn except the internet. I'm not so happy with myself...

I'm a quiet, but friendly sort of person. I have a wide group of friends, but very few people do I ever feel comfortable with sharing feelings. I normally keep those to myself, which is probably the reason why I've never had a real relationship and I'm 21...

But there is one male friend that I've found myself spilling my heart out to. I have NEVER had someone other than my mother or sisters that I've been able to do that to. He doesn't judge my harshly. And even after I think I've weirded him out, he still has no issue hanging around me. We go to parties, clubs, and eat out together with other friends or just us two. But then things start to get... odd.

He is in a relationship (albeit, a very long-distance one) with someone else and yet admits that he is attracted to me as well as her. I'm attracted to him too, but also like our friendship. I cherish that more than anything else. But twice have things gotten extremely..."physical". A part of me likes this very much, even though I'm not in a relationship with him. But I also feel like I'm assisting him to cheat on his actual girlfriend, which leaves me having mixed feelings of "she's not my problem" and "he's my friend, and even though he's the one initiating a physical relationship, this is bad". I should be refusing the physical part of the relationship but it's difficult. And it's getting worst. Texts, comments... I wouldn't mind them so much if it weren't for the fact he has a girlfriend.

I need advice. I don't know if he's playing me like a fiddle or if he really does care about me and accepts me more than someone he can use. He does seem genuine in his intentions (he's honest about everything) and does seem to care and respect me... but maybe I'm being naive, blind, and WAY too trusting. Help!
Sorry....but this is not a good situation all around....He is in a relationship and yes...you are cheating with him...

If he does this on his girlfriend now....he would do this if you all were together...

You are not being a very good friend to him so that word is being used very loosely....A good friend would NEVER think of cheating....

Even if you both are attracted to one another, the mature and honest thing to do is encourage him to make a decision whether he wants to break up with his girlfriend....and then actually try dating you....The mature and honest part on him is to figure this out...

I will be blunt and say that it's extremely selfish of you both to just decide..."I want what I want when I want it and who cares if it hurts someone else"....

Learning to grow up and be an adult is making difficult decisions....I'll say it again..but a man who cheats with you...will do it again...Same thing with you....if you are ok with this...than what is stopping you from cheating again on a guy...

He's not "honest about everything"....Has he told his girlfriend that he has gotten physical with you? I don't think so....

I know it's hard at 21 to see things...but this really isn't a true and healthy friendship...Why not find a girlfriend that you can open up to and become close with and let this guy go and figure out his life....
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #12  February 11,2012, 1:12am
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suzyblueeyes wrote :
If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you.
^^^^This.

How would you feel if you were his girlfriend and you found out he was messing around with another woman?

I doubt that going back to being 'just friends' is going to work out for you. Rarely does this happen.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #13  February 11,2012, 6:02am
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As far as keeping him as a friend, my advice is no. Here's why.

I don't have friends who put me in the middle of their poor judgments and decisions. I prefer people who have the discernment to a) do the right thing and b) keep it to themselves if they do engage in a transgression.

'Friends' are people you can count on to have your best interests at heart. He's already proven that this isn't the case. The only interests he's really dedicated to are his own.

I agree with whoever said you are lonely and you've allowed that loneliness to make you a target for people like this. Changes are, you are his 'friend' because he was attracted to you in the first place and sensed that your situation would allow him the latitude to do what he's done.

I'd also advice you use some of the free time you'll have when you engage in zero contact to really explore your own values and determine what kind of person you want to be. Your choices and judgment in this seem to be impaired as well, since you see him as honest and respectful. Some clarification of your own character and values will help you avoid these situations.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #14  February 11,2012, 9:02am
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MissMini wrote :
He is in a relationship (albeit, a very long-distance one).. I'm attracted to him too, but also like our friendship. I cherish that more than anything else. But twice have things gotten extremely..."physical". I also feel like I'm assisting him to cheat on his actual girlfriend, which leaves me having mixed feelings of "she's not my problem" and "he's my friend, and even though he's the one initiating a physical relationship, this is bad"
MissMini, the other woman is not your problem as long as you've made no promises to her. What is your problem, is that your friend is okay "getting physical" with you when he's already in a relationship. In other words, he is a cheater. He's not relationship material. If you're looking for a bit of sex here and there I see no harm dipping into the waters. If you're looking for a relationship, stay away! This guy has already demonstrated that he's poor relationship material.

IngyTravel wrote :
You are not being a very good friend to him so that word is being used very loosely...
+1 to that, too. If a good friend were thinking of cheating, I would not help them, I would help them find the strength to leave the relationship that was unsatisfying to them and maintain their integrity. By getting physical with him, you're putting your immediate desires above his long-term well-being.

There's nothing wrong with that, but it does mean you're not a good friend to him.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; February 11,2012 at 9:10am.
 
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