stag is offline stag Post #1  February 9,2012, 5:51pm
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I have in a relationship for going on 11 months. Everything has been going fine.

We are both near 50 and truly seem meant for each other. My question is about marriage.

She shared with me, because of insecurities, she was hoping we could get engaged. I have thought many times we would get to that point. I just felt it may be a little early.

I know every couple is different. But I was wondering if people thought her thoughts were within reason or is it early and she is actually showing a posessive side ? Can true love still foster this kind of subtle pressure ?

She says she intellectually knows that we have plenty of time but those are her feelings.

Is it within the norm for a girl at this point to expect this from a guy ?? All comments please.

I love her. Maybe I just have a case of cold feet...
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #2  February 9,2012, 6:09pm
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That's cool that you have aged backwards in 2012 as your last post about engagement timetables you said you were 51 (Just teasing you)...

I think we need a bit more about your comment saying that "because of her insecurities" she wants to get engaged....What does that mean?

Also...this is the third thread about engagement you have written..

One on October 3rd, then in Dec. and now in Feb...It's strange every two months this has been weighing on you....

It's really up to each person...but is it mostly her that has been pushing this since October?

And...are you all intimate now or waiting for marriage? I know you've both been married before....but I'm curious of what the "rush" is...
Last edited by Ingytravel; February 9,2012 at 6:12pm.
 
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ClaireH is offline ClaireH Post #3  February 9,2012, 8:22pm
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Well, I personally think engagement/marriage can address someone's insecurities. Have you asked her how exactly the engagement would resolve that?

More importantly, what are you going to do if she still feels insecure after the engagement?
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #4  February 9,2012, 11:28pm
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never let another push you to a place you do not want to be.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  February 10,2012, 2:36am
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It sound as though this woman has some resolve about her future and would prefer straight answers from you. If you do not wish to remarry for whatever reason then it is unfair to string anyone along....and it is best to be honest..

People to not have to be "insecure" or "possessive" to be open to remarrying. After close to a year her asking where things stand and what her feelings about the future are is appropriate.

Tell her the truth if you do not see remarrying in your future...you should not feel pressured and she should not be led on....Good Luck...
stag wrote :
I have in a relationship for going on 11 months. We are both near 50
She shared with me she was hoping we could get engaged.
Maybe I just have a case of cold feet...
stag wrote :
I think she feels like she wants more assurance. My question is when is it tme to propose and when does just being together start to possibly make someone feel like they are just being lead on ??
I realize every relationship is unique. I just want to do right by her. I definetly see us getting married at some point. Thanks.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #6  February 10,2012, 3:13am
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stag wrote :
I have in a relationship for going on 11 months. Everything has been going fine.

We are both near 50 and truly seem meant for each other. My question is about marriage.

She shared with me, because of insecurities, she was hoping we could get engaged. I have thought many times we would get to that point. I just felt it may be a little early.

I know every couple is different. But I was wondering if people thought her thoughts were within reason or is it early and she is actually showing a posessive side ? Can true love still foster this kind of subtle pressure ?

She says she intellectually knows that we have plenty of time but those are her feelings.

Is it within the norm for a girl at this point to expect this from a guy ?? All comments please.

I love her. Maybe I just have a case of cold feet...
For me, as a divorced father of young children, I would want to be dating a woman for 18-24 months before making a decision about marriage. I tell women about that timeline fairly early, so that there are no false expectations. I would see it as a serious red flag if, despite being told about my timeline, a woman began pressuring me for a significant accelleration of that timeline (absent extreme circumstances).

Presumably, you've had a discussion with this woman about the timeframe that you consider reasonable for marriage. I would be concerned that she's too insecure to respect that timeframe. I wish you the best.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  February 10,2012, 3:46am
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I agree with below and whan I am told they are ready and want to be married in the next 6 months, I recite it. And that IS when I would be making the decision, not being married.

No one should be pressured to get married. Anyone doing so is manipulating their partner. People do not get married because one person wants it, because they both want it ...

Good luck with this !

P.S. External stimuli rarely solve any insecurities any person might have.

Mike74 wrote :
I would want to be dating a woman for 18-24 months before making a decision about marriage.
 
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dovegirl is offline dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  February 10,2012, 4:33am
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I'm going to approach this from a slightly different angle. You've said that you have thought many times that eventually you two would get married. If that is the case, then what is the hang-up on getting engaged? If you become engaged it doesn't mean that you will then have to get married the next month...you can have a long engagement period if that makes you more comfortable (I myself have been engaged for over a year with no wedding planning in sight, so it does happen )

Unless, of course, it is the marriage part that you are really unsure about. And if, after almost a year, you don't see yourself as headed toward marriage, you should tell your girlfriend this so that she can move on.

As to the specific timetable, that will change for everyone, there is no "right" or "wrong" relationship time to be engaged. I personally believe a couple should see each other in all seasons (meaning at least a year) before considering engagement, and I am more comfortable with 1.5 to 2 years. But that's me.
 
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stag is offline stag Post #9  February 10,2012, 4:46am
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Hey , I am getting younger We have been intimate and have definetly had conversations about spending our lives together.

Unfortunately I did not discuss a timeline when we first got together. We had conversations about both of us being open to marriage but I never said anything about waiting beyond any timeframe. She actually told me yesterday if I did mention something like that early on she would be at ease.

She does have insecurities but it seems like without this timeframe she thinks the future is too ambiguous. I dont think she is in a rush as much as just doesnt want to be spinning her wheels .

Even though we both must be comfortable with marriage. It sounds like I am at error by not discussing some type of timeframe early on.

I NEVER want to be manipulated. But am I correct that without this original time frame, she is not manipulating , she is actually just wanting to be fair to herself ?? Thnaks everyone.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  February 10,2012, 7:27am
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No, I don't think she is manipulating at all. If you have only been very vague about your relationship and where it's going if anywhere, it's quite natural that she wants to know where you actually stand. A year is more than enough time to know whether you want to be with this person or not really. It seems to me that marriage to her is important and she is not willing to stay in a forever dating or live in type of a relationship. That's a values situation. If your values and relationship goals do not match, she needs to move on and find someone who is on the same page. That's being fair both to you and herself. There are people out there who are very content with a dating relationship and do not ever want to get married and that's fine. There are also people who are not even remotely comfortable with that and that's fine too. There is no right or wrong, just the fact that you both need to be on the same page about it and talk about it.
 
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