Bella_Luna is offline Bella_Luna Post #1  February 7,2012, 12:00pm
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just an excuse?

I have been seeing someone on and off for a while (long stretch apart in between). When we are together (95% of the time) things are great. Sometimes, not great, but not bad either. He's just kinda moody and his job stresses him out. He can be super-attentive and affectionate, then suddenly cool off with no warning and I won't hear from him for days. He says he has a problem with committing because of his job, in which he can be transferred at any time. He closes himself off from me when things get too intense. I know from a family member of his that when things overwhelm him, he shuts down.

I get varying suggestions about his behavior. Some say he has feelings and is scared to get close - which is why he backs away, others say he is just playing me and is probably seeing other women which is why he cools off and I don't hear from him. I've given him ample opportunity (totally easy out) to break things off permanently, but he doesn't.

And yes, I was dumb and fell in love with him. I feel like something is missing when he's not "there" as in - physically, or in lack of communication.

I don't know what to think, or even do anymore...
 
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TryingHardToNotTrySoHard is offline TryingHardToNotTrySoHard Post #2  February 7,2012, 10:02pm
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I think whether he's playing you or just is stressed out by his job and shuts down, it shows that he's scared of being open and honest with you, much less committing to you. If you haven't already, I'd suggest being open and honest not just with your concerns about his erratic behavior, but about what you need out of this relationship. If he can't or won't change, find someone who will commit to you and who is willing to share their life with you.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #3  February 7,2012, 10:45pm
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Bella_Luna wrote :
just an excuse?

I have been seeing someone on and off for a while (long stretch apart in between). When we are together (95% of the time) things are great. Sometimes, not great, but not bad either. He's just kinda moody and his job stresses him out. He can be super-attentive and affectionate, then suddenly cool off with no warning and I won't hear from him for days. He says he has a problem with committing because of his job, in which he can be transferred at any time. He closes himself off from me when things get too intense. I know from a family member of his that when things overwhelm him, he shuts down.

I get varying suggestions about his behavior. Some say he has feelings and is scared to get close - which is why he backs away, others say he is just playing me and is probably seeing other women which is why he cools off and I don't hear from him. I've given him ample opportunity (totally easy out) to break things off permanently, but he doesn't.

And yes, I was dumb and fell in love with him. I feel like something is missing when he's not "there" as in - physically, or in lack of communication.

I don't know what to think, or even do anymore...
i would not tolerate a relationship such as you describe.

Bella_Luna wrote :
And yes, I was dumb and fell in love with him...
and i would not have done this at all. i do not believe in "falling" in love. choosing- yes. falling- no. guard your heart.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  February 8,2012, 2:49am
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This is way too much work and drama....moody-broody...unavailable...on /off....hot /cold.

Regardless of what he or his friends / family tell you....and whether he has poor emotional control or others are in the picture......he thinks of you as a convenient back-up plan who sits and waits around for him.


A lot of what he is saying about "commitment fears" is BS......
This "relationship" is pointless if it is doing more harm than good.....Good Luck...
Bella_Luna wrote :
I have been seeing someone on and off for a while (long stretch apart in between).

then suddenly cool off with no warning and I won't hear from him for days. He says he has a problem with committing because of his job
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #5  February 8,2012, 5:40am
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when you say you "dont hear from him for days" - do you try to contact him? does he ignore texts/phone calls? or are you sat there waiting for him to call?
 
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softwarmbreeze is offline softwarmbreeze Post #6  February 8,2012, 6:25am
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Okay, I know I will probably get blasted here (so what else is new?) But I sometimes HAD the same feelings you do..But then I realized that his job is that of a political nature...Very demanding..Is your guy on Medication? (this could cause the hot and cold) And like SIM asks do YOU contact him? My guy and I had a talk about this and I simply told him we had to get better at communication...And I learned from people here on the boards that if I want to know something it is up to me to ask..Not always easy but the nevertheless it does work. I have also found that I feel a lot better knowing that it is the work that is taking up his time..He sends me copies of all of his newsletters and other things..So I know how much work he is putting into all of his work for State Government. For me it is part of the package and I am busy enough myself so I am okay with it...It's all he can do to make time for me and he has told me so...So when we do get together.2-3 times mostly on weekends it's just nice...And I have come to the conclusion as long as he is not cheating or lying to me I am fine.which is not an issue for me.

Talk to him and find out....I do agree that I would not like the shutting down part...That would probably be the end of it for me..Even though I do love him I wouldn't tolerate that...Good Luck!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  February 8,2012, 6:26am
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It doesn't matter one bit why he does what he does. The point is that this is who he is, this is the way he acts toward you, this is the way he treats you. Is this something that makes you happy? Is this something you are willing to put up with and live with? Can you accept this as is because you are not going to fix him or change him.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #8  February 8,2012, 6:37am
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You don't have to let him have all the control in the relationship. A good relationship happens when two people want it to and are willing to actively compromise their own comfort level to meet the reasonable need of the other.

You are not enjoying the "cooling" times, think about ways, small ways in which he act to make you happier when he has the need to shut down, ie: communicate via email or text or short phone calls, or short dates such as just a lunch. If he is not willing to hear you, to consider your needs, then this is not a relationship and there is no consideration or conflict resolution going on. So, ask yourself are you happy with a relationship like that, its a simple yes no answer. Justifications or explainations about why he behaves as he does are not what is key, what matters is whether or not you are taking responsbility for your needs being met.

Steve makes a good point....do you try to connect with him when he shuts down? There is a difference between shutting down and ignoring you.
 
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TryingHardToNotTrySoHard is offline TryingHardToNotTrySoHard Post #9  February 8,2012, 6:38am
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DancingFool wrote :
Can you accept this as is because you are not going to fix him or change him.
This is a great question. You may be fine now, but if this continues for 2 years, 5 years, 15 years, are you still going to be ok with it? Is this the kind of relationship you're really looking for? I know everyone has flaws, but you need to decide whether this flaw will eventually be a deal-breaker. For me, if a woman was on/off like this, it would end it, but this is a decision you have to make for yourself because you're the one who has to live with it.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 8,2012, 7:23am
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I dated someone similar and what I realized is why he was acting that way didn't matter. The net/net was that it seemed unlikely to change and it was behavior that, for me, didn't make for a satisfying relationship. I realized that one of the things I value in the relationship is a certain level of consistency. That doesn't mean that every day needs to be identical to the one before (and in fact, this gets quite boring) but it does mean that the hot/cold thing doesn't work for me personally. It sounds like it doesn't work for you either so I would acknowledge this with yourself and move on.
 
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