Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #11  February 10,2012, 10:49am
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I'm with the poster that said they'd like to know a person in every season. I'd like to see them in every season at least five or six times so as to get a good average, as maybe they would only be good in the winter and spring. The autumn is very important to me and they would need to score very high on autumns to pass. Winters can take a low score - not a fail score, though - as winter is duller than dull.

Seriously OP, what do you want? Life's ticking on by.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #12  February 10,2012, 1:01pm
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Ephemera--You are way too rash for me. I think a decade's worth of each of the four seasons is the bare minimum and far more sensible. It will give you a more reliable estimate. Being asked to make a decision any sooner is just too pushy and manipulative. I have to judge whether my potential mate is patient and can deal with my interminable indecision. I also need to see how he handles the possibility of dropping dead while he waits.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #13  February 10,2012, 2:24pm
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And I'll need to see how the equipment holds up in all kinds of weather and through all the decades. Yes, thank you, I was being rash.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #14  February 10,2012, 3:34pm
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OP There's nothing wrong with giving her a timeline that you are comfortable with if it will reassure her. Just be honest and say that you do see yourself married again one day and she is the girl you've got in mind, but you'd like to spend another 6 mos or year together or whatever it is that makes you comfortable before making it permanent.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #15  February 10,2012, 3:45pm
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It does seem a bit strange as you have been married before so it's not like you are a single guy at 40 that has never been married and doesn't believe in it or is afraid of commitment. So this is why I am wondering why she has been mentioning this since October...

Or was that you that just started toying with the thought on your own?

I am concerned over the term "insecurities" that you used to describe her need for engagement. I know she is a widow...Do you feel that she took appropriate time and seems to be at peace with all of that? Or is that driving her need for some "permanence"?

What doesn't make sense...is that someone who has gone through that...is even more knowledgeable that anything can happen in life no matter what the plans are...

If it was almost a year and this conversation was just coming up between you two...this would be one thing as that is a regular time frame, (around a year, year and a half), to start wondering if you all see a future...but since I mentioned, this is your 3rd post since October about the subject...

It really boils down to whether you all are on the same page...and whether you can see yourself with this woman long term/married....even if you aren't ready quite yet to propose...at least talking with her and saying that your timeline is "x"..and see how she feels..
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #16  February 10,2012, 4:24pm
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stag wrote :
Hey , I am getting younger We have been intimate and have definetly had conversations about spending our lives together.

Unfortunately I did not discuss a timeline when we first got together. We had conversations about both of us being open to marriage but I never said anything about waiting beyond any timeframe. She actually told me yesterday if I did mention something like that early on she would be at ease.

She does have insecurities but it seems like without this timeframe she thinks the future is too ambiguous. I dont think she is in a rush as much as just doesnt want to be spinning her wheels .

Even though we both must be comfortable with marriage. It sounds like I am at error by not discussing some type of timeframe early on.

I NEVER want to be manipulated. But am I correct that without this original time frame, she is not manipulating , she is actually just wanting to be fair to herself ?? Thnaks everyone.
I think you can give her some comfort now by simply discussing with her a reasonable timeframe. It is understandable that you don't want to be pushed into anything; by the same token, she doesn't want to invest too much time in someone who does not share her goals. Have a conversation, and be prepared to stick to the timeframe that you agree upon.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #17  February 11,2012, 12:22am
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stag,
I had forgotten you had posted a couple of times about this lady you are dating and that she is a widow (Thanks, Ingy, for reminding us of that). I don't think she is trying to manipulate you into something for which you may not be ready, but rather since she is a widow, she is acutely aware that time ticks on for all of us.

You both are 50, so you're not youngsters anymore. You are both at an age when you should be able to recognize love when you see it. If you hadn't previously discussed a time frame when you discussed marriage in the past, she is well within bounds to ask about your intentions. She realizes that at 50, she doesn't want to waste another year of her life and still have the same question before her.

The time frame for becoming engaged is not what is important here. It is that you discuss and communicate clearly what you believe is appropriate for a time frame in which you take the next step in this relationship. What is important is that you both discuss your expectations and hers. If you are not in alignment, and it turns out that you will never be in alignment, it is appropriate for her to be able to make an informed decision regarding her participation in the relationship.

I also was widowed, and certainly not wanting to 'waste time' was a factor in how my current relationship moved forward. We were certainly not 'hasty' in our plans. JediSoth and I discussed how we felt about each other often and we also discussed our timeline toward marriage. Many who don't know us will conclude we moved way too fast, with engagement at 9 months and marriage at 12, but we were certain our timeline was the right one for us. And, that is what is important - that you both are in alignment with the timeline.

This woman's insecurities may stem from not wanting time to slip away and six months or a year or two from now for her to need to ask what are your intentions. A conversation about it may ease her mind and yours. Try discussing it with her. You might be surprised that it resolves the issue one way or the other.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #18  February 11,2012, 4:22am
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If my goal were to get married again I would give the guy exactly one year than move on. I would do this especially if I fell into the 50 year plus category. Why invest any more time if the person is not heading in that direction? Too often I have seen people waiting 4/5 years hoping that person will get there with you, only to have them meet someone else and get engaged within 6 months. I don't believe in pressuring anyone, but truly if that were my goal I would want to know at the one year mark. At that point I can make an informed decision whether to move along or not.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #19  February 11,2012, 6:35am
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Some of us don't care if we ever get married again, some of us never want to remarry. Maybe you would be better off with someone that was not as focused on marriage. I'd be worried that with a focus like that the act of marriage was more important than the person one was actually marrying. Perhaps she is not your Juliettte.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #20  February 11,2012, 7:16am
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Juliet died. So did Romeo. Just sayin'.

I agree with the others that if you knew from the start that marriage was a goal for her, at the one year mark it should be a serious conversation with intentions stated clearly. A year is long enough to know someone well enough to at least consider whether you are willing to commit to them for a lifetime. If you knew this was what she wanted and you entered the relationship thinking you'd move along at your pace without regard for her goals, that's deceptive. No, you shouldn't be pushed into anything - but you also shouldn't think that your timeline on common goals is the only one that matters.

But is this a common goal?

There are all too many people out there who prattle on about 'flow' and 'organic' blah blah blah when it comes to relationship intent who are more than willing to waste years just settling in. You're both either marriage-minded or you're not. If you're not matched on that, it should have ended the first time it became obvious there was a difference. If you are matched on that and the timing is the issue, then sitting down to talk seriously about timelines is the way to go.
 
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