Need advice on a weekend setback


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singledad001 is offline singledad001 Post #1  February 7,2012, 3:28pm
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Hello- I'm a 51yo male, and have been dating a 48yo I met on eH since around October. We are both pretty busy, so we went out around once/week the first couple of months, and it seems like we really clicked. Anyway, we slept together Christmas night, and a couple of times since then... once again it's kind of difficult because we both have teenagers that live with us. So, it seems like things are going great- we have a great time together, we have mutual interests, live near each other, etc.

Anyway, I started to tell her all of this Saturday, and was telling her how much I am really starting to fall for her, and she cut me off and said "let's not go there"... She said she is scared and nervous, and finds it hard to tell someone how she feels them because she is scared of getting hurt, or hurting someone else. She really just doesn't communicate emotion well... I'm kind of an open book on it, and like to say how I feel, and I like to at least get some kind of verbal once in awhile. That is the first time I had really tried to vocalize how I'm starting to feel, but I think after a few months, and now into a sexual relationship I should at least be able to get something back..

So, anyway, now my confidence is really shaken in what I thought was starting to be a good relationship. I'm wondering if I'm overreacting, or should cut my losses and move on. I really have fallen for her, and don't want to cut and run too soon, but I also don't want to get crushed later on if she decides she really doesn't want a relationship. I feel far more invested than her...

Any advice??? Thanks in advance!
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #2  February 7,2012, 3:43pm
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I don't think this is your typical 4 month relationship as you all don't see each other very much and have only had sex a handful of times in those 4 months...

So, I'd have to say that if a man started talking about serious feelings towards me...it may take me back a bit as we are still in the getting to know you phase...

It would be different if you all were spending 3-5 times a week....being intimate at least that much...then it may be more appropriate...

Everyone is going to have a different take on this....I am just one that is very slow to fall in love...It's usually about 6 months for me...and at the rate of which I above mentioned. It takes a long time to sort out the "lust" factor and seeing us in all situations and after first disagreements, etc.

I realize it's much harder with the teenagers....are you both the full time parents and your ex's have only rare visitation?

Also, in what other ways has she not communicated her feelings towards you....Has she never said that she enjoys being with you...has a fun time...or compliment you on anything?

This would be a situation that if you are enjoying yourself and see possibilities with this woman...than letting things develop a bit more to see where she is would be good...

If you are demanding that she be exactly where you are and falling in love, then it's certainly your choice to walk away....but that seems pretty drastic...

Again..if it's only been a few times with sex...and seeing each other only once or twice a week...that is a slower pace that will take time for feelings to develop...

Especially if this is the first relationship after you all have been divorced...wanting to be careful about falling in love and trying to blend a "new family" is a smart thing...
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #3  February 7,2012, 4:07pm
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Personally I'd move on as she doesn't sound emotionally ready for a relationship. I would'nt want the hassle of someone who responded like that and I'd find it too annoying/tedious to have someone communicate with me in such a way.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #4  February 7,2012, 4:28pm
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
Personally I'd move on as she doesn't sound emotionally ready for a relationship. I would'nt want the hassle of someone who responded like that and I'd find it too annoying/tedious to have someone communicate with me in such a way.
I agree with Steve, personally.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  February 7,2012, 4:50pm
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I can respect the reasoning of the guys so far, but if she is treating you in an agreeable manner, I think you should give her more time.

As long as a partner is exclusive, giving me the right amount and priority of time, and presents no deal-breakers, then I'd rather give us enough time for a genuine attachment.

Also, given the problem as expressed, I think that turning her away now is not compassionate. She has divulged her difficulty ("She said she is scared and nervous, and finds it hard to tell someone how she feels them because she is scared of getting hurt, or hurting someone else.")

All these problems are likely to correct themselves in time.
 
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singledad001 is offline singledad001 Post #6  February 7,2012, 5:44pm
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Thanks for this advice and quick replies! To answer a few comments- we are exclusive, and I don't really have a reason to believe that she is looking elsewhere, and I'm not either. We do have difficulties with our kids and getting good alone time together at a house. We are both the custodial parents- mine are always here, hers are with her most of the time, so to get some time alone in a house is pretty scarce... we need to get creative there. She has shown her feelings in other ways- making dinner, making me a real cool gift when I started grad school, etc. And she is physically affectionate, just not with the words.

I think her saying don't go there just kind of freaked me out and made me insecure- given my feelings toward her, I think I will keep this going, and try to scale back slightly with what I say so I don't put pressure, and just see where it goes. Hopefully it will work out...
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #7  February 7,2012, 6:57pm
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I am her same age and my current relationship started out much the same as you are describing. Rather than focusing on the 4 months, think about the actual number of dates and consider that your revelation maybe blindsided her a bit. It is commendable that you stepped up to reassure her of your good intentions, however, it seems from the way you relayed the conversation that she perceived you were expecting something commital from her in return. She simply is not ready to convey that level of intensity. This might be because she is not feeling it, or she may feel it but is to uncomfortable to verbalize it.

There are many posts on here, an old one recently revived, about when it is the right time to say or to hear "I love you", you might benefit from the input from those threads. Each of us communicate feelings differently and on different schedules. You could refer to the Five Languages of Love for more on that. What matters to you, is whether or not you want to go into a relationship with a person who is not as open as yourself and who has a different love language than you do. Her comfort level may not change. Generally, the adice is to let each person operate with their own comfort level and if there is a huge difference in styles, seek a reasonable compromise. But in your situation, I think it is too soon to ask for this.

My advice, if you think you can form a relationship without the comfort of the verbal conveying of her feelings, is to give it more time and then discuss what her thoughts are about the future of the relationship. Meanwhile, there are other signs you can look for to gauge her intentions, does she introduce you to her inner circle, does she make plans or references to future events with you, does she communicate major life decisions with you and get your input before making them.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  February 7,2012, 10:04pm
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if this relationship is working out for you- meeting your needs and hers, why kill it? it appears as if she is content. if you are as well then enjoy where you've found yourself.

but if this is not working for you- i'd advise that you cut your losses sooner rather than later.
 
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TryingHardToNotTrySoHard is offline TryingHardToNotTrySoHard Post #9  February 7,2012, 10:11pm
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I agree with LDJ. From what little we know, it sounds like your top love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch while hers seems to be acts of service and possibly physical touch. She's saying she loves you in the ways she's comfortable expressing them and you're doing the same; it's just that you two aren't clicking on both of them. If you don't do this already, I'd suggest doing things for her from time to time. If I guess her top love language correctly, she'll light up. With patience, you'll hopefully get the verbal affirmation you're looking for, but it seems like all the signs of love are there or developing on her end, so don't give up!
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  February 8,2012, 2:45am
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singledad001 wrote :
....Anyway, I started to tell her all of this Saturday, and was telling her how much I am really starting to fall for her, and she cut me off and said "let's not go there"...
The key issue for me is her words "let's not go there" - for me that would tell me enough and if I said that to a woman ie. roles reversed, I'd expect she'd think I'm far too self centred.
 
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