SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #31  February 9,2012, 12:19pm
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Perhaps it's not that he's commitment phobic but more like commitment avoiding and for a reason, he knows this wont be a long term involvement.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #32  February 9,2012, 1:37pm
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I dated a very busy 42 yo lawyer who acted like this.

It was a pattern with all the women he saw. Never married. Only one "live in" for 6 weeks....then he bailed on the house and relationship.

As many mentioned above, it doesn't matter WHY he acts that way (scared or not) because that is not going to change.

Are you happy AS IS? If you NEVER get fully "in" his life?
 
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ClaireH is offline ClaireH Post #33  February 9,2012, 7:33pm
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Bella_Luna wrote :
just an excuse?

I have been seeing someone on and off for a while (long stretch apart in between). When we are together (95% of the time) things are great. Sometimes, not great, but not bad either. He's just kinda moody and his job stresses him out. He can be super-attentive and affectionate, then suddenly cool off with no warning and I won't hear from him for days. He says he has a problem with committing because of his job, in which he can be transferred at any time. He closes himself off from me when things get too intense. I know from a family member of his that when things overwhelm him, he shuts down.

I get varying suggestions about his behavior. Some say he has feelings and is scared to get close - which is why he backs away, others say he is just playing me and is probably seeing other women which is why he cools off and I don't hear from him. I've given him ample opportunity (totally easy out) to break things off permanently, but he doesn't.

And yes, I was dumb and fell in love with him. I feel like something is missing when he's not "there" as in - physically, or in lack of communication.

I don't know what to think, or even do anymore...
For most men, and women these days including myself, their career can mean self worth, identity, base ground, etc, I think.

When that is on the shaky ground, it is hard to focus on a relationship. It would be truly ideal if I have a partner who can understand without any judgement and stand by me - but if a relationship is not fully established and I don't if know my partner can/want to share my concerns - I will not openly communicate my thoughts and I tend to withdraw from a relationship - to reflect and resolve any issues or anxiety on my own. Even worse, if my partner, prematurely assumed that my lack of communication at an early stage of the relationship, due to my interest to explore other relationship - that will be a huge turn off.

I think you know where you really stand - definitely more than we here know - if you can objectively view that he is truly stressed out with work and struggling - you can decide either step up and support him or cut him off as he is not fulfilling what you deserve in a relationship.

And if you intuitively know that he is using his job as an excuse - you know precisely what needs to be done.

Good luck!
 
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