tangochef is offline tangochef Post #1  February 9,2012, 6:57pm
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I have seen a great number of posts here in the last several months where it starts with "I am falling for him, and we have been on two-four dates..."

I am puzzled by this as it takes me a few months to get emotionally attached to someone where I'd consider myself "falling for her...".

Now, yes I can develop a healthy interest in someone after a few dates where I'd want to keep seeing more of them. However, if the next day they said goodbye I would feel regret more for not having further opportunity to develop something than because I have an emotional bond.

So, what do you guys think? When do you start developing an emotional bond with someone you are dating?
 
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annika-lee is offline annika-lee Post #2  February 9,2012, 7:14pm
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I fall in lust instantly, form an emotional attachment within a few months, but it can take me a long time to feel true love for someone.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  February 9,2012, 7:34pm
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Chemistry is instant for me...but to ever say I was "falling for them" which to me actually means falling in love....this is many, many months down the road....5 or 6....

From the first date until that time I am always just exploring, getting to know them, looking to see if we have a real physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection. This take time...

I need to see how we are doing the mundane things of life together....how do we handle a heated disagreement...are we meshing with our sexual adventurous natures?

So...to me...I am not getting attached in any way from dates 1 to 6....Many people re-evaluate things after date 1....date 3.....then after 3 months...and then 6 months...then a year to really see if there is marriage possibility...

But after a few dates....nahh...I'm sure we had a great time...but we still barely know each other and I can wish them well easily...it just wasn't a match...
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #4  February 9,2012, 7:35pm
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It all depends on the guy. If the chemistry is surreal, he's incredibly thoughtful and kind, and we really connect, it can be as early as Date 5 or so. The attachment continues to grow with each passing day and eventually transitions from pure attraction, to caring for the person, to true love.

With some guys, on the other hand, I just never get attached. I like them, I'm attracted to them, we have a great time, but I can walk away without a thought. In those cases, I'm out on a date with someone new within a day of our break-up. Often what prompts the break-up is they fall in love, and I know I'll never get there.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #5  February 10,2012, 1:28am
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It takes months for me. All that "falling for" in early dates is just lust.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  February 10,2012, 3:50am
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Months ..... First few dates I am looking for red flags, the next few I am looking for signs of what might not work in long term etc .... It is like looking for all the wrong things, cynical actually if you think about it.
 
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dovegirl is offline dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  February 10,2012, 4:06am
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It's months for me as well, anywhere from 3 to 6 usually. Although, with most of my long term relationships, there's been that feeling during the first conversation or meeting of having known them for a long time and feeling incredibly comfortable around them. For me that is a sign of good relationship material and I get excited, but I still wouldn't consider myself as "falling for them". Falling in love should take time, otherwise it's really just lust or otherwise superficial.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #8  February 10,2012, 5:46am
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emma_hazards wrote :
It all depends on the guy. If the chemistry is surreal, he's incredibly thoughtful and kind, and we really connect, it can be as early as Date 5 or so. The attachment continues to grow with each passing day and eventually transitions from pure attraction, to caring for the person, to true love.

With some guys, on the other hand, I just never get attached. I like them, I'm attracted to them, we have a great time, but I can walk away without a thought. In those cases, I'm out on a date with someone new within a day of our break-up. Often what prompts the break-up is they fall in love, and I know I'll never get there.
This ^

Although, I have (and only on a couple of occasions) felt that surreal connection sooner than the 5th date. I don't equate it to love (it's definitely not), but I realize it's the 'feeling' I am looking for and the chemistry/connection I need to move the relationship (if there is to be one) forward. So, while losing it would be disappointing (b/c it's so rare for me to find), it's not that I've fallen for him and will forever be heartbroken by the loss.


Goomph wrote :
Months ..... First few dates I am looking for red flags, the next few I am looking for signs of what might not work in long term etc .... It is like looking for all the wrong things, cynical actually if you think about it.
I'm not criticizing your process, as we all have our own way. That said, how do you get to "months" w/ all the negative/cynical analyzing? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it seems you might be taking all the 'fun' out of dating looking for every imperfection (and we all have them). It seems very impersonal/clinical... I think you'd be hard-pressed to find many (if any) women willing to endure months of this analysis.
Last edited by Special-K; February 10,2012 at 5:54am.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  February 10,2012, 7:01am
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I think you'll find the whole forum has people talking about "red flags" so Goooph sounds like he's doing what everyone else does - a clinical analysis of the potential of a relationship.

As for "I think you'd be hard-pressed to find many (if any) women willing to endure months of this analysis" - unless he is giving them feedback daily/weekly or monthly on how they are scoring, why would they know?
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #10  February 10,2012, 7:20am
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It is good to remind yourself that there are red flags to avoid. For example, I know there's something appealing about men who use negs. When you get them, it feels like you've won something. The problem is that they can take that feeling away whenever they choose, and they do. I kept that at the forefront of my mind when communicating with any possible dates.

Red flags can be invisible when the guy is cute unless you're consciously reminding yourself.

I don't know how long it takes to fall in love. I know I prefer to feel something intense right away, and then follow it up to see if it wears off or not.

It did seem to take more than a few dates for me to realize that if it didn't work out, I'd be hurt though. Until then, there's the possibility of love, but it's not there yet.

It does feel like falling, or flying, since it's a little nerve wracking to feel more and more attached to someone else.
 
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