Need advice on a weekend setback


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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #11  February 8,2012, 3:41am
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Agree:
D_Lion wrote :
As long as a partner is exclusive, giving me the right amount and priority of time, and presents no deal-breakers, then I'd rather give us enough time for a genuine attachment.
Also, given the problem as expressed, I think that turning her away now is not compassionate.
Exactly...if it's not broke ..don't fix it... People dread the ominous "relationship talks"
notyet wrote :
if this relationship is working out for you- meeting your needs and hers, why kill it? it appears as if she is content. if you are as well then enjoy where you've found yourself.
No reason for your "confidence to drop"...just consider it very poor timing to bring up deep talks when perhaps ...in her mind ...everything is fine...she's happy and it's all moving along well....

Some people just find it creepy to start droning on about "where are we at","do you love me" ..."I need more" etc., ....when they are already doing all they can and showing you in every way they can....Good Luck...
singledad001 wrote :
telling her how much I am really starting to fall for her, and she cut me off and said "let's not go there"...
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #12  February 8,2012, 7:32am
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If you find that her behavior toward her otherwise suggests that she cares about you I would personally give it time and see where it goes. Based on the information you've given us it's not entirely clear what is going through her mind. It sounds like you two have not spent much quality time together so it may be that she is just not as far along as you are, or it may be that overall she struggles to open up. My experience is that finding good people who you care about, who care about you back and who you are compatible with don't come along everyday. I think because of that unless it is crystal clear that something isn't going to work out, I personally like to try.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #13  February 8,2012, 1:50pm
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I'm about your age with an EH guy who has kids too. He was clearly ready to "say it" much much before I was. We both got there eventually...me at around 6 months... if it's otherwise good give her a bit of time. I would encourage you to do lunch dates on work days...and HECK teenagers! they don't want you around anyway....try it with elementary school kids! Child protective service really objects when you leave THEM alone for dates.
 
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MileHighArtist is offline MileHighArtist Post #14  February 8,2012, 2:49pm
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Well, I do not think you've over reacted at all, and should be getting some emotional feedback from her at this point. As far as ditching her, that would depend on whether or not she's willing to work at it or does she simply shut down and refuse to acknowledge your feelings and her own? If she refuses to do so then I'd move on. If she's open to working on it gradually on her own pace then that's fine. Maybe she feels over whelmed when you opened up to her. But she's got her proverbial head buried in the sand about being emotionally available then move on.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #15  February 8,2012, 2:57pm
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singledad001 wrote :
Thanks for this advice and quick replies! To answer a few comments- we are exclusive, and I don't really have a reason to believe that she is looking elsewhere, and I'm not either. We do have difficulties with our kids and getting good alone time together at a house. We are both the custodial parents- mine are always here, hers are with her most of the time, so to get some time alone in a house is pretty scarce... we need to get creative there. She has shown her feelings in other ways- making dinner, making me a real cool gift when I started grad school, etc. And she is physically affectionate, just not with the words.

I think her saying don't go there just kind of freaked me out and made me insecure- given my feelings toward her, I think I will keep this going, and try to scale back slightly with what I say so I don't put pressure, and just see where it goes. Hopefully it will work out...
It sounds like things are going pretty darn well for two extremely busy people with teenagers, jobs, and a life! LOL..

I really think at this point as I mentioned, that 4 months isn't your typical 4 months like others as you all have rarely had sex and see each other once or twice a week.

I agree that having a "relationship" talk right now is not good timing...You are both exclusive...enjoying each other's company....there is no need to have some big "relationship" talk right now...let things progress naturally...and yes...don't pressure her...That won't solve anything. I certainly wouldn't be in love at this stage of so little intimacy...and since you all aren't talking marriage or moving in...there really isn't anything to be accomplished by saying, "Where are we...do you like me..." stuff..

Just look at how things keep going...either you all are moving towards each other and getting closer....or away...

Also, try to enjoy yourself...dating should be fun!!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #16  February 9,2012, 2:31am
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This is fantastic for most men...why are you picking at the one thing (emotional talks) that you think should be happening?
singledad001 wrote :
we are exclusive

She has shown her feelings

making dinner,

making me a real cool gift when I started grad school, etc.

she is physically affectionate
. She's right.....don't pressure..with kids, work, making dinner, making thoughtful gifts, making time for you, etc...and you're being oblivious to her efforts? Stop asking for more than anyone can give.
singledad001 wrote :
I think her saying don't go there I think I will keep this going, and try to scale back slightly with what I say so I don't put pressure
Agree...and perhaps step up and do more for her ...such as create more romantic alone time....rather than keep talking about / asking for more from her......Good Luck...
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #17  February 9,2012, 1:50pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Agree...and perhaps step up and do more for her ...such as create more romantic alone time....rather than keep talking about / asking for more from her......Good Luck...
IF I weren't already in love, I might be in love!!!
 
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singledad001 is offline singledad001 Post #18  February 14,2012, 6:32pm
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So, this is taking a turn. We went out this last weekend, and I thought things went great- we went out with some friends of mine to hear a band. Group thing, everyone had a great time- I was very casual, but did mention Valentine's Day, and would she like to go out? A perfectly reasonable thing in my opinion... her response was let's go out tomorrow, but not for Valentines, just a date. She thinks things are going too fast, and wants to slow things down some. I said I am cool with that, but need to know how, and what we can do to accomplish that, because I don't really see us moving that fast to begin with, other than my boneheaded timing

So, anyway, we are going out tomorrow to talk about this, and I'm kind of at a loss as to what to say. I think I will just hear her thoughts, and try to reassure her that I'm not trying to put pressure. Frankly, I was in a relationship last year where I was pushed hard, and it sucked. I don't want to be that kind of person, and I hate that I may have come across that way with her.

Anyway, any advice before this big date/talk? I'm also not sure I want to always walk on eggshells and not be able to voice any pleasure in a relationship without putting her on the defense... ugh.

Thanks for any help here!!!
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #19  February 14,2012, 6:50pm
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If she is now saying things are going too fast....and you all are barely having sex with dating 4 months....Yes...I realize it's more difficult with both having children....but many people can find the time when they want to

This is not sounding very good unfortunately...So since she is wanting to talk....than it seems it will be a good time to lay it on the line and ask what she is looking for...and what does being in a relationship look like to her...

If she is wanting all the companionship but without the physical part....this certainly would not work for most people......

Sorry....but when someone wants to slow down...when it's already going slow...this may not bode well for you all.

Keep us posted...
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #20  February 15,2012, 3:13am
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Actually, you are voicing displeasure ..at the pace....and it sounds like a stand off...You think it's not "moving too fast" she thinks it is.
Good idea to just listen and see what the definition of "moving too fast" is from her end.....and if that's the right thing for you....Good Luck...
singledad001 wrote :
I was very casual

I don't really see us moving that fast to begin with

try to reassure her that I'm not trying to put pressure. not be able to voice any ?pleasure? in a relationship
 
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