so confused ... please help!


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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #11  February 9,2012, 1:31pm
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screenname_something wrote :
Sigh ... I think you all are right. The other problem is that my last relationship (which lasted 5.5 years) was with a guy who was extremely emotionally unavailable and distant the vast majority of the time. The thing is, when he's not being a drama queen, the guy I'm with now is very affectionate and romantic in a way my last boyfriend just wasn't. I guess all of that was very thrilling for me.

I'm just so confused because last night he urged me to let him suggest that we do things rather than always making suggestions myself. But that just doesn't comport with reality, since he's actually usually the one to suggest we do things. It was especially ironic that he said that last night because we were talking while out at an event HE suggested we go to! He also suggested lunch on Monday, getting together to study on Tuesday, hanging out after class on Wednesday (last night) and we're seeing each other today, at his suggestion. Last week, he even suggested that we go on vacation together over spring break. So for him to then say that I need to let him suggest things makes zero sense to me. I pointed that out to him, and he said "Oh well I suppose you're right."

I don't even think he knows what he wants, or how to interpret his feelings.
Yikes....it sounds to me like not only do you pick some bad apples, but then stick with them for a long long time instead of walking away when you should. Think about that for a bit.

I'd suggest that you step away from dating for a little bit and get yourself sorted out so that you start recognizing bad apples faster and recognize when you should be running for the hills instead of sticking around.

This guy you are with now sounds like bad news and even worse than your ex. He is messing with your mind and eventually he will wear you down to the point where you can't tell black from white anymore. There are people who come into our lives and lift us up, this guy is the kind who will drag you down. In your shoes, I wouldn't just be walking, I'd be sprinting for the hills as fast as I possibly could.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #12  February 10,2012, 4:30am
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Ironically.... you answered your own question. He is a "drama queen" and that is confusing. He speaks in upside down nonsense and evades responsibility ...for anything..

Read up on gas-lighting and crazy making. Consciously or not these people are covert control freaks and the confusion, self-doubt and so forth you are experiencing is all part of that.

Read this sentence and memorize it:
A relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person.

Look around you..the problematic person almost invariably pulls the healthier one down...not the other way around

It is a myth that your great love, compassion, etc. will make him grow up, open up or stop twisting things into a pretzel that suits his distorted world.
Good Luck... .
screenname_something wrote :
when he's not being a drama queen....I'm just so confused
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #13  February 10,2012, 8:29pm
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I think you've highlighted the reason why I personally can't date someone who has roughly an equal amount of dating experience to me. While you may be highlighting a more extreme case, I've always found dating people who don't have a lot of experience to be tricky. It's hard when you aren't on the same page and while I know there are people who marry and spend a lifetime with their first love and are perfectly content I personally have felt like I have needed a few relationships to work the kinks out, to determine the differences between love and lust, and how to be comfortable with a certain level of intimacy. I don't know that I agree with all of the comments being made about your boyfriend but I do think you are on very, very different pages. And I think you have to ask yourself whether you're really happy with the level of physical and emotional intimacy in your relationship. I think, unfortunately, your gut instinct to end the relationship the first time was probably the right one.

For most relationships the period you are in right now is typically the honeymoon period. When I've had that much stress early on over a relationship it's never been a good sign.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #14  February 10,2012, 8:47pm
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Agreed :

Wiseman2 wrote :
It's only 3.5 months....start your exit strategy...at 25 his personality is formed.....He sounds immature, spoiled and sheltered.. expecting the world to wait and revolve around his "problems". ...It will only get more confusing, frustrating and conflicted....This would be way too much drama for most people.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #15  February 10,2012, 11:43pm
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OP,
This doesn't sound like a good situation at all. The drama he is creating does not foster a healthy relationship.

I agree with the input that he is controlling and selfish.

If this was your first serious relationship after the one of 5.5 years, it's quite possible your attraction to the romance and attention he gives you is actually a rebound in disguise (as often rebounding attracts us to someone who fills the gaps that existed in the previous relationship).

Please respect yourself more than you did in your last relationship and apparently more than you have the last 3.5 months and end this before you waste more time and effort. He is not going to magically change or heal or become enlightened that he is being a drama queen and selfish. Perhaps his role models handle their relationship this way. Do you know much about his parents and how they get along?

A good relationship is one in which your partner doesn't accuse you of lying about a break-in and push all of these buttons. I think you already know that. Were I in your shoes, I'd already have nexted him.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #16  February 11,2012, 6:17am
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You're still young. Now is the time to disengage in all the drama of emotionally unavailable men and go into some individual counseling to determine why you are attracted to them in the first place.

What this guy is doing is called gaslighting - reframing reality to put you on the defensive. It may or may not be intentional - but it doesn't matter. It's not healthy.

Really, post Wiseman's statement on your bathroom mirror where you have to read it every day. A relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person.

You are making some unhealthy choices - but you're choosing men who are even less healthy than you. That's got heartbreak written all over it.
 
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