so confused ... please help!


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screenname_something is offline screenname_something Post #1  February 8,2012, 11:30pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 months. We are both 25, but this is his first relationship (I've had one long-term relationship that lasted 5.5 years, and several shorter ones). When we first started dating, we went to see a counselor together, since he was very nervous about being intimate (both emotionally and physically) with someone, since he hadn't even kissed anyone before. As a result of starting out that way, we've always been extremely honest with each other. He says that he's told me all of his secrets, and I've told him virtually everything about myself.

He told me from the beginning that it's likely that he'll need to take things slowly, since everything is so new to him. I said I was fine with that. Things progressed physically (although we haven't slept together yet); however, I was frustrated by the fact that I felt he wasn't opening up emotionally (he kept saying he was scared of becoming too attached and getting hurt) and I actually ended up breaking up with him. It really hurt him, and I immediately regretted my rash decision, and we got back together after 4 days. This all happened at the beginning of January.

Since then, I think his feelings grew stronger, and he said he thought he was falling in love with me about 2.5 weeks ago. My feelings for him have become very strong (I think I'm falling in love with him, too).

However, about a week and a half ago, we had a big fight. It ended with him thinking that I had made up the fact that my apartment had been broken into in order to get him to come over to my place after we had squabbled about something stupid. I got really upset at that ridiculous accusation, and he said he had to take a few days to think about whether this relationship was right for him. After 5 days, he finally decided I wasn't making it up, apologized to me profusely, and said he was just a little turned off by the fact that I tend to be so over-analytical and oversensitive. I said I would work on that, and things were great.

Last week, he suggested going on vacation together, he's very excited about our Valentine's Day plans, he makes out with me at virtually every opportunity, etc. Tonight, he suggested we go salsa dancing together, but when we were there, he mentioned that since the big fight he's felt less close to me. I said I think it's natural to feel less close after a big fight, and he said he's not sure what to do. He said he wants things to work out, but he doesn't want to force something that isn't natural. I talked to him about putting work into a relationship, and after the conversation, he said he felt more close to me. We then danced a few more songs and he was VERY affectionate physically. When he walked me home, he said he enjoyed talking to me so much, and that he was so excited to give me my Valentine's Day present. He then made sure we were going to meet up tomorrow. However, before we parted ways, he said "In order for me to feel secure, I need you to be secure, too." I'm not even sure what that means.

I am so incredibly confused. I am falling for this guy (despite all of this drama, he's usually incredibly sweet, considerate, and romantic), but does he have too many issues with emotional intimacy for this to be worth it? Am I just going to get hurt?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  February 9,2012, 10:39am
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Sounds like you've taken on a fixer upper project. Starting out a relationship by going to therapy with someone you barely know? Seriously, say that one out loud. Also sounds like he has less emotional maturity than a five year old. Unfortunately nobody can really tell you what to do - you have to decide for yourself what you can and can't put up with.

My personal opinion is that in relationships like these, once the person you are fixing is fixed and doesn't need you anymore, they will drop you in order to spread their wings and experience new life and all they've missed out on. Your mileage may vary.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  February 9,2012, 11:07am
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To answer your question..you are already being hurt.

He is dressing up selfishness and being self-centered as if he is some delicate little kitten you have to handle with kid gloves.

Nothing says selfish and manipulative better than:

When you need him...you're lying... so he needs five days to "think about the relationship".

Then of course after you've dealt with the problem he reappears and forgives you for not lying... but of course..it was your fault anyway for being"oversensitive"?

Think about how convoluted this is......and see through his routine ...Good Luck..
screenname_something wrote :
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 months. We are both 25,

him thinking that I had made up the fact that my apartment had been broken into in order to get him to come over to my place after

I got really upset at that ridiculous accusation, and he said he had to take a few days to think about whether this relationship was right for him.

After 5 days, he finally decided I wasn't making it up,

he was just a little turned off by the fact that I tend to be so over-analytical and oversensitive. I said I would work on that, and things were great.

