I just Gotta Know...Now!!!!!


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softwarmbreeze is offline softwarmbreeze Post #1  February 7,2012, 3:51am
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Been seeing the same guy for a long while now....Since August 2011. We have weathered many storms as many of you know.It has been a roller coaster but we are still together. I love him very much and want to tell him, I am sure he knows this but I need to really verbalize it. We did have a convo once recently about the love thing. I sarcastically said that I knew he did love me and his response was, "I probably do". Because of so many things going on in my life I need to know I have something solid in it. I have recently lost my job...Just moved..Looking for new employment..He is good..He keeps in touch with me daily through emails. We get together every weekend only due to distance and his job.But I am getting to the point where I need to know exactly where I stand here. Any thoughts?
 
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annika-lee is offline annika-lee Post #2  February 7,2012, 4:33am
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It's only been six months. I am a bit slow when it comes to declaring love for someone but for me it takes a lot longer to feel that I honestly, truly love someone. I fall in lust easily, love very slowly. From your post, it seems to me that you have a lot of changes happening at once- lost job, just moved, etc... Perhaps you are seeking security (something solid, as you say), in any way shape of form. Your boyfriend's response seems not so enthusuastic. I would give this time to develop and progress naturally. Don't rush it just because YOU are seeking something to hold on to.
 
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JoesComments is offline JoesComments Post #3  February 7,2012, 6:00am
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Something to consider: you might want to wait until you are back on your feet with a new job before you make a big issue about ILY. An out of work gf (or bf) who starts pushing for big steps forward in the relationship is a red flag and is not very attractive.

The next step is, 'if he really loved you, he would..." move in together, support you, etc.

I would spend your energy on the job search. Once you are back on firm ground, you can get more demanding about getting him to say the words you want to hear.

ETA: I forgot that you were 'bombshell girl'. That adds a unique dynamic where he owes you bigtime. However, since you still really want to keep the guy, I'm not sure that pushing hard for an ILY is the right play.

By the way, do you think the bombshell had anything to do with you losing your job? The timing seems suspicious and I seem to recall you disclosed it at your previous job just before you were laid off.
Last edited by JoesComments; February 7,2012 at 6:16am.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  February 7,2012, 6:41am
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This is the guy who told you he had the herpes outbreak......
softwarmbreeze wrote :
I am 55 years old...and I feel I will be alone the rest of my life. I feel more for him than he does me. I have gotten a lot of support from him...
You claim he is good, supportive,etc. So what is it you "need to know"?
softwarmbreeze wrote :
Since August 2011.
Just moved..
Looking for new employment..
He is good..He keeps in touch with me daily through emails.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  February 7,2012, 6:45am
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softwarmbreeze wrote :
I love him very much and want to tell him, I am sure he knows this but I need to really verbalize it.
Then tell him! At six months in, it's not a turn-off to have a girlfriend who loves you.

wrote :
Because of so many things going on in my life I need to know I have something solid in it.
You offer less as a partner now than you did a month ago, and neediness is not particularly attractive. Do you have friends and family? Those are "solid".

wrote :
But I am getting to the point where I need to know exactly where I stand here. Any thoughts?
When you tell him you love him, something you already wish to do, see what he says in reply. Of course, if you plan to dump him if he doesn't say "I love you" back (which obligates supporting you), you don't love him. You're just feeling particularly needy and vulnerable just now.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; February 7,2012 at 6:49am.
 
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softwarmbreeze is offline softwarmbreeze Post #6  February 7,2012, 9:39am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Then tell him! At six months in, it's not a turn-off to have a girlfriend who loves you.


You offer less as a partner now than you did a month ago, and neediness is not particularly attractive. Do you have friends and family? Those are "solid".


When you tell him you love him, something you already wish to do, see what he says in reply. Of course, if you plan to dump him if he doesn't say "I love you" back (which obligates supporting you), you don't love him. You're just feeling particularly needy and vulnerable just now.
You know..You may be right..The timing certainly would probably play a part in this (in his mind) . And I do have family that is a great support base for me..I think part of all this has to do with the vulnerability I am feeling now. Losing a job, getting a disease..Not sure I could stand losing the boyfriend at this point. However, like I said, I do have a great network of support friends and family. Stuff to ponder
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #7  February 7,2012, 12:39pm
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softwarmbreeze wrote :
You know..You may be right..The timing certainly would probably play a part in this (in his mind) . And I do have family that is a great support base for me..I think part of all this has to do with the vulnerability I am feeling now. Losing a job, getting a disease..Not sure I could stand losing the boyfriend at this point. However, like I said, I do have a great network of support friends and family. Stuff to ponder
You two have been through a lot. I think that saying you love him would be heard as saying you forgive him. Don't say it until you are certain that you don't feel any residual resentment, and that his response won't generate more.
 
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paintandbooks is offline paintandbooks Post #8  February 7,2012, 1:54pm
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I think it's really bad timing.

It might be better to put your mind and energy into finding employment and getting settled for the time being. Why not relax about what else you want from him for now - and keep your thoughts on his good points until you are back on your feet?
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #9  February 7,2012, 7:06pm
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I'm wondering, in light of what has happened with the change in your health situation, if you are feeling owed or that he is obligated to commit to you seeing as you have forgiven him for the bombshell incident.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 7,2012, 8:09pm
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harnomygirl wrote :
You two have been through a lot. I think that saying you love him would be heard as saying you forgive him. Don't say it until you are certain that you don't feel any residual resentment, and that his response won't generate more.
The bolded part.

I agree with others that this is also rotten timing for you to bring this up. It doesn't put you in a good light and casts you as needy and clingy. I am sure that is not how you want to project yourself and agree that perhaps your time is better spent job hunting and spending time with supportive family and friends.
 
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