Am I just going to get hurt?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  February 9,2012, 11:13am
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I'll also add that this kind of drama and intense emotional ups and downs and constant engagement can be highly addictive and feel exhilarating, but please don't confuse that with love.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  February 9,2012, 11:24am
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Yes...and the challenge of "fixing" him.
DancingFool wrote :
I'll also add that this kind of drama and intense emotional ups and downs and constant engagement can be highly addictive and feel exhilarating, but please don't confuse that with love.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #6  February 9,2012, 11:28am
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Could not agree more with the above posts....

This man has some serious issues that go way beyond being a virgin....He needs counseling on his own to work out what has led him to this place both emotionally and physically....

This is going to be your life....up and down like a roller coaster...Seriously...this is less than 4 months and it's had all this ridiculous fights/break ups/blaming/accusing/apologizing.....

As mentioned...I would also look at why you think this is a healthy and good relationship? Why do you not want more for yourself?

What was discussed in counseling? It sure doesn't seem to be working as things are getting worse and not better...

You will always be on the defensive with this type of guy....everything has been about his issues....

We are telling you this is not healthy...you are falling in love with what you "want" this to be...not the real guy....Who loves someone who accuses them of lying...who is making you apologize for something he did...who makes you go to counseling for HIS issues....

Just because someone is nice "some" of the time...that is not good enough....you need to think long and hard about if this kind of drama is something you want for your future...
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #7  February 9,2012, 11:31am
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i AM SEPARATING OUT THE WHOLE COUNSELING THING. that you did from the strat. It was a different approach but I can understand the issues there.

As a relationship given this is his first...how does he know what love is.

Why havent you slept together yet? What has he said to you? It seems strange to have a getaway weekend together and not slept together yet.
 
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screenname_something is offline screenname_something Post #8  February 9,2012, 11:32am
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Sigh ... I think you all are right. The other problem is that my last relationship (which lasted 5.5 years) was with a guy who was extremely emotionally unavailable and distant the vast majority of the time. The thing is, when he's not being a drama queen, the guy I'm with now is very affectionate and romantic in a way my last boyfriend just wasn't. I guess all of that was very thrilling for me.

I'm just so confused because last night he urged me to let him suggest that we do things rather than always making suggestions myself. But that just doesn't comport with reality, since he's actually usually the one to suggest we do things. It was especially ironic that he said that last night because we were talking while out at an event HE suggested we go to! He also suggested lunch on Monday, getting together to study on Tuesday, hanging out after class on Wednesday (last night) and we're seeing each other today, at his suggestion. Last week, he even suggested that we go on vacation together over spring break. So for him to then say that I need to let him suggest things makes zero sense to me. I pointed that out to him, and he said "Oh well I suppose you're right."

I don't even think he knows what he wants, or how to interpret his feelings.
 
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screenname_something is offline screenname_something Post #9  February 9,2012, 11:36am
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ami1uwant wrote :
i AM SEPARATING OUT THE WHOLE COUNSELING THING. that you did from the strat. It was a different approach but I can understand the issues there.

As a relationship given this is his first...how does he know what love is.

Why havent you slept together yet? What has he said to you? It seems strange to have a getaway weekend together and not slept together yet.
We haven't slept together yet because he comes from a very conservative background and hasn't sorted out how he feels about pre-marital sex. Maybe I should be more worried about that part of it, but I'm actually not. I'm more worried about what seem to be his issues with emotional intimacy.

In counseling, we talked about why he's so nervous about being physically and emotionally intimate with someone. We only went a few times, and he said he's more comfortable now. I've let him initiate things physically, and he has.

I guess I'm mostly just extremely confused. I think he's pretty confused, too, about what he wants and what he can handle. I honestly have no idea what to do.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  February 9,2012, 11:52am
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It's only 3.5 months....start your exit strategy...at 25 his personality is formed.....He sounds immature, spoiled and sheltered.. expecting the world to wait and revolve around his "problems". ...It will only get more confusing, frustrating and conflicted....This would be way too much drama for most people.
screenname_something wrote :
I guess I'm mostly just extremely confused. I think he's pretty confused, too, about what he wants and what he can handle. I honestly have no idea what to do.
 
